I've lost faith in love

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
I've lost faith in love
3
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 2:14pm

I've been looking on the internet for help with this, and I've read a lot. I decided to post something, because I think I'd feel better if I got advice specifically for me.

I recently broke up with my first love. It's been about two or three weeks, on month this Dec. 10th.

I try not to think about the future, or tomorrow. It's hard to bury all the dreams I had. I can practically see most of the advice that is going to come, if any. ^^; Um, we met a week after I turned 18. And it was a blast. Three months after we started dating, an incedent happened. His best friend, Ben, at the time was dating my friend, Manda (they're now engaged after 5 months). Well, one day Ben, Manda, and I were hanging out. We had gone to a park that was wet from after rain, and Ben spun us on the merry go round, Manda even through up after it. We then walked to his house and all three fell asleep on his bed, not even thinking anything of it. Well, during then, Ben kissed me in our sleep, and Manda overheard it. We realized that he thought I was Manda, and even freaked out when he realized it wasn't. We all laughed about it. Chris (ex) didn't think it was so funny, which was understandable. Since then, everything has gone down hill. Chris said that he couldn't be my boyfriend while I was friends with Ben, and I had to choose. I chose Chris. My family loved Ben more than Chris, and were very upset about this. Mom and Chris wouldn't talk to each other. Manda hated Chris. My friends thought I was better off without him. I was so stressed, and it got worse when Chris and I had sex 4 months later. It was an accident really, and I would rather not go into details. Not only was I devistated that I had had sex, because I always dreamed about waiting till marriage. But mom found out, and another incedent followed and Chris wasn't even allowed on the property. Well, I'm unhappy. I was unhappy because it felt like my life was spiraling out of control. And I realized that I was being selfish by staying with him and putting him through my depression. We were originally only going to take a break, but without telling me, he decided it was final.

It hurts because it seems like it's so easy for him to get over me, but he's been in love before (which was something I kinda resented), he knows how to get over it. I've never been in love before. Now that I realize that what I want is him, I can't have him.

I deleted his number from my cell, and my dad's. I deleted him off of my aim and xanga. He's already said his 50% over me, and I don't think I'm even 3% over him. Though I desperatly want to be. I'm willing to do almost anything.

I think the hardest thing there is, is hope and my mind. I have trouble controlling my thoughts. I know people say that I'll get over it. It's like being injured in a car wreck and such, I have to give it time. But life goes on. And I know it will, since God doesn't seem like letting me rest in peace yet.

But my thoughts. . . .I imagine what January 14-15 will be like, that was when he asked me out. And I hope to avoid contact with him so I won't know when he starts dating someone else, but I know if he does and I find out, I'll be crushed.

But I've lost all my faith in love it seems. Feelings, especially love, seems so perverse. Falling in love, becoming lovers. . .only to end up as friends or less. So you move on to the next person, always searching for the one that will be until the day you die. But. . .it just seems horrible. . .to share so much just to lose it. Just so it becomes a good memory. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong and I'm the only one that sees it.

I want him back. I can list things about him that are wrong for me. I can even list reasons that we shouldn't be together. But I still want him. So much. I just want to be over this. I want to stop crying at the drop of a pin. I just want it all to stop. I want to stop hurting. I want to stop hoping that one day we'll be together. . .I know I just have to wait. . .never been good at that. . . .Thank you for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 4:17pm

Hi,

No matter what age you are it hurts. BUT, you are much too young to be jaded in my opinion...a 40 y/o. This is the time to get to know you.

What helped me was going to Codependent Anonympus meetings...an all women's group. I know that word is so overused... and/or read the following books:

2 books I recommend are:

Are You the One for Me?: Knowing Who's Right and Avoiding Who's Wrong (Mass Market Paperback) by Barbara De Angelis

Editorial Reviews

From AudioFile
In an exceptional audio presentation, an expert on romantic love spells out her guidelines for evaluating romantic relationships. De Angelis is an organized and accessible speaker who shares her thinking with spare language, elegant examples, and a balance of abstract principles and personal vignettes. Relationships fail for predictable reasons, such as lack of sexual chemistry, incompatibility, crazy in-laws, past emotional trauma, addictions, character flaws, immaturity, and co-dependency. To find out if your current love attachment is a keeper, check off the issues that apply, ask yourself the excellent questions she offers, and speak up or take action when it's important to do so. Required listening for anyone serious about evaluating a potential long-term partner. T.W. © AudioFile 2004, Portland, Maine-- Copyright © AudioFile, Portland, Maine--This text refers to the Audio CD edition.
Associates, LP. All rights reserved.--This text refers to the Hardcover edition.
************************************************************************************
It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken : The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy by Greg Behrendt (Narrator), Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt (Narrator)
Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly
If He's Just Not That into You told a woman how to spot a man who's not really interested in a relationship with her—and how to deal with it proactively—this follow-up is for those, male and female, who've been blindsided by a breakup after thinking Everything Is Fine. Speaking less this time from a guy's perspective and more as someone who has been dumped and survived, Behrendt tackles the often inevitable symptoms of a broken attachment: the obsessive thinking (and calling and e-mailing), the crying, the debilitating depression (and its effects on one's job performance), the crazy acting-out, the food and spending issues, the friend burnout. This time, Behrendt is aided by his wife, who offers her own breakup stories, with the two together serving as a constant reminder that one can love again. The book is padded with not-so-funny vignettes, and anecdotal letters from readers are answered in a rather wearying Dear Abby style. There's little new or insightful, but Behrendt's frankness—never too harsh—is as winning as ever, and the title is catchy. Everything is more or less in place for this burgeoning franchise.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.--This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Tue, 12-06-2005 - 5:17pm

Unfortunatly, I think I've been slightly jaded all my life. I lost all hope for the world to become a better place when I was at the most a freshman in highschool. Now a freshman in college, and I think it's actually gotten worse. It's hard to see me in a good future when so many people I know are unemployed, poor, or being screwed over by someone else (This is strictly job-wise) Not only am I trying to bury 'us' but along with it a couple long term dreams and goals.

I'm a very cynical and pessimistic person at heart I suppose. Thank you very much for your comment, and I'll look into those.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Wed, 12-07-2005 - 7:59pm
Do not let a past love gone bad poison all future loves..that is NOT fair to you...move on and heal...Come here often..it is an incredible support network. We all felt the same..we didn't think we could breathe without "them" in our life..but here we are all breathing and surviving..