unstable...broke the NC rule

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
unstable...broke the NC rule
5
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 2:29pm

Yes, I did broke the NC rule.

I wasn't sure whether I could seek support here or depression support message board, but I decided here…
The last two weeks, especially the last few days I've been emotionally very unstable. My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me about 1.5 months ago. Since then all my life plan has to be changed. I really thought we were going to get married before my current visa expired (I am a foreign national). I was getting along with his family member very well, and while we were together, we went back to my country to see my family. So I didn't look into job opportunities in the mainland (I live in Hawaii). Now, I've been looking for job opportunities that give me work visa so I can stay in this country. I have one interview next week so I'm flying to the mainland. But I'm so scared and stressed out by looking at my uncertain future. Plus, I've been missing my ex so much especially after failing to go back into dating scene.

I just needed to see him because he supposed to know me well…and I did called him...and he answered (I was a bit surprised). I told him that I needed to see him and he seemed fine to face me now.

I feel I am a loser...can't take care of myself. I'm so ashamed myself to seek support to someone who broke my heart and hurt me so much, but still believing that he might give me a comfort. I know I'm stupid...blame me…

Aloha,
Tomo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 2:55pm

Aloha Tomo!


First off, this is a great place for you to come and share your feeling and get support from many others going through all the same emotions- so welcome!

-----------------------------------

"You get what you settle for"...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 3:00pm

Ok, you need to stop with the beating yourself up, ok??? It's human to make mistakes...and it's the catch 22 of a breakup that the person you want to seek comfort from is the person who caused the need for comfort in the first place, so you can't really get it from him but that doesn't necessarily stop you from seeking it.

What you need to do is find alternatives to contacting him for comfort and support. Do you have other friends where you are? Have you considered counseling? Needing comfort and support is nothing to be ashamed of...you just need to find it elsewhere, because you won't really get what you need from your ex...it'll just be a poor substitute.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 4:15pm

All I can say is 1. Know your worth. Regardless if you're here or you have to go back to your homeland. A man should never determine your worth, happiness or confidence. Because at the end of the day they do what works best for them. The more you cling on and appear to be needy the further he will run. Now it seems as though you need closure. Why did he break up with is it something that can be worked out? Trust me I know how you feel I've been in a simular situation and what I learned is set your boundaries know what makes you happy as a individual no matter who is in your life. Pull out that cute outfit and go out with other people. Occupy your time while he figures out what he wants. If its meant to be it will if not you'll have others to choose from. Lastly, It seems you depend on him for more than emotional comfort- That's your bad. Take care of you! always have a backup plan- Never neglect your dreams-(Not find a job bcz u thought u wld get married) Please
dont ever put you future in someone elses hands.

Stand up - Know You, Love You, Be confident in you! (If you dont no one else will)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 4:42pm

Hi Sheri,

You're right I'm beating up myself... I have gal friends who know my ex and have given me big support like this message board community. I've seen the counselor a few times and my next appointment is this Thursday (I haven't seen the counselor for a month).

I'll go back home to see my family for the Christmas and the New Year. I'll be a good comfort for me.

thank you Sheri.

Aloha,
Tomo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 5:09pm

Thank you so much for your message. When I read your message, it reminded me the book I read "The 10 women you'll be before you're 35" by Alison James. One of women was called a "chameleon" type. You changed yourself as your boyfriend wanted you to be. When I read this, I just had to laugh because it was exactly me.

From this past relationship, I learned that I needed to know what I wanted to be and what I really wanted for my future. I didn't have any back up plan so now I'm panicked. I'm trying to be stronger and bulid my confidence back...trying.

thanks again.

Aloha,
Tomo