Obsessed with where and who he's with
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Obsessed with where and who he's with
| Sun, 12-11-2005 - 7:38pm |
Hey everyone,
I'm new to this site, but have found your posts helpful this weekend. I recently split with my live in bf. We were together for just over 2 years. The first year was wonderful, 2nd year was dealing with a lot of his commitment issues. He did things to sabotage the relationship, but I tried to be understanding and help him through his issues. Overall we had a loving relationship to the end. He has been married 2x already and is terrified about making another mistake. We agreed to separate at the end of our lease and he said he wanted some time to live alone because he has had a wife or roommate all of his adult life. He once told me he has 2 fears with our relationship. One is that he wakes up 5 years from now and we are together but miserable. The other is that he wakes up 5 years from now and we are not together and he realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life. We separated in October, but continued to see each other until about two weeks ago. Several times I have tried to tell him I can't see him anymore, but I always cave. The last time I saw him was on Thanksgiving, we were having a really nice day together(neither of us have family nearby)then he told me that he was dating someone but that it wasn't serious. He said he is not looking to be serious with anyone right now. I told him I appreciated his honesty and then I calmly told him that I couldn't continue to have anything to do with him because this was just too much for me to handle. I asked him to be honest with me and tell me if he knew that even when he was ready to commit it would never be to me. He told me he couldn't tell me that because that is part of his confusion, he's not sure if it's our relationship or just his fear. He went on to tell me that he doesn't want to lose me from his life. He said this woman is about 10 years younger than him and wants to have children one day, and because he has had a vasectomy that is not even an option for him. He seemed to think that because this relationship he is in can't lead to a future together I should not feel so threatened. He also said that he had not been intimate with her at this point. We have been intimate frequently since separating. I left that night after we both cried together, he asked if he could still call or email me because he didn't know what to do. I made the mistake of telling him yes, and we have talked several times since then. Sometimes the conversations are casual but other times I end up asking questions I shouldn't about his personal life. We were supposed to even see each other but we each canceled on two separate occasions. He was supposed to bring me some of our Xmas decorations this weekend but then he never even called. He keeps saying the old I don't want to lose your friendship thing, which to me means he wants to keep me dangling just in case nothing better comes along.
He told me he met her through some volunteer work that he does. He has not told me her name, but through a mutual friend I know who she is. I even met her at an event we went to right before we split. They were not seeing each other at that point. I have now become obsessed with when he is seeing her. I go to the web site for the volunteer organization that they met through and see what events they have coming up. Tonight is the Holiday Party about 2 miles down the road from me and all I can think about is them being there as a couple. When I talked to him about her at Thanksgiving he told me she didn't want people in the organization to know they were dating(not sure why). I don't know if this is still the case, but I know they went together to a house party with this group the day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry to for such a long and confusing post, but just getting this off my chest is helping.
Leslie
I'm new to this site, but have found your posts helpful this weekend. I recently split with my live in bf. We were together for just over 2 years. The first year was wonderful, 2nd year was dealing with a lot of his commitment issues. He did things to sabotage the relationship, but I tried to be understanding and help him through his issues. Overall we had a loving relationship to the end. He has been married 2x already and is terrified about making another mistake. We agreed to separate at the end of our lease and he said he wanted some time to live alone because he has had a wife or roommate all of his adult life. He once told me he has 2 fears with our relationship. One is that he wakes up 5 years from now and we are together but miserable. The other is that he wakes up 5 years from now and we are not together and he realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life. We separated in October, but continued to see each other until about two weeks ago. Several times I have tried to tell him I can't see him anymore, but I always cave. The last time I saw him was on Thanksgiving, we were having a really nice day together(neither of us have family nearby)then he told me that he was dating someone but that it wasn't serious. He said he is not looking to be serious with anyone right now. I told him I appreciated his honesty and then I calmly told him that I couldn't continue to have anything to do with him because this was just too much for me to handle. I asked him to be honest with me and tell me if he knew that even when he was ready to commit it would never be to me. He told me he couldn't tell me that because that is part of his confusion, he's not sure if it's our relationship or just his fear. He went on to tell me that he doesn't want to lose me from his life. He said this woman is about 10 years younger than him and wants to have children one day, and because he has had a vasectomy that is not even an option for him. He seemed to think that because this relationship he is in can't lead to a future together I should not feel so threatened. He also said that he had not been intimate with her at this point. We have been intimate frequently since separating. I left that night after we both cried together, he asked if he could still call or email me because he didn't know what to do. I made the mistake of telling him yes, and we have talked several times since then. Sometimes the conversations are casual but other times I end up asking questions I shouldn't about his personal life. We were supposed to even see each other but we each canceled on two separate occasions. He was supposed to bring me some of our Xmas decorations this weekend but then he never even called. He keeps saying the old I don't want to lose your friendship thing, which to me means he wants to keep me dangling just in case nothing better comes along.
