Did something I shouldn't have
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| Tue, 12-13-2005 - 7:33pm |
Can't believe I did this but last night when I couldn't sleep I decided to see if I could still access ex bf's email. He told me a while ago that he hardly ever uses his home email anymore, does everything from work. Unfortunately he hadn't changed his password and I was able to read something I wish I had never seen. There was an email from the girl he said he was dating but it was nothing serious. She had sent him a very emotional and loving poem that she had written for him. In it she talks about love and wanting to be able to gaze into his eyes forever. This from the woman he told me he couldn't get serious with because she is 10 years younger and wants children and he can't have any since he had a vasectomy. She sent it to him at work and then he forwarded it to his home email. Now I wonder if he forwarded it for his benefit or if he did it thinking I might see it. About a year ago I read some emails from a female former co-worker that he had an emotional affair with. That was actually the time that was sort of the beginning of the end for us. We worked through it, but both had some residual bitterness. Me for the emotional betrayal and him for the invasion of his privacy. After we worked through the issue, I actually asked him to change his password, but he refused stating he needed to be able to trust me.
Now I wish I never looked and can't believe I stooped this low. Guess I got what I deserve though. I barely slept after reading it and now can't stop wondering how they went from not serious to her writing him love poems. Also know he is a sucker for those kind of romantic things.
I'm not proud of what I did, but still afraid I might do it again. I even thought I should email him to change his password so I can't be tempted to do it again, but am afraid he would be so angry he might forward all of their emails just to torture me.
Any advice?
Leslie

Ok...what's done is done, but would you really want to read MORE of that type of email??? Why would you continue to subject yourself to it, even if you can?
I know it's hard, and much, much easier said than done to stop yourself from doing it...but for your own sake, you just need to stop doing it, in the same way that you stop yourself from calling him or emailing him or whatever. Take it one day at a time...I find with things like no contact, it's easier to make a commitment to not doing it TODAY (and even backing that up by making a commitment to a friend)...or maybe a week, or two weeks...whatever you can comfortably commit to. Then renew the commitment for another day (or whatever). Put notes on your computer saying NO! if need be.
Sheri
Thanks your right that they will probably end the same way we did. He has definite commitment issues. Actually think that is one of the draws to her, the idea that they want different things and will eventually have to go their separate ways. The perfect go nowhere relationship for a commitmentphobe.
Sheri I appreciate the advice I will probably try putting the note on the computer, I did it recently to not make or take phone calls and it got me through a rough weekend.
Leslie
You know, I think that everyone on this board is in search of answers of one kind or another. Just try to remember how you felt when you read the email and ask yourself if you want to feel that way again. When we do things like this, I think we're hoping to find that he has secretly written a love letter to US or something equally implausible. But I don't think it ever turns out that way. Try to be strong and put yourself first. Don't waste time wondering and worrying about what he is doing or has done.
Laura
When he got to my apartment he began to cry before I even said a word. Then he said he had to say something to me and he proceeded to remind me that he had lied and betrayed me(emotionally but not physically) and that I should not gloss over the bad times by only focusing on the good. Now he's my counselor! Anyway I assured him that I had my moments when I was very in touch with my anger. Also told him I honestly believed the lies and betrayal were caused by his fear of commitment and were his attempt to sabotage the relationship because he feared moving forward. I think maybe I have read one to many self help books. He agreed that it wasn't about me, but said he realized if he could do that to me, he needed time to figure out what his problem is. I told him dating other people without working on his issues isn't exactly going to help him figure anything out. He went to a counselor 2x and said he was not comfortable talking with her. Also said he knows he can't expect me to wait around for him to get his head together, when he can't promise me anything.
I think I better schedule another appointment with my counselor because I am obviously not moving on.
Take this last connection and since it was reasonable amicable, end it...because if you go back and forth on and on...it just gets bad..truly. If you want to salvage any dignity and peace, end it..
Come here, see your therapist, have a no contact buddy but move on..and on...