ex called after no contact
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| Mon, 12-12-2005 - 6:18pm |
I am so upset. My ex (who I have been hanging out as a friend for about a year) called me over the weekend after three weeks of no contact. He called to ask if I wanted to go see a movie. He didn't even ask to see how I was doing or what I have been up to after three weeks of no contact. I am finally realizing that he's not even a friend. I am just someone to hang out with whenver it's convenient for him. So I finally told him that I didn't feel comfortable hanging out with him anymore right now and all he said was O.K. and he understood. He didn't even ask why. He didn't even seem concerned. He seemed so emotionless. This was the shortest serious conversation I have ever had with anyone. It was something like 5 minutes.
I feel like I have just been dismissed. I feel like he didn't even care if I remained a part of his life. Now that he has a new job, new apartment, and a new girl I am so easily disposable. I was just someone to fill up space in his life. I can't believe what had just happened. I am so angry that I have given him the benefit of the doubt all this time. I am so angry that I have been so blind and not see through his real character all this time. I am so angry at always believing the best in him. I have so much to say to him and I will never get the chance to say it.
Edited 12/12/2005 6:23 pm ET by jens128
Edited 12/12/2005 6:42 pm ET by jens128

"I have so much to say to him and I will never get the chance to say it."
Yes, exactly! Even if you did get to say it, he'd probably act like he doesn't care or like you're crazy or over-emotional. I know exactly how you feel...
::hugs::
I tried being "friends" with my ex for over a year as well. If you've read any of my other posts, then you probably know that I finally got fed up and ended contact with him for good about three weeks ago. This was due to numerous reasons; he's unhealthy for me, unavailable (he's engaged!), and perhaps most importantly...I can't be just "friends" with him. Our supposed "friendship" was confusing me and causing me more pain in the end. It just took me awhile to accept that.
When I told him that I didn't think we should talk anymore, he seemed a little surprised and tried to give me reasons why he thought we should stay in touch. But none of his reasons were any good; I just told him that I didn't see the point in continuing our friendship. He eventually said, "well, I'm not going to argue with you," and told me he hoped everything went well for me in life. And that was it...after a long, *real* friendship, our relationship, and then another year of "friendship," that was the end.
Don't get me wrong; I wasn't expecting my ex to fight to keep me in his life. After all, what purpose would I serve? He told me that he enjoys talking to me and misses me sometimes (whatever that means), but when it comes down to it, he just doesn't need me as a friend. It was my choice to finally end contact, and it felt good to take control of the situation. But it still hurt knowing my ex was able to just give up so easily. A part of me wonders if he had ever truly cared at all. He told me once that he thought we would always know each other...but that obviously isn't going to be the case. Like you, I felt very easily dismissed from his life; rejected in a way. To me, it seemed like I had meant nothing and had only served as a type of ego boost to him...someone he turned to when things were bad with his fiance, or when he was drunk/lonely/bored, etc. We were "friends" when it was convenient for HIM.
But what should I have expected? He's with someone else, he lives in another state, and things have been pretty rough between us for a long time now. If I was willing to give up his friendship, then why wouldn't he be the same way? After all, it's not as though I really gave him a choice...he did try to fight me on it a little bit. But I had already made up my mind and decided that cutting off contact with him is for the best. I couldn't handle the drama my ex brought into my life; the confusion I always felt after talking to him. If he *had* tried hard to persuade me into staying friends, I can honestly say that I wouldn't have agreed. I have reached the point where our "friendship" isn't enough; I know it's not good for me, and it's not what I want anymore.
I deserved more than what my ex was able to give me...and you do too. I understand that you're angry and that you feel like you didn't get to say all you wanted to. But honestly, what difference would it make? What exactly do you want to say to him? It wouldn't change the outcome of the situation, and it could potentially make you feel even worse. What if you told him everything you have to say and he still showed no emotion? Believe me...I know how hard it is to let go of someone, but people come and go all the time. It's a natural part of life; everyone has to say goodbye to somebody important at some point. It doesn't mean they never meant anything to you...it's just the way life works. Despite all the negative things that happened between us, I know I loved my ex and I believe he cared about me in his own way. But that doesn't mean we should be together, and that doesn't mean we should be friends.
Losing a friend is hard, especially when they've also served some other function in your life (like an ex-boyfriend). But there isn't much you can do about it. You've tried being his "friend" and that didn't work out for you. It's great that you realize this and are taking the proper steps to healing yourself. I'm sure you're feeling dismissed/rejected, etc...and I don't blame you, but you need to remember something very important. You are a great person with lots to offer. Nobody else determines what you are worth...it is YOU who does this. You can choose to love yourself and realize that even if one person doesn't care enough to have you in their life, that doesn't make you any less valuable. Take a good look at yourself...how many other amazing people are a part of your world? I'm willing to bet that you have a lot of great friends, family, etc...would they associate with somebody who didn't deserve it? Probably not! I know this is *a lot* easier said than done, but try not to worry about what your ex thinks or does. Yeah, it's disappointing to find out that he wasn't who you thought he was...it's sad to discover that it was so easy for him to lose you. But it's HIS loss...
** Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim, accept no one's definition of your life. Define yourself. **
"The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs."
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
"You can try your hardest, you can do & say everything...but sometimes people just aren't worth trying over anymore; they aren't worth worrying about. It's important to know when to let go of someone who only brings you down."