read this letter he wrote me!!!!!
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| Sun, 12-11-2005 - 11:01am |
I have been posting often about my ex who broke up with me 4 weeks ago. he said he loved me more then anything, but knew we could never be together because we are so different. We were together a year and a half and i was the first woman he loved. I have been posting asking how he could move on so quickly, but not trying to contact me. i interpreted his no contact with him not caring. Well i got a letter from him yesterday. it is the most unbeleivable letter i have ever gotten. This is what it says. I can't imagine what is going through his head. he is so in control on his emotions that its chilling and he is clearly so broken up by his decision to end things with me yet has the will of steel to have done it. I know there is no getting back together, but it does feel good to know that he actually does love me. look at what this says:
"well i am trying so hard not to write, but i can't help myself. I don't care about my handwriting, bad grammer or whether or not i make sense at all. I just know that i miss you with all of my soul and all of my heart. even though knowing we cannot stay together. Each time i run into you, or see you in the street its like a knife in my chest. I feel like Noah and allie (the notebook) where he compares themselves to the sun and the moon. They can't exist without each other and they can never stay together. I swear thats the way i feel. I have no words to say the way i feel. To stay with you is wrong and to stay away from you is even worse.
I remember each detail of your body, your gorgeous smile, your cheeks, the lovely way you look at me, your mannerisms....
Yes, i know it sounds crazy but i'm still sure we can't stay together and still sure you are, you were and you will always be the love of my life. You are such a special person, a special woman. You are the one who showed me what love means. you are my first love and i am almost sure my last real one.. Wow. i will stop before i cry. I guess you are right about not talking to me. we can't be friends now. there is still too much going on. I am going home and i will be there for 3 weeks. I should be happier, i am happy but something is wrong. i feel like i am leaving a part of my family here....You. its so weird. i never had this "family" feeling before. my mother and brother are my family, and i feel as though you are my family too.
I'm sorry, i should never say this to you. I know it hurts you but i need to tell you this one last time, and i can't look at your face when i say it. Throw this letter away, burn it, whatever. I don't want you to say anything. Lets keep things the way they are. I just want to let you know that it was one of the deepest experiences of my life. I feel like i could write forever about us and my feelings for you. but enough is enough. You will always be here, in my heart. Don't try to understand. i have given up...i accept it and i don't regret it. I i love you anyway. Have a great holiday. on dec 31 i will be thinking about you at 12 oclock
P.s.- there is much more i will tell you in my next letter.
Okay folks. stick a fork in me. im done! while its painful to get this, i am happy to know he really cares.
lucy

Hi Lucy,
It sounds as if he is confused from his letter. He says that it is over and he has given up, but then why does he mention writing another letter to you? If it truly is over, he needs to not contact you. WHile a part of you might be happy to receive his letters and know that he still cares, if it is really over, it might just hold you back more to continue receiving his letters. How are you to really move on and heal when you continue getting letters from him? It seems like you might need to have NO contact if it is really over. Just thinking about you--think about how you would feel after reading more letters like that? It just keeps the emotional bond going and makes it harder to go on with your life. You now know that he loves you and you were special to him. If he needs to spill his emotions, maybe he needs to find another outlet than continue sending you letters. On one hand, he says it's over and he's given up, but it also seems that he's trying to keep some sort of connection to you. That's just my take on it. I think the most important thing though is YOUR healing.
Cristina
i can see how you say it makes it harder to move on, but for me it doesn't. i have no dellusions of him coming back. zero. i am shocked he even went as far as to give the letter to me. very very unlike him.
I'm glad the letter helped...but if him continuing to send letters doesn't make it harder for you to move on, I will be VERY surprised. You may not feel that way NOW, but you almost certainly will.
The best thing you could do for yourself is ask him to not contact you for the time being, so you can move on.
Sheri
Please, don't take my saying this as being cynical; however, his "post-mortem" declarations, as reassuring as it is now, will NOT assist in your moving on process. When two people break up, the absolute best thing two people can do is NO CONTACT ... there needs to be time and space for people to move on.
That is strength of will. Continuing contact isn't. Now, that you've received this letter, you have some assurances that it wasn't all for naught. As for assumptions that their was someone else, you know that was just an assumption (ie, I recall from other posts asking him if he had a date).
The letter doesn't exhibit control of his emotions, if anything, it's the opposite. It's a release of his emotions. Control of his emotions would be exhibiting thru no contact. No contact doesn't equal "not caring" ... it's caring ENOUGH to not prohibit the other person's ability to move on.
That he said << P.s.- there is much more i will tell you in my next letter.>> ... if he was sending ONE letter, as a "closure thing" for him ... that, I can understand ... but, another letter? Why? Is he trying to recreate a movie ... a star-crossed lovers story (ie, since he mentioned "The Notebook") ... an "I know I can't be with you, but I long for you and love you."
Hon, this is terribly misguided. Real life isn't the movies. Writing you letters isn't going to help your moving on process ... it's only going to keep you holding onto the "good feelings" of him, and thus, you won't feel so inclined to start dating again. It's going to keep you feeling hooked to him ... and though, he's probably not doing this intentionally, it is misguided.
