Disappeared without a trace

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Disappeared without a trace
124
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm

Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.

He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.

I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.

How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.

Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:25pm
Wow, what a story. He is not who you thought he was. Try to focus on that rather than mourning for what was (or what you thought was). You are going to have to dig your heels in and pray a lot. I am sorry for your hurt and pain. I empathize with you. I am in a really sad breakup right now, very fresh and very wounded. You are not alone. Love and prayers...Donna
Faith
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:29pm

Wow, that is terrible. I don't understand how people can do this AT ALL. It's just so cruel. I'm dealing with a disappearance after 1.5 years of an on again, off again, long-distance relationship, but this is much, much worse. I'm so sorry.

I was talking to my dental hygienist about my guy who disappeared and she had a story that trumped even yours...her husband of 12 years just walked out one day without a word, and they had a child together. He didn't talk to her for over *two years*...and never did give her any explanation. It just boggles the mind what people are capable of.

Please, feel free to vent anytime. You might also want to find a good counselor so you have another safe place to vent, without fear of embarrassment.

You WILL get through this, one day at a time...but the fact that he disappeared will unfortunately make it more difficult because you don't have any starting point for closure. But you have the right idea...there's no way that a man who could do this to you could be right for you.

Hang in there, and keep us posted on how you are doing, ok?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:34pm
Hi Donna,
Thank you so much for your words of kindness. I'm so sorry that you too are going through hurt and pain. You're right, I'm mourning for what I thought that I had, obviously not what I actually had. I'm trying to pray about it, but I'm having problems--this man is the one who brought me to Christianity and he is a former pastor, so I'm having trouble right now with all of that, as well. But I have to look at this as a learning opportunity, a growing experience. It's hard to do that right now, though. Thank you again, Donna and bless you.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:48pm
Thank you, Sheri, for your response. I'm sorry to hear about your situation--it stinks, doesn't it? And I've heard of things like this happening to other people, like the husband of your dental hygienist, but I still just can't imagine it, especially when there's a child involved. Human beings are very strange creatures aren't they? I'm just dreading the day to day stuff that I'll have to face. He and I went to movies *all* the time and now I can't imagine how I'll feel going to a movie without him. I can't imagine going to the restaurants that we went to, going to church, even watching Law and Order, which we always watched together. I think it's the little things that are going to be rough. I know that things will pop up when I'm least expecting them. I teach high school and my students all know about him and it's going to be difficult if they ask about him. So many things. And the loneliness is going to be hard to handle--I'm used to spending most nights at his place and I can't stand to be in my house without the TV on right now--too quiet. Thank goodness for the internet.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 7:01pm

Yes, it's often the little day to day things we miss the most, isn't it? The one saving grace of my situation is that it was long-distance, so I already am used to doing things on my own, and it's just the memories of the things we did on his visits that I have to watch out for.

Do you have friends and family you can rely on to help you through this? Having a good friend or trusted family member come over at night (and then go to the movies with you when you feel ready) could help.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 7:14pm
Hi again Sheri,
Yes, my parents live very close by and they are very understanding and loving and encouraging. They've offered for me to spend the night at their house (I declined) and they will always be there for me. Unfortunately, I've let my circle of friends dwindle over the past few years as I spent more and more time with my boyfriend, who wasn't very social. However, I do have a friend I can talk to (though I haven't yet--I'm feeling very humiliated). She never cared for the man, but she will be there for me. I don't want to talk to other people about the situation because of the humiliation factor. Thanks a million, Sheri.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 8:10pm

I went through a very, very humiliating situation with my ex girlfriend too. I couldn't (too embarassed) to talk about it with any of my friends or family. Yet at the same time I was totally in shock and completely devistated by the situation. I kept it inside for quite a while because there was no one else that I felt comfortable talking to about it.

I finally chose to talk about it with a counselor and found it very helpful in dealing with and getting over the situation. I think it would be just as good an option for you to try.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Know that with a bit of time, it will not hurt nearly as much as it does right now. With a lot of time, it will be a lot better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 8:37pm
It's so helpful to hear how other people are experiencing the same or similar things--that's why this board is so good. It's not that I want anyone else to have gone through this mess, but it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling. A counselor is probably a good idea and I may look into that possibility eventually (in addition to being a former pastor, my boyfriend was also a counselor and motivational speaker--can you believe it? He didn't have any current clients, but this was a person who was responsible for dealing with people's emotions and relationships!!! I guess he just couldn't deal with his own.)
Thanks for your support.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2005
Mon, 12-05-2005 - 8:43pm
I wish you only peace and solace. I, too am having difficulty with prayer right now, like there is some kind of block. I hope you break through and get back on track. I think coming here was a great start. Now we really know we are not alone, there is someone willing to walk beside you through your pain. Bless you...Donna
Faith
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 12:04am

I am so sorry to hear this. Can you call his daughter?

The only thing I can think of is that he must have really screwed up at his company...I mean to leave your job, your apartment. I mean...did he embezzle? Murder someone? It just seems so odd.

That is what I thought when I read your post. I know this is hard to do because you are in it, but it's not about you. Something is amiss & it just doesn't make sense. Instead of gettiing angry/sad, can you call any of his friends or his daughter so you get at least get some closure...like "hey I have been trying to reach_____ is he alright?"

I am so sorry to hear this...but he sounds like he went off the deep end? I mean I just don't get it either & this is the most extreme case I have read.

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