breaking up after seven years

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
breaking up after seven years
12
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 1:16pm

my boyfriend and i broke up recently after being together for about seven years. i guesss he was a committment-phobe. he didn't want to get married or have a kid, which i did. i waited and waited, i tried to be patient (he was ambivalent for a few years), but then i realized i had to leave. i know i should have left earlier, but our day to day life was really fun. i think it's possible he wanted to end the relationship but didn't know how to, so he put it all on me. and i did it, i left. moved back across the country.

i talked to him the first week after i left and the second week after i left, but decided that it wasn't a good idea. during the second conversation i was starting to beg to come back (bad idea). he replied that i was just saying that because we missed each other and i wouldn't be happy if i went back. the conversation was really depressing. after that i decided that i can't talk to him for a long time. i don't even have a date in mind when i think i can talk to him. some distant time in the future.

i feel totally lost. i'm 34, haven't had a kid yet, i feel really unstable in life and that bums me out. it feels lousy to be 34 and be so transient right now. i know i can create my own stability, but i guess i'm just feeling like i miss the life i left behind and i'm scared to start over.

and the other thing that makes it hard is that for some reason, SO many people i know have gotten married in the past three years. it's weird. seriously, almost everybody i know is part of a new marriage. i'm not exaggerating.

i just wanted to be loved like that. you know, loved enough to marry. i think that's one of the worst parts of this for me.

is there anyone else out there who has been in a long term relationship (5+ years) that ended like this? is anyone out there in their mid-30's, childless, and scared like me? i'm trying to be as cool as i can about it, but i have moments where i feel like this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 2:51pm

Hi January,

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. You did the right thing for yourself-its so hard. I was in a 9 year relationship-I knew for a very long time that he did not want to get married nor have kids. I stayed in the relationship because I really thought he'd change his mind. Finally about 3 years ago, we ended it. It was so hard-the hardest part was because we truly didn't have bad feelings towards eachother, we didn't betray eachother-it just stopped working and I think it stopped because we wanted different things. I was devastated at first. Cried everyday for a week, didn't eat-but then in time, it got easier. You have to think about yourself and what you really want. I tell you-its been 3 years but I've had my hard times, even now-I met someone over a year ago-its been a very slow progressing relationship, but there are times when I truly miss my old boyfriend. I try to appreciate what we once had and not regret any of it. Its made me who I am now. You are lucky that you are across the country. We live a town away from eachother. Believe it or not we have not bumped into eachother-we talk every so often but I have to say its still hard for me when we talk and so I try to have as little contact if not any. Being in your 30's, single, no children--its hard. I was just at a bday party the other day-my friend's daughter turned 2 and all of our other friends were there with their husbands and babies. I wanted to cry-but you have to believe that you will be a mom. More than anything I want to be a mom and I just keep telling myself that I will. Give yourself time to heal, focus on yourself, find yourself again-its amazing what you learn. This message board is quite helpful. Even to just read what others have posted. My god-its been 3 years for me and I still check it out. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 3:01pm

hi there, i'm not in my mid 30's(29)and my relationship was not 5 plus years(4, lived for 2)...but i can tell you that although we're not in the exact situation or maybe place in life, i know the pain/sadness/and fear that you feel. when my long term relationship ended (to me, 4 years is long), i was scared out of my mind. the thought of starting over, creating a new life, "fending for myself" almost left me numb with fear. we talked about marriage, children, buying a home..etc. but i left for my own reasons and issues, and i went through a looooong phase (somewhat still there) where i regretted my decision and wanted him to take me back (beg, like how you put it). for a while, i went through the same thing, almost everyone i knew, whether close to me, or someone i ran into that i hadn't seen in years...everyone was married, or engaged, and that made me ill. i too, till today at times, miss the life i had with my ex...the life i walked away from..but i survived and you can too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 3:21pm
I was in a relationship like you 5+. He did talk about getting married. I didn't really. Then I left and when I did he really wanted me to come back and marry him, but I didn't want to. I do feel like many years have passed me. When you stall for so many years I think it's because one of the people are unsure about this being the relationship they want. We were good friends, but no passion.
Then I met someone I fell in love with and would have married right away, unfortunately he didn't fee the same for me. So I'm having a harder time getting over the short relationship.
I don't think you should waste any more time on this guy. If he wants to marry he will come around. I'm more of the commitment phobic myself, but when I met the second guy there was no question in my mind. I think men are the same.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 6:41pm

Oh honey, I am just like you! I'll be 33 on Thursday, never been married and no kids.


