i did something i regret......

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
i did something i regret......
16
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 11:34pm

So i have been posting for a while here about how i sort of broke off with my boyfriend, more like he stopped calling but i had wanted to break up with him before. the reason of the "break up" was becasue i had the feeling that he was cheating on me and he always lied to me and stood me up all the time and i just couldnt take it anymore. But since he just stopped calling, i felt that i needed to get some answer and have some closure and boy did i get it. about 2 months ago i had found a receipt for an ipod that my ex had bought with my money for his ex-girlfriend according to him they are still friends. Well i was pretty sure that he was cheating on me with her, due to the fact that at first he wouldnt tell me who she was and she was always calling him. So in my mind i figured that if i was to get answers it will be from her, so i decided to write her an email (a really nice respectful email) and just sort of tell her who i was and how i was very confuse and how i wasnt sure if they were together or not, etc.....and i asked her to please let me know if it will be ok for me to talk to her, but just to keep it between until we knew really what was going on. Well she got it and she didnt keep it to her self. the first thing she did was get in the phone with him and told him all about it. of course this got him super mad and now he hates me and told me to stay out of his life. i tried to explain to him that i didnt mean to hurt him in anyway but that i was confused and i had tried to talk to him before and he would just lie about everything. and i tried to explain why i did it that i did do it to be mean. of course he didnt understand. and now i regret doing this. i have never hurt anyone in my life, i didnt mean for it to be like this, i was just hurt and confused. i mean i know that there is no future for us even before this but i didnt want him to hate me either. so anyways after our argument over the phone he hung up and then about 30 minutes later he text message me saying "thank you so much i have received 6 calls about this and lost 2 friends" (i dont get it) so asked him that if he wanted me to stay out of his life then to please stay out of mine. he wrote back and said you are right bye. and that was it. i feel so bad though.

anyways any feed back will be appreciated.

thank you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 11:58pm

Oh boy, I'm really sorry. Sounds like a lot of raw emotions over there on your side and his. You're right, you did something against your better judgment, but you did it because you were desperate for answers. This related to my post about why we feel the need for answers when we know we'll probably never get them and no answer will be satisfactory. But that need is so strong that you'll take all kinds of measures (including contacting the ex, in your case) to get them.

Don't feel bad about what you did. The way he reacted was hurtful to you and he obviously does not understand why you did what you did. Does it matter anyway? Look what he said! There's no compassion, no attempt to understand, just a lot of hurtfulness and spitefulness. I personally don't think what you did was the smartest thing, though I certainly understand the feelings that drove you to it. That said, I strongly believe that the way he responded shows only spite and immaturity--this is the ex you were spending so much time wringing your hands over. These are his true colors and it's not likely he'll change anytime soon.

I really believe this might have been a necessary place for you to have gone to in order to accept that your relationship is over. I'm sorry that it had to end on such a hurtful note, but it's a pretty clear note, wouldn't you say?

Again, sorry for the pain you're in. I'm going through a lot myself over here. We must be strong and believe in ourselves and the future. Moving forward is the right thing, no matter how hard it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 12:22am

hi santabarbarachick,

thank you so much for your response. like i said i know that it wasnt the smartes thing to do and i just let myself be guided by my emotions. and i also know that he is not someone that is not worthy of me or of my love. He said very hurtful things to me over the phone about how i was worth nothing, and how he owed me nothing and shouldnt expect anything from him and well...many other things that i would rather not think about. And all i could say was how sorry i was.....and the funny thing is that during the whole argument it was just about how he felt, what he wanted, how i ruined his life, and not once did he really care about how i was feeling.......but you know at least now i feel that i can move on. eventhough doing this is something i will regret for the rest of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 12:43am
That is so weird, because in my breakup phone conversation, the same thing happened--it was all about him and not a thing about the pain I might be in. I think that was the final straw for me, because at the beginning of the conversation, I was actually still trying to hold onto him, but through the course of the talk when he didn't show the least bit of sensitivity to my feelings, I realized he can't see beyond himself and he must really not care about me. So as painful as that realization was, it was necessary for me to get the resolve to move on with my life. It's hard because I still think about him and I compare him to new men I meet, and then I beat myself up all over again. It's all part of the process though (I'm told). Sometimes a guy showing his nasty and selfish side is a gift--at least you'll no longer labor under the illusion that he's a good guy. And how could you return to him having seen that side of him? Just know that you deserve better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 12:01pm

Hi carran111,


This is just my two cents, but

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 12:41pm

Hi Nikki,

Thank you so much for your nice response. I have definitely learned my lesson. I guess the only reason i contacted her was because i was sure that he was with both of us at the same time (i still think so, there was just too many signals pointing at it) i mean god he asked to borrow some money and then he went and bough her an Ipod, how sad is that? I know that part of the reason why i did it was becasue i didnt get answers and sometimes is best not to try to get them, becasue even after all this, i still dont have them. Except i made him hate him, and i guess that will help me in the long run, cause i wont have the hope anymore that he will come back.....right? thank you so much for your support and also thank you to santabarbarachick.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 8:02pm
Oh my god!!! Just to give you gusy an update today i singned in to my yahoo account were i send her the email from and i found out that someone had logged in as me and that person put her personal and work email as a blocked. so that i couldnt receive any emails from her. now i only knew her personal email, not her work email becasue well i didnt know where she worked. and the only person that had my password was him. so i know that he was the one that went in to my account and blocked her. so now here i am wondering if she tried to email me or what. i dont know what to do. i guess it does mean that he did have something to hide from me. i wish i had given her my phone number......now i dont feel bad anymore. i cant believe he did that.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 8:07pm

Wow!!! That's terrible. I hope you changed your password right away!

That, IMO, is the only thing you should do (other than blocking HIM from emailing you if you haven't already)...continuing contact with either of them is just going to keep you stuck.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 8:24pm
Don't you love the way some guys can betray you and then when they get caught they try to turn the tables and get mad at you for figuring it out. They like to think we are stupid.
Got news for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 1:02am

Well today when i came home i found out that she had been trying to call. i have this cell phone that my ex had let me borrow from his work, but for some reason or another i never gave back and is still active. well today i checked it and she tried to call me, her number came up as a missed call. i wonder how she got it. if she in true is just a friend how did she get access to this number that no one had unless she looked at his phone statement. i was going to call her, but i figure that it will be best for me to wait and see what happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 12:38pm
Nikki

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