With the next letter, you probably won't feel as reassured. You'll start feeling like "why is he doing this to me?"
I recall when my BF and I broke up in June, we went a month with no contact. It was awful, but it did help me get my perspective in check. After a month, I saw him at a mutual gathering, and the "dam broke" so to speak. He told me how much he'd been thinking about me, missed me, etc ... of course, I said the same ... I know he was just reassuring me and vice-versa ... but, it really didn't help matters much. After that, he began taking the initiative to start calling me again ... after all, it had been a month and we thought "what's the harm?" ... well, the harm was that it got me sucked back in. The initial feeling of reassurance turned to a feeling of "I wish he would quit calling me" ... it wasn't that I didn't care ... it was that I cared too much and, if we couldn't be together, I truly just wanted to be able to move on. I stopped taking his calls. And, I had to ask him to not contact me. And, he didn't call. He respected that request. Which was a sign that he DID care, see what I mean. If someone can respect your decision and request, that is a sign of respect.
While you're happy now to know that he cares, as a result of this letter, because it was a reassurance ... but, continuing this type of contact will not, ultimately, be beneficial to you. I would suggest simply thanking him for the letter, and perhaps requesting that ... if there's a "more to it" ... that you meet one last time to talk about whatever is his "more to come" ... nip any "next letters" in the bud ... get your final "closures" so you can both move on. You'll thank yourselves for it.
"i still will not contact him anymore as i have not been, and i am pretty sure this letter was closure in a way for him."
-----------------------------------
"You get what you settle for"...
ah, Lucy, hang in there, k?! There's more to come, if you allow yourself to continue thinking about it. Are you familiar with the 5 stages of grief? Coping with a break-up can very often follow the same patterns of grieving after a death, or grieving the news of terminal illness or anything that involves grief. After all, a break-up is the death of a relationship, right?!
The five stages are:
· Denial
· Anger
· Bargaining
· Depression
· Acceptance
However, you CAN mitigate the grief by changing your thoughts, and instead of thinking him, about the anger, the letter, the relationship, anything to do with any of it ... focus your attention on YOU ... and living your life to its best ... because everyday you spend sad or anger, every thought you spend on him, is a moment you'll never get back! Easier said than done, but ... it can be done. Just get busy, turn to your friends and family (ask them for more time, ask them to HELP YOU stay busy).
Resist any temptation to call him or question "what the hell is his problem for this?" ... because, here's what will most likely happen ... Now, remember, we said the letter would set you back, despite the warm fuzzies it initially gave you ... so, it's not that I'm playing psychic here ... it's just a "been there, done that" ... that said, if you contact him about the letter or WHY he'd do that ... here's what will most likely happen:
He'll attempt to convince you that everything he said in the letter was TRUE, and it may very well be; however, that will NOT truly explain the 'why' behind how he can LOVE YOU and can't be with you. If someone loves you but can't be with you, what they're saying is that they're not equipped to be in a relationship ... they are predicating the outcome the entire time they're in the relationship ... which means, they're not really IN IT ... they've got hurt, pain, doom in their minds ... prediction in their head is that it's not going to end well so "why should I bother being in this relationship when it's going to end anyway?" ... so, therefore, I CAN'T be with you. Besides, anyone who says they "can't" is actually saying they "don't" want to or just "won't" ... because of whatever it is about them that's holding them back ... but, it's not a CAN'T ... unless a person is an invalid or completely incompetent, it's not a matter of can't, kwim?
So, in contacting him, you'd let out the anger, etc ... and he'll attempt to appease the anger and soothe your worries about it all being lies ... then, you either go back to the first stage of grief, which is denial (ie, I can't believe this is over if he really feels this way, how can it be over) or turn to the third stage, which is bargaining (ie, well then, why can't we just get back together?) with one or both of you saying that you'll change whatever wasn't working before, etc.
So, until or unless you get to the LAST stage of grief, ACCEPTANCE ... you'll bounce around within those stages ... which is why it's SO IMPORTANT to not contact him ... so that you can keep moving forward toward ACCEPTANCE!
Work thru your anger by venting here, venting with friends (careful of not unloading too much with mutual friends; you don't want it getting back to him), hitting a pillow, writing a letter back to him (don't send it!!!) ... move onto the bargaining phase ... the letter writing is a good exercise for this, actually ... in bargaining with NC, we're bargaining with ourselves (it's all those "if only" questions) ... it's getting thru the unanswered questions and realizing that you may never really understand the WHYs and HOWs of it.
Keep in mind, you can be in the angry stage one day, and the depressed stage the next, and back to denial. There are no "rules" to how it works. Just know that the sooner you ACCEPT all of it ... the sooner you'll be over it.
As for <>
Acceptance is the answer. No more questions, just acceptance. You don't HAVE TO go thru all the grief B.S ... not if you choose to just ACCEPT it ... today.
As for letting go ... letting go is all about letting go of the outcome. That's all it is.