Why don't guys have these NC probs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Why don't guys have these NC probs
9
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 5:22pm

Ya know we women for the most part seems to have a hard time letting go, obsessive thinking & adhering to the NC rules. I wonder if it's the way we women are raised--- but we seem to go into this panic--tailspin. I don't see guys behaving like this?

Why don't guys seem to have these problems...or are they just considered stalkers.

Guys...any input?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 5:46pm

Oh, I've had plenty of exes have trouble with it. I don't think it's really a gender thing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 6:10pm

My ex was supportive of my wishes to pursue NC but then he would call me after about a week or if I was online (before I blocked him) he would come on to chat..when I reminded him of NC he got very vexed. I think it depends.

I seem to be able to make a week and then poof, back to calling but not this time. I cannot go there anymore..3 months of hell is way enough over one man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 6:14pm

Because when you don't want to be with a man...he's done with you.

And when he's done with you first - he's done as well.

NC isn't a solution....it's another "step" women have put betwen themselves and self-actualization.

No contact if you want to set that reuqirement on yourself for a short period of time where you might be tempted ot contact him in the event something great or horrible happened.....fine.

But it's not you thinking that never hearing from or seeing him again is going to make you change into a mroe secure, mature, self-defined and responsible person.

A guy isn't looking for a relationship to make him complete, secure, successful, mature, identified, status'd or independent...therefore when you want to stop having sex and hanging out with him - oh well, someone else will.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 6:56pm

I think guys have a problem with the no-contact rule as well. Even if the women are the ones initiating the contact, the men (well, most of them) seem to have no problem responding in return. My ex has a history of contacing me on and off. I will admit that I am the one, especially right after our breakup, that initiated most of the contact. But he would also contact me occasionally, usually while drinking. And (surprise surprise) he started contacting me a lot more on his own once I began to ignore him. We played the on and off contact game for over a year! I'm happy to report that it's done for good though...I finally told him to leave me alone, like I should have done a long time ago. We haven't had any contact in almost three weeks (that's actually a significant amount of time for us) and it feels really good...almost freeing in a way. I don't have to worry about or wonder if he's going to contact me, or if I should contact him, etc etc. Everyone always told me that I'd feel better once I cut off contact with him; it just took me awhile to fully believe that. It felt nice to take control of my situation...in the past, I felt pretty lousy whenever my ex didn't contact me for awhile. But now that doesn't affect me because I know that I'm the one who made the choice not to have contact anymore.

As for the obsessive thinking issue...well, I thought of (and still do) my ex quite a bit and I just figured that he probably wasn't thinking about me, especially since he had a new girlfriend. But as it turns out, I was wrong...my ex has told me that he thinks of me often and that lots of things remind him of me, that he misses me when we don't talk, etc. Of course, when you get right down to it, none of this means anything...but don't be so sure that men aren't thinking of their ex'es just as much as females are. They may just choose not to act on it.

I think a lot of males (not all of course!) have trouble swallowing their pride and do not want their ex'es to know that they're thinking of or missing them. If a guy truly regrets breaking up with an ex and knows how to act like a mature adult, he will let her know that he wants to get back together and actually follow through on trying to accomplish this. For a long time I was delusional and had myself convinced that my ex still wanted to be with me, despite the fact that he is engaged. I believed basically everything he told me; I thought he was still in love with me. But he can give me all the sweet talk that he wants; but if he doesn't back up his words with his actions,it means nothing. I'm slowly realizing that actions speak louder than words by a long shot. Maybe that's another reason more women seem to struggle with no-contact...we like to express ourselves through words, while males usually lean more towards action. It could be difficult for some males to know how to speak with their ex'es, so they just don't bother. Either way, no-contact is for the best for everyone involved. When we first broke up, my ex actually told me that he didn't think we should try to be "friends" because it would be too hard. I only wish I would have listened to him then...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 12-08-2005 - 8:16pm

Erin,

I complemented you yesterday on one of your posts as being one of the best I've ever read.

This one I have to disagree with. I just don't believe much of what you wrote.

::Because when you don't want to be with a man...he's done with you.

