Dealing with the anger

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Dealing with the anger
42
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 1:59pm

I am just so, so angry with my ex and really having a hard time dealing with the anger. It just infuriates me so that he could just stop talking to me without any sort of a breakup or anything after a year and a half. It is especially gauling because he is the type of person who claims that once he lets people into his life, they are there for good, that we would always be friends even if we weren't together as a couple, blah, blah, blah. But he doesn't even have the courtesy or decency to make a phone call or write an email to tell me it's over...he just disappears. That cruel behavior is so foreign to me that I just can't get my mind around how someone could do that...let alone someone I loved.

I don't know how to deal with the anger. It is a constant presence and it is SO uncomfortable. I know it's one of the stages of grief and that the only way out is through...but it's such a HUGE part of this particular breakup because of the incredibly disrespectful way he ended it.

I feel like I have been negated as a person. And there's nothing I can do...I can't force him to have a breakup talk with me, unless I fly to Houston from Seattle and track him down but of course I'm not going to do anything so desperate and dramatic.

I just wish I could fast-forward through this. But I know from experience that I can't...I have to feel it and endure it. Ugh.

Sheri

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 2:32pm
Sheri,
I'm so sorry that you are having to go through it without him actually telling you it is over. It is hard enough to deal with without having to guess what is going on in his head. I recently had my LDM break up with me too- he didn't speak to me for 10 days. He finally did send me an email telling me that the distance was too much. Like you, I am too far away to go and see him face to face (I'm in NY & he's in Louisiana).
The anger phase is a hard one to get through. Have you tried journaling? I found that helps me alot. I've also found that it is ok to lose it sometimes, yell, scream, throw something (like a pillow). It helps you work through the anger.
Remember that you are a wonderful person. Don't let some guy make you think any less of yourself. Hang in there. Remember it is only a stage that you have to work through. You can do it.
Chris
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 2:41pm

Thanks...an email would have been better than nothing, but I'm sure that was still very painful for you. It's not having ANYTHING from him that is so infuriating...not that an email would be a good way to end it, but it would be better than NOTHING. It's been a month now since we talked...and ironically our last conversation was him saying that he realized he'd been doing a poor job of keeping the connection going, he wanted to renew our commitment, come for a visit soon, blah, blah, blah.

My ex was in NOLA, but evacuated to Houston, btw. Small world that yours is also from LA.

I have been journaling and will continue to do so...but I'm getting awfully repetitive ;-)("I'm so angry at him" is a phrase that gets used a lot, LOL). I may have to get a punching bag ;-).

Thanks for the encouragement, I appreciate it. I know this will pass...it just feels so awful to go through.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 3:09pm

Hi Sheri,

I'm very sorry. I wish I'm in Seattle (by the way, I love Seattle) and taking a kickboxing class with you. My previous ex (LD) broke up with me after we were together 2.5 years (1 year living together and 1.5 years LD), because he met someone who was also in different relationship.

I actually flew where he was. I'm so glad to hear you knew that seeing him wouldn't help you. It was a horrible experience. I stayed at his apartment while I was there. I slept in his room and he slept in the living room. While he was gone, I found the girl's underwear, her bathroom things etc. I had many panic attacks…

I'm still going through my current break up storm. I've been seeing therapists. I still cry a lot. Often I really want to scream so I do scream in a car while I'm driving the Hwy. It feels pretty good.

Sheri, you are a wonderful person. Your messages have been so much help for me and others. Scream, cry, punch, and kick, do whatever you feel good.

Aloha,
Tomo

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 3:19pm

Thank you...I really appreciate your message. I know I didn't do anything but treat him well (better than he deserved, obviously) and don't deserve this kind of treatment from him, but it just shows what kind of person he is. I *knew* he had issues, but I just never expected THIS from him, and it makes me feel like an idiot for not seeing what a poor excuse for a human being he is and making all sorts of excuses for his previous bad behavior. I just didn't think he had it in him to be THIS cruel, though. That's part of my anger...being angry at myself for spending that much time with someone who is capable of doing this to me.

Kickboxing...I hadn't thought of that! Good idea, I may have to look into it.

I'm sorry you went through what you did, going to see him. I have to say, I'm tempted...I even have a ticket I have to use before March 3 (for a visit I was supposed to make to NOLA last March that he cancelled) that I thought about using to go see him and forcing him to face me...but I know it would just be humiliating to show up (and what if he refused to talk to me, and I was stuck in Houston???) so I will use it to go see a friend instead or maybe go to Mexico or something for a few days of R&R.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 4:01pm

Hi Sheri,
You know I can understand your anger. I went through a couple of days of not receiving anything and I can't imagine just NEVER hearing a word from him! It's so beyond frustrating and it's not the way one human being should treat another, especially when the 2 peopel cared about each other. You're right, that it just makes you feel negated, like you never existed in his life and disrespected. I know that someone else mentioned journaling--I've been writing and revising a letter that X may never see, but it does help me a tiny bit to write something directly to him and to imagine that maybe one day he'll get it and understand how he made me feel. I too, have fantasies about finding him--not to try to get him to come back to me, but to show him that he couldn't just dismiss me like that. Like you, though, I won't do it. It would be such a waste of my time and energy.