My ex and I had talked about getting married about 6 months into the relationship - he was the one to approach the subject. It seemed like I had finally

-----------------------------------

"You get what you settle for"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:39pm
Hey there maybeinjanuary,
I too just came out of a six year relationship, we got married last year. It's not that one of us didn't want to but sooner wasn't the right time. And we thought we were playing it safe! If we were already together for this long why not get married?! But it seemed that just because we were together that long didn't mean we were happy. I guess we both thought that if we got married it would "complete" things. It just didn't work out that way, and it didn't have a chance anyway because of his friend living with us as well. We both agreed no kids until we were married, and I'm glad we waited (really he changed his mind) because I can't imagine dragging a child through this mess. Plus, no kids mean that I never have to see him again if I don't want to. Really, he broke it off with me and I begged him to reconsider. He wouldn't do that. So I just left and got my stuff and few days later (he wasn't there thank God). But no contact is for the best right now. I honestly believe that. I am going on two weeks today. He hasn't tried to get a hold of me either and that burns but I'm sure he feels the same way. I made the mistake of thinking that if we got married we would be forever. Big mistake. That is why I said if I ever to it (get married), it was only going to be once. Anyway when I moved out, I moved in with my brother and sister in law two hours away so I wouldn't have to see him. It has made things easier and it is scary. The last thing I ever wanted to do was start over, after I had worked so hard. Yet, some part of me is excited to do new things and not have to answer to anyone. Just think of the positive. I know it's a grey area for you right now but you'll see it. You are very brave for what you have done and what you're going through. Just remember that marriage and kids don't define you. I don't know if that helps but I hope your pain isn't as bad anymore. You did the right thing even though it doesn't seem like that now. Everyone here knows how we feel. Please write back and let us know how your doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 9:42pm

I have not had a long term relationship like that, but I can relate to being in my 30's childless, and scared. Scared that no one will ever love me, want to marry me, and have kids with me. And even if I did have a child on my own, I am also very scared of raising them as a single mom.

It does feel like people are defined by whether they are married and have kids. I completely understand the stability thing you're talking about -it's like if you are married, you build your life around a relationship, and that's what grounds you.

The best advice I've been given is to focus on what you can control - setting goals, working to meet them, being a good friend, giving to others, etc. But of course this doesn't always work, and there are times when I am sad too. So hang in there, and know that there are people here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 11:09am

Hey,

I totally understand what you're feeling. I'm turning 32 next year and I've spent my 20s in the wrong relationships out of fear of being alone. I had so much going for me all along but unfortunately I let myself be lead by my fears. The best advice I can tell you is to not be lead by your fears any longer and everything will fall into place--I promise. Well, atleast I hope so for my sake. I'm just taking a very zen attitude towards life now. Plus I'm going to trust my instincts more now when I'm with people. No more second guessing myself!!! And I'm going to trust the universe, trust that it has a plan for me. Be open to the world and you'll get yours. I promise. And 34 is NOT old at all. Remember 30 is the new 20! ; )

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 10:30am
i wanted to thank everyone for responding to my post. i'm still feel really freaked out and sad, but reading the responses helped. i'm trying to feel like i can move on and be happy, but i still feel like i want him back. i know that's not possible, but i'm still wanting it. he called the other night to ask me about mail that i was still getting there and to "say hi". i called him back and talked about the mail and then when he tried to ask me how things are (casually, like everything's normal), i told him i wasn't ready to talk yet and could we talk in a couple of months. he didn't argue and it was a short call. i knew if i talked to him i would beg for him back again. i can't do that. i don't know what to do because i feel like i made a big mistake. i really do. i'm starting to think that i don't need to have a kid, i just need him. but i can't have him anymore because now that i left, it's over. there's no turning back. i moved across the country. i know if he really wanted me back he would tell me that and he hasn't told me that. so i guess it's better that i left. i'm feeling totally insane here. i just want him back, i want to go back to my life and him. i don't know what to do. i feel like i did the right thing and i feel like i did the wrong thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 7:50pm

Hi January,

I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. Trust me that it gets easier. You are so sad right now and that is okay!!! Try to remember the things that you want-you will meet someone who wants those same things. This time of year I think is especially hard. The holidays tend to bring up all kinds of emotions. Please hang in there---it will get easier each day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 9:42pm

hey january!

from your first post, it seems like you were content on some level with your ex but you weren't really feeling the relatonship. I think you made the best decision. Of course you're going to feel like crap sometimes. Believe I have my days! But, you can't let that make you get back in another unfulfilling relationship. I think you braught up an interesting point about us being in our 30s. I don't think age matters at the end of the day, but for me atleast being in my 30s makes me not want to waist any more time with mr. maybe/kindofnice. I mean I don't want anymore half*ss relationships. Been there! Done that! But the unfortunate reality of not settling for less, is dealing with the loneliness. But, the loneliness will pass!! It will! It will! Don't let it conquer you and make you get into another unfulfilling romantic situation. PLEASE DON'T! It's not worth it. I mean once you find that special someone you have most of your life (about 2/3) of your entire life span that you're going to spend with him. Think of this time as a little me time before that.

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