I am a man my last relationship ended when I found she no longer wanted to marry me, then later she no longer wanted to live with me, then a little later it was have sex with me, then a bit later it was see me in person and finally she wanted NC. Through all of this I thought we could be friends one day if she really had ever cared about me as much as she seemed to at one time. I'd tried my best to respect what she wanted each step along the way.

I really don't think guys are that much different in this area. I think it can go both ways. In fact, I know more women that want nothing to do with the guy than the other way around.

::A guy isn't looking for a relationship to make him complete, secure, successful, mature, identified, status'd or independent...therefore when you want to stop having sex and hanging out with him - oh well, someone else will.

That really sounded very jadded.

I am looking for a new relationship (one day) and probably for some of the reasons (if not all) you outlined above. While you are right that if a woman wants to stop having sex and hanging out with me, as they say, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, however, I have never been able to understand how someone can purport to love and care about you so much than a relatively short time later they choose a life without you in it. That tells me they never really cared about you in the way they thought in the first place. It tells me that they were filling a roll, or a need that they had, or a hole in their life and when they didn't want you in that roll anymore, well as you said he/she is done with you.

I really don't think it is tied into gender so much as personality.

::No contact if you want to set that reuqirement on yourself for a short period of time where you might be tempted ot contact him in the event something great or horrible happened.....fine.

This I do totally agree with.

I've never bought into the need for NC (baring issues like violence, etc.). For this guy, once I've been in-love with someone, I know I will always love them. I don't ever what to eliminate someone I love from my life entirely.

Sorry Erin, I know you've gotten some crap already about some of your other posts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 1:00am

Thank you everyone for your posts. It was nice to hear from a guy too. I agree with your thoughts.

*SIGH* Everytime I read Erin's post, I have to remind myself that these posts are just opinions...like a$$holes...everyone has one. The post didn't sound like it was someone that is "self-actualized". As the years go by I see the posts get angrier & angrier & perhaps there is just pain behind all that. I think well that person must hate men or women or herself as I find none of the posts supportive but rather abusive.

In response, the NC for me was the best choice because I felt everytime I contacted him it would give him the opportunity to reject me again...no thanks. He hurt me. Yes it was my choice to date him. BTW... I did not have sex with him. I have done a lot of work on myself & I do not look for a relationship to complete me. We all live & learn in relationships & I know that I am trying to make better choices.

All I was posting was to find out how other men felt. I do appreciate the feedback,

Jstbu

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 8:17pm

I am a man my last relationship ended when I found she no longer wanted to marry me, then later she no longer wanted to live with me, then a little later it was have sex with me, then a bit later it was see me in person and finally she wanted NC. Through all of this I thought we could be friends one day if she really had ever cared about me as much as she seemed to at one time. I'd tried my best to respect what she wanted each step along the way.

Okay, I can respect you thinking "like a woman here" - for lack of better way to make it succinctly clear. You wanted her on wahtever terms she would have you. And rather than accept that she didn't love you like you required to be loved and owuldn't settle for less - you settled for less and less contact...while she had no less benefits out of you than she ever wanted.

While lots of women do that - sitting around waiting on him to call, or decide, being delighted when he shows up and has no requirements of him......lots of men do it as well.

It's one thing ot be attached to the idea of relationship and waht you think it'll offer to your life and lifestyle. It's quite another thing to respect and admire anotehr individual for the character nad integrity and intellect they display in every way that they conduct their lives.

That would make you want to keep affiliating with them - if you respected and admired their individual character and intelligence, and how they conducted themselves in regard to life in general.

But somewhere along the way respecting and admiring your partner as an individual got lost in your relationship. And have "a relationship" because of what you expected, assumed, projected, and invested became the goal...and a relationship is simply a liason between two people. There is no set standard or requirement of dynamic interaction to call it a relationship. Personally - I've come to term anything not equality based, mutually beneficial, mutually desired, honestly communicative and based in respect and admiration of the individual a "liason".....or an "alliance".....or something beyond "relationship". We have the term relationship syonymous in our society with love and respect...and that is not the case in every instance by a long shot.

I really don't think guys are that much different in this area. I think it can go both ways. In fact, I know more women that want nothing to do with the guy than the other way around.

And I find it understandable that when a woman is done...she's done.....to a larger extent that men.