I think that punching something may well be the way to go--argh! I'm here for you.
Hugs, Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 5:07pm

Hey Sheri,
Just remember that anger is a normal part of the process, and that it's ok, just keep on pushing thru it rather than holding onto it.

<< It just infuriates me so that he could just stop talking to me without any sort of a breakup or anything after a year and a half.>>

Infuriating, yes! I can imagine, and actually, I've been there, too. Many moons ago with a guy I was seeing for about 6-months. It was also long-distance. The bottom line is to not focus on the "why" or whatever the reasons might be, because you really may never know, right? The anger is part of trying to figure out the "how" and "why" of it ... it's also part of the grieving process ... the fruition of the grieving process is acceptance, right?

To get to acceptance, we have to put ourselves into a place of accepting "what is" ... and what is, is that, he was too much of a coward to face you, explain to you what's going on him. So, just keep telling yourself "he's a coward, and I deserve better!" ... you don't really want a guy who's too much of a weenie to breakup with you properly anyway, right?

So, take back your personal power, because every minute that you think about him or how he's treated you is a wasted thought ... and it's giving him more power than he deserves at this point (and, I know you know the power and process of changing your thought patterns!) :)

It's also important to remember that we can't have a feeling without first having the thought, right? So, you CAN get rid of the anger and push thru it by changing the thoughts so that you don't have the feelings of anger, right?

<< It is especially gauling because he is the type of person who claims that once he lets people into his life, they are there for good, that we would always be friends even if we weren't together as a couple, blah, blah, blah. >>

So he claims. But, words without actions are futile ... and he's showing that, despite what he claimed to be true about himself, that he is the type of person who can just disappear without explanation.

As Maya Angelou said "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." He's showing you that he's a coward, that he isn't backing up his claims, and that he does have the capacity to let someone into his life and let them go without explanation.

<< I feel like I have been negated as a person.>>

That's the anger talking. You KNOW how worthy you are! :) Another part of the anger is forgiving yourself ... that is, forgiving yourself for whatever negative feelings you're having about not seeing this side of him ... because surely, you're angry with yourself for believing in him, right? But, he hadn't shown you what he was capable of ... so, there's no reason to be angry at yourself for that ... you were simply believing in someone who had not yet let you down.

<< And there's nothing I can do...I can't force him to have a breakup talk with me, unless I fly to Houston from Seattle and track him down but of course I'm not going to do anything so desperate and dramatic.>>

Nope, you know you can't ... nor should you give him the satisfaction of letting him know how much it bothers you. I actually DID track down the guy who disappeared on me ... though, we didn't have a long, drawn-out break up talk ... I gave him a piece of my mind and that was that (though, he did resurface a couple years later). Though, where I'm at in my life now, 10 years later ... I wouldn't dream of doing anything like that now.

Perhaps, SOMEDAY, he'll give you an explanation. Perhaps not, but either way ... someday isn't today ... and all you can do is make the best of today ... what "is" right now ... without letting it consume you ... because we'll never get THIS day back.

(((hugs!!)))

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 5:31pm
Starbuck,
Your reply to Sheri is right on. A lot of it applies to me too and I just wanted to say thanks. It's all stuff that I know in my head, it's just hard to apply. It helps to have someone else saying it.
Love, Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 8:58pm
Oh my god, we went through the same thing. This guy i've been seeing for 2yrs suddenly stopped contacting me and leave me hanging then last week I called his phone and a girl returned my call and was being so mean. I was furious, it was very disrespectful and most of all it hurts a lot. First, I want him back but thinking about what he did, I was angry and thinking why can't he be a man and tell it to my face that its over, i'm not a baby, I can handle it and it would probably helped a lot to move on and you're not trying to figure out what's going on. I went to the gym and put all my frustrations on the elliptical trainer. I went out and talked to my friends a lot. Now, i'm like if he doesn't want me then I don't want him either, who does he think he is, there's a lot of guys out there that would treat me right and absolutely worth my time and emotions. He doesn't know what he's giving up and when he realize it, if he ever did, I won't be standing there waiting. Hope you feel a lot better soon. Just release all your anger in a very productive way and not waste your time getting angry on someone who's not even worth it. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 9:31pm

Sheri,

I can't imagine how angry you really must be - he really took the cowardly way out.

The only thing that helped me get through the anger phase with an ex was running. I literally ran until I was almost too tired to be angry. And when I felt the anger coming back, I ran some more. It was just a method I used of getting that angry energy out. Eventually, you want to replace the angry energy with positive energy, but as you know, that takes some time.

Hang in there, and know that as you have been there for so many of us - we are here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Sun, 12-11-2005 - 11:23pm
Hi
i can totally relate to what you are feeling since the exact same thing just happened to me. he just didnt even break up with me, he wasnt man enough to even do that. and it just leaves you so confused. my ex had been goign through some health issues so in my mind i was thinking that probably something happened to him and thats why i hadnt heard from him, but i learned otherwise tonight when i ran in to him at the mall and saw that well he looked very healthy. he just chose not to call me or talk to me or do anything. he also told me that he planned to be there for me no matter what and that he would never walk out on me but thats just what he did. and i am also left with the feeling of why will someone do that to you why? i guess we will never have the answer to that.

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