Disappeared without a trace
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| Mon, 12-05-2005 - 6:01pm |
Hi, I'm new to these boards, but I was just looking for someplace to go, I'm so confused, angry and sad.
I am 43 years old and have been dating a man for 4 1/2 years. We have been close, spent vacations together, spent time with his adult daughter (who lives elsewhere), with my parents, etc. I loved him with all my heart and he knew that. I had suspicions over the years that he wasn't always truthful with me, but chose to ignore this and concentrate on the good things.
He often worked late several days in a row and I wouldn't see or talk to him usually during that time. He was supposed to be working late Thurs-Sun and I was to see him today (Monday), as usual, after school (I'm a teacher). On Sunday, I tried to call his cell phone (his only phone) to leave a message that I would be a little later than usual on Monday. I got a message that the call could not be completed. I decided to go to his apartment and leave a note. I got there and was putting my key in the door and turning the knob when someone opened it from the inside. There was a man there, surrounded by boxes, who had just moved into the apartment. He said, "Oh yeah, that guy must have moved out". I know that my jaw dropped. I was light-headed, my stomach was in knots, I was in shock as I apologized to this man and left.
I thought that I would at least get a phone call or message today, saying that he had left--this would have been awful, to be sure, but I've heard nothing, which I think is even more awful. How can one person treat another like this? He wasn't terribly affectionate most of the time, but he didn't ever treat me badly.
How can a man just pick up and leave town, leaving me to find out in this horrible manner? I called his place of work and they said that he no longer worked there. I'm feeling humiliated, duped, betrayed--you name it. I'm embarrassed to even write this, but I need to vent. I don't have much experience with relationships and don't know how to get through this. I know that right now I just need to get throught it a day (or an hour) at a time, but I think I'm still in shock. I know that this was probably for the best (it couldn't possibly be a good thing to be with a man who would treat me like this), but I'm remembering all the good times we had and am wondering if it was all just a sham.
Any advice or words of encouragement that you can give would be appreciated.
Laura

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Wow, that is terrible. I don't understand how people can do this AT ALL. It's just so cruel. I'm dealing with a disappearance after 1.5 years of an on again, off again, long-distance relationship, but this is much, much worse. I'm so sorry.
I was talking to my dental hygienist about my guy who disappeared and she had a story that trumped even yours...her husband of 12 years just walked out one day without a word, and they had a child together. He didn't talk to her for over *two years*...and never did give her any explanation. It just boggles the mind what people are capable of.
Please, feel free to vent anytime. You might also want to find a good counselor so you have another safe place to vent, without fear of embarrassment.
You WILL get through this, one day at a time...but the fact that he disappeared will unfortunately make it more difficult because you don't have any starting point for closure. But you have the right idea...there's no way that a man who could do this to you could be right for you.
Hang in there, and keep us posted on how you are doing, ok?
Sheri
Thank you so much for your words of kindness. I'm so sorry that you too are going through hurt and pain. You're right, I'm mourning for what I thought that I had, obviously not what I actually had. I'm trying to pray about it, but I'm having problems--this man is the one who brought me to Christianity and he is a former pastor, so I'm having trouble right now with all of that, as well. But I have to look at this as a learning opportunity, a growing experience. It's hard to do that right now, though. Thank you again, Donna and bless you.
Laura
Yes, it's often the little day to day things we miss the most, isn't it? The one saving grace of my situation is that it was long-distance, so I already am used to doing things on my own, and it's just the memories of the things we did on his visits that I have to watch out for.
Do you have friends and family you can rely on to help you through this? Having a good friend or trusted family member come over at night (and then go to the movies with you when you feel ready) could help.
Sheri
Yes, my parents live very close by and they are very understanding and loving and encouraging. They've offered for me to spend the night at their house (I declined) and they will always be there for me. Unfortunately, I've let my circle of friends dwindle over the past few years as I spent more and more time with my boyfriend, who wasn't very social. However, I do have a friend I can talk to (though I haven't yet--I'm feeling very humiliated). She never cared for the man, but she will be there for me. I don't want to talk to other people about the situation because of the humiliation factor. Thanks a million, Sheri.
Laura
I went through a very, very humiliating situation with my ex girlfriend too. I couldn't (too embarassed) to talk about it with any of my friends or family. Yet at the same time I was totally in shock and completely devistated by the situation. I kept it inside for quite a while because there was no one else that I felt comfortable talking to about it.
I finally chose to talk about it with a counselor and found it very helpful in dealing with and getting over the situation. I think it would be just as good an option for you to try.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Know that with a bit of time, it will not hurt nearly as much as it does right now. With a lot of time, it will be a lot better.
Thanks for your support.
Laura
I am so sorry to hear this. Can you call his daughter?
The only thing I can think of is that he must have really screwed up at his company...I mean to leave your job, your apartment. I mean...did he embezzle? Murder someone? It just seems so odd.
That is what I thought when I read your post. I know this is hard to do because you are in it, but it's not about you. Something is amiss & it just doesn't make sense. Instead of gettiing angry/sad, can you call any of his friends or his daughter so you get at least get some closure...like "hey I have been trying to reach_____ is he alright?"
I am so sorry to hear this...but he sounds like he went off the deep end? I mean I just don't get it either & this is the most extreme case I have read.
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