The message men get from the onset of life in some capacity and percentage is "you won't have what you don't pursue and earn for yourself, you won't become what you dont' make of yourself". That message puts the onus on men to define themselves as they see fit, pursue that definition to completion of identity, to be not so much looking for cooperation or inclusion or assistance to become or achieve or possess - but to work within the facts and situations as they are - to get wht it is they want.

That's a wonderfully correct message. It sends you out into the world with a larger awareness that your destiny is your responsiblity - not "your destiny is controlled by fate or circumstances beyond your ability to control".

Women however societally do not get that message AS MUCH. they do get it - but in a lesser emphasized format. They get the message that there are two status's or offices that they'll want to hold - IF they're to be complete - wife and mother. Both of those require cooperation and inclusion....that leads to presenting yourself well and considering how you're being accepted - over whether htis person that you're so desirous of attracting is really worth knowing in terms of character and principles.

So women tend to align with men that "make they appear in thier own eyes as they wish to be".......that's what wanting cooperation, inclusion, and agreemnt in order to become complete is going to inspire as a path.

So women aren't with you so much because of who you really are, but how you make they appear they are - that they're not.

When you fail to live up to the potential and the expectations - often uncommunicated - when infatuation fades...they then see themselves without the rosy aura of the light that they had shining on you.......and they're less than thrilled...and as a result - by God you are so not what I thought, you misrepresented yourself, and alliance with someone like you makes me look bad - RUN!

It's been my personal experience that men tend to really fall in love more often with the women that they marry - for who they are when they marry. The old saying of many priests and preachers is humorous but true....they often counsel brides to realize "aisle/altar/hymn is not I'll alter him".....ecuase a greater % of owmen than men tend ot marry "what will be" - rather htan what is.

Men tend to say "I do" to what is - as it is, thinking this is great - let's commit.

Women CAN be more often tending to say "I do" -t o what will be. Thinking that her status as wife gives her more rights to change her expectations and requires you to live up to them post-I do that were never part of a pre-I do discussion.

And again, the old joke says it best...the groom and his best man standing in the hallway - waiting to enter the church....the groom beaming says to his best friend "I'm getting a great girl here. She's smart, she's funny, she's beautiful, she'd intelligent with money, and she loves oral sex."

The bride and her maid of honor down the hall in her dressing room are putting the finishing touches on her appearance...and the bride dreamily stares off into space and says to her maid of honor "just think, after today I don't have to work at that crummy job I hate, and I have given my last blow job, I so hate doing that."

Is he in for a shock or what - on his wedding night and when they return from the honeymoon! Would he have siad "I do" - knowing that "marriage" as a status was going to rip apart the world he so enjoyed he was willing to commit to it?

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 8:21pm

Perhaps I look at NC from another viewpoint.

In having no desire to contact someone I don't admire and respect in character....I have no reason to impose that as a limitation or restriction on my behavior at all.

I don't attach early to an idea regarding alliance........but if someone displays character via actions, decisions or words that is questionable in my opinion - I obviously want no more close connection with them.

Values justify actions and value determine character. Situations don't allow you to do what you do - you seek situations to allow you to do what you believe is justified, your right and right to do.

So it's just never occurred to me to have to force myself not to contact someone I didn't admire at the core level.....no matter how close we'd been or whatever, if I'd made a poor character judgement in original affiliation, revealing thier character gave me no problem in limiting myself to civil, polite conversation only when situations demanded it for protocol.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Fri, 12-09-2005 - 8:41pm

My ex and I split amicably yet with much sadness and grief. He immediately starting a sexual fling with one and then another. I tried to be cool with it and even had a week and a weekend with him doing the same..we were back together as a couple in all regards but when he left he went back to his " new life". It made me sick and jealous and anxious. I could not share my man with others even tho he wasn't my man anymore..being with him confused me..it kept me connected so I told him NC. As you can see I too was all over the place. I was merely finding a place for me in his new life..or trying to fit in somewhere but I realized I could not and I needed to let him go..we split due to age and long distance. He got what he wanted and I needed to move on.

Despite all of this he does not seem to get the NC rule..he calls out of the blue and cannot understand why....well this time I am not taking his calls..if he hasnt figured it out yet he never will...

For me, I deserve way more and so I let him go and move on..not happily but out of necessity...