He told me he met her through some volunteer work that he does. He has not told me her name, but through a mutual friend I know who she is. I even met her at an event we went to right before we split. They were not seeing each other at that point. I have now become obsessed with when he is seeing her. I go to the web site for the volunteer organization that they met through and see what events they have coming up. Tonight is the Holiday Party about 2 miles down the road from me and all I can think about is them being there as a couple. When I talked to him about her at Thanksgiving he told me she didn't want people in the organization to know they were dating(not sure why). I don't know if this is still the case, but I know they went together to a house party with this group the day after Thanksgiving.
Sorry to for such a long and confusing post, but just getting this off my chest is helping.
Leslie

Just wanted to tell you that your feelings of wanting to know where he is and who he's with are very normal. I'm sorry that you're feeling such pain. Think about this--knowing this information won't change the situation. It will only make you feel even worse. It sounds like no contact is the best option for you at this point. You're probably right on track when you say that he may just want to keep you dangling in case nothing else works out. The more that you have contact, even amicable contact, the harder it will be for you to move on with your life. I'm not saying that it wouldn't be nice to be able to be cordial at some point in the future, but right now you have to take care of yourself. Since the party where you think they are is close to you, you're probably tempted to go there and "spy", but don't! You'll only end up feeling terrible. I wish that I could say something to make you feel better, but just know that you're not alone!
Hugs, Laura
Thanks for you support Laura,
Fortunately for me the party is located in a location where he would have to park in a parking garage and I would have to drive around looking for his car. My luck one of his friends would see me. I also know it would just make me feel worse if I did see his car.
I'm hoping to be strong enough to not take the call that I know will be coming tomorrow. He also tends to email me at work, which is always nice and upsetting. I don't know if I can block those emails as we work for the same company, luckily not in the same building.
He is the kind of guy that if I tell him NC, he will listen. I just have to get strong enough to make that request. I have been going to counseling and my counselor actually said not to expect to be able to go cold turkey after a long relationship. She feels eventually I'll get tired of listening to his same old song and dance and just stop initiating contact. Here's hoping.
Leslie
I'm glad that you're talking to a counselor. You're right, going cold turkey would be very hard and eventually you will probably come to the conclusion that you don't want to talk to him and the contact will fade. I guess the thing to do right now is to try not to initiate contact and if you can avoid contact from him, do so. If he emails you, don't read it right away--easier said than done, I'm sure. If you're strong enough, delete it! That would take a lot of will. I hope that you'll be able to get some rest this evening--relax and do something nice for yourself.
Hugs, Laura
Hi, Leslie-
This is Donna, the one who went to her x's house tonight. I am not one to talk about NC, but I do believe it has to be this way to heal and move ahead. I have tried it the other way, talking here and there. It makes me miss him more and want more. As much as you think you want to know what they are doing, you don't. What if you reconcile? Do you want that baggage?
I wish you the best, and that you will find peace. I know that this is such a hard time for you. You will be in my thoughts...Love, Donna