Tell me what you guys think about this

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tell me what you guys think about this
14
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 11:23am
Hi! I've been on an on/off relationship with the same guy for 2 yrs now. I called it on/off coz we see each other probably once a month but talked on the phone every week, the reason was him being so busy w/ study, work and 2 kids. We've been through a lot of rough times, in the beginning of us being together - there was a girl trying to break us up, in the middle - the mother of his kids wants him back and she tried to break us up. After the incident with the mother of his kids, I felt like we were stronger, he talked to me a lot about marriage and having kids, i've always told him that i'm not ready for that coz I wanna be successful in my career then settle down when i'm established. Then everything was never mentioned again, the calls got lesser, seeing each other also became lesser, we even resorted to emailing each other. I emailed him about my feelings, that he doesn't have time for me anymore, he emailed back that he was really busy and it all came to a huge petty argument, I said if you don't want to see me then don't and his last reply was if that's the way you want things to be then that's the way they're gonna be. I haven't heard from him since then, I was trying to contact him to clear things up and maybe to find out where we are in this relationship. No answer at all, phone calls, emails. Then the other night a girl returned my call and she was very mean, she told me things like he's over you so get over it then I heard a guy laughing in the background and they even tried to kiss while I was listening on the other end. I was stunned, hurt, disrespected but I wouldn't stoop down to their level and say something stupid. In short, I was devastated, I couldn't sleep at all and all I could think about is why can't he be a man to tell me that its really over, there's already a girl and hurt me just like that. All i'm asking for is to let me know what's going on and if he doesn't want to be with me then i'll move on but he never said anything and now this. Are there guys who's really doesn't care about our emotions, leave you hanging and just figure it all by yourself. I just want to get this out of my chest.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 1:10pm

Welcome pattine,


Wow ... it sounds like this has been an emotion roller-coaster of a relationship. Be proud of yourself for ending a relationship that was not fulfilling to you. It takes a strong person to realize that something is not working and as difficult as it is to be alone, it's much better than staying in a relationship that is causing more pain than joy. From what you've written, it doesn't sound like this man has much respect for you and you are most definitely better off by yourself when a great man *does* come along.


I wouldn't contact him anymore, even to find out the details. Just let it go ... and try your hardest to put it in the past and move forward.


Venting and getting things off of your chest is what this board is all about, so don't be a stranger! Please take care and let me know how you're doing!


{{{HUG}}}

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"You get what you settle for"...

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"You get what you settle for"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 12-04-2005 - 7:59pm

Sounds like 1) he was waiting for you to break it off, 2) he's a player, likes 3 women wanting his attention and 3) that he did you a huge favor.

I know you hurt. Sorry you have to go through this. You will heal. Take time to grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:11pm
Hi everyone! Thanks for all your advices. I actually messed up today and called my ex, he said hello and I said hey, then he probably realized that it was me so, he hung up the phone. Of course, I was a little bit upset at first but after awhile I was thinking, I don't know if what I did was right but it sort of opened my eyes into reality that he really doesn't want me and somehow made me move on a little bit. I told myself if he doesn't wanna talk to me then I don't want to talk to him either and I don't care if he ever answer my emails. I'm feeling good right now, more of like at peace and less stressed out. Before, I was always crying myself to sleep, waking up & going to bed thinking about him, about what we had and thinking that I was losing something good and the way he acted today made me realize that i'm doing myself a huge favor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 10:20pm
I hope those great feelings continue for you. I think many of us mourn for who we thought these men were rather than who they really are. Do not forget what he has done and how he treated you. You can forgive one day, but the not forgetting will remind you to STAY AWAY. He is toxic. Best of luck to you. Positive thoughts and prayers coming your way...:) Donna
Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 8:42am
So far i've been doing good, the day after the girl called me, i've been making myself feel good about myself, exercising in the elliptical for 1hr, eating right, making myself busy, reading everything in this forums. It helped a lot, it makes my mind off things and when I think about him, I always think about how messed up he is and why he's not worth any of my attention plus all the things he did to me which was so rude. I try to stay away from any phones and if I feel like writing him an email, I do but I don't send it, I just put it on draft. Little things that hopefully will make me feel a lot better from where I am right now. You're right there are ups and downs but I always makes sure that i'm strong enough not to give in to any temptation. When i'm down and feel like crying, i'll cry just to let it out and afterwards, I feel better and even wonder why i'm crying for him. This forum helps me a lot to deal with it and i'm just so happy that there's something like this. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 9:34am
Hi,
Glad you're feeling like you're getting on with things a bit now. I'm sure that there will still be hard times, but you've realized that you're grieving for what you wanted to have been and not for what actually was reality (doesn't make it any easier, but at least we can realize that). Exercising is a great way to release a little stress and it's good for you too! (I'm still on the great "depression" diet, I think--don't feel like eating anything at all, but that's great because I need to lose a few!). Keep heading in the right direction and eventually the pain will lessen.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 12:38pm
Hi Laura! Hope you're doing good. Don't be hard on yourself, try to eat something healthy or you might get sick and that will only satisfy his ego knowing that you're very much affected by what he did. I know its hard but we still have to put a strong face on eventhough we're grieving inside. I was thinking that the pain we're feeling right now is not from losing him, its from losing the things we liked about them, good things he did that we will never see again, good memories. I'm always saying I don't want to be with him anymore but at the same time i'm thinking that no one's gonna check on me to ask how my day was, no one gonna make me feel special like he did and that made me feel really sad and empty. We're so used to our routine in the past and losing it makes it really painful to bear. I read in a column somewhere and it says: "my heart's been broken before, it's not pain i'm feeling, it's nostalgia" and when you think about it, its true. Best of luck to us and hopefully soon, we'll feel better and normal again. You can always count on me if you needed some advice or someone to talk to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 4:54pm

Wow, you hit it exactly! I miss the good things about him, the times that we had together that I can no longer think about without pain, having someone to share things with. My parents are going through something really hard right now and I don't have X to talk to about it. Those are big things to miss, certainly, but there were things that I don't miss as well, like wondering if he was being truthful, wondering if he really loved me, wondering if he had another woman. And of course, I miss the routine. It's very hard to change the way we do things. I'm used to spending at least 4 nights a week at his place, almost always Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and so now I feel at loose ends. But I know that I'll develop new routines eventually. And so will you!

Keep thinking positive thoughts!

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:36am
Hey Laura, just checking to see how you doing? For me, so far so good, I miss him sometimes but when I do I try to think of the good memories first then later tell myself all the bad things he did to me and so far its working just fine. I try not to call him and when I really can't do anything about my urges, I try to call everybody on my phonebook until somebody answers. I also found a great guy over the internet, who gives me good advices and somehow makes me feel good about myself, sort of bringing my confidence back. It really helps and now its been a week since the girl called me and all I can say is I feel a lot better than before and i'm totally moving on. I can totally say that I don't care if he's making his life more messed up than before, its his not mine and I will go make my life perfect. Hopefully, you're gonna be in the same path soon. **hugs** take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sat, 12-10-2005 - 11:50am

Hi pattine,
It sounds like you're doing pretty well today and that you're really on the way to moving on. I don't mean to say that you're not hurting anymore, of course, but you're doing all the right things to help yourself.

One thing that I'm a little worried about--you said that you found a guy on the internet who's giving you advice. I don't know if you mean someone you just met or someone you've known a while or what, but just be careful! I think it would be so easy to have a rebound relationship when you're just wanting to feel good about yourself. I don't mean to give you unsolicited advice and maybe it's not even warranted, but I just want you to take good care of yourself.

Keep positive and check in again to let us know how you're doing!

Love, Laura

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