Did something I shouldn't have

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2005
Did something I shouldn't have
7
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 7:33pm

Can't believe I did this but last night when I couldn't sleep I decided to see if I could still access ex bf's email. He told me a while ago that he hardly ever uses his home email anymore, does everything from work. Unfortunately he hadn't changed his password and I was able to read something I wish I had never seen. There was an email from the girl he said he was dating but it was nothing serious. She had sent him a very emotional and loving poem that she had written for him. In it she talks about love and wanting to be able to gaze into his eyes forever. This from the woman he told me he couldn't get serious with because she is 10 years younger and wants children and he can't have any since he had a vasectomy. She sent it to him at work and then he forwarded it to his home email. Now I wonder if he forwarded it for his benefit or if he did it thinking I might see it. About a year ago I read some emails from a female former co-worker that he had an emotional affair with. That was actually the time that was sort of the beginning of the end for us. We worked through it, but both had some residual bitterness. Me for the emotional betrayal and him for the invasion of his privacy. After we worked through the issue, I actually asked him to change his password, but he refused stating he needed to be able to trust me.
Now I wish I never looked and can't believe I stooped this low. Guess I got what I deserve though. I barely slept after reading it and now can't stop wondering how they went from not serious to her writing him love poems. Also know he is a sucker for those kind of romantic things.
I'm not proud of what I did, but still afraid I might do it again. I even thought I should email him to change his password so I can't be tempted to do it again, but am afraid he would be so angry he might forward all of their emails just to torture me.
Any advice?

Leslie

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 7:42pm

Ok...what's done is done, but would you really want to read MORE of that type of email??? Why would you continue to subject yourself to it, even if you can?

I know it's hard, and much, much easier said than done to stop yourself from doing it...but for your own sake, you just need to stop doing it, in the same way that you stop yourself from calling him or emailing him or whatever. Take it one day at a time...I find with things like no contact, it's easier to make a commitment to not doing it TODAY (and even backing that up by making a commitment to a friend)...or maybe a week, or two weeks...whatever you can comfortably commit to. Then renew the commitment for another day (or whatever). Put notes on your computer saying NO! if need be.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 7:59pm
i'm with Sheri. What's done is done, but you've got to renew your commitment or make one to not peak into his email again. What good is it going to do? You're only torturing yourself. Ignorance is bliss! You have to try and move on from him. He is obviously not the one. Don't waist your precious time and emotional energy on the wrong guy. Take it day by day. You'll be OK. Plus they will probably end up having the same relationship issues you guys had together. I mean he is still the same guy, whether he's with you or another girl. You deserve much better!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2005
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 8:21pm

Thanks your right that they will probably end the same way we did. He has definite commitment issues. Actually think that is one of the draws to her, the idea that they want different things and will eventually have to go their separate ways. The perfect go nowhere relationship for a commitmentphobe.
Sheri I appreciate the advice I will probably try putting the note on the computer, I did it recently to not make or take phone calls and it got me through a rough weekend.

Leslie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Tue, 12-13-2005 - 8:37pm
Hi Leslie,
You know, I think that everyone on this board is in search of answers of one kind or another. Just try to remember how you felt when you read the email and ask yourself if you want to feel that way again. When we do things like this, I think we're hoping to find that he has secretly written a love letter to US or something equally implausible. But I don't think it ever turns out that way. Try to be strong and put yourself first. Don't waste time wondering and worrying about what he is doing or has done.
Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 5:19pm
I agree with the everyone. Reading his email is not good for your mind. The human mind is very powerful and you don't need to cloud your mind with anymore things that will slow your healing process. You can't find answers by reading his emails. It doesn't tell you the whole story. You can only find answers by talking to him and that is something you should avoid now because you are moving on. Reading his emails will still keep you connected to him. It will keep you stuck and prolong the pain you are feeling. You have to stop this and disconnect so that you can heal properly. No contact means disconnecting. You have to take care of yourself and not waste your energy worrying about what he is doing or thinking. Keep the energy focused on you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2005
Wed, 12-14-2005 - 6:47pm
Thank you all for your support, but now today I have broken the no contact rule. He was dropping some of my things off at my new apartment today, and originally I told him to just leave them on my porch because I didn't want to see him. Unfortunately about an hour before he was due to arrive, I called him and told him I would like to see him just for a few minutes. When I talked to him on the phone I found myself grilling him about the new relationship and his feelings for her. He told me he isn't in love and is truly with someone that he knows he can't have a future with because that is all he can handle right now. He told me he still feels an empty void inside and isn't ready to have anything more than a casual relationship. Of course he also admitted to spending 3-4 nights a week doing things with her and the volunteer organization they belong to. Not exactly casual to me.
When he got to my apartment he began to cry before I even said a word. Then he said he had to say something to me and he proceeded to remind me that he had lied and betrayed me(emotionally but not physically) and that I should not gloss over the bad times by only focusing on the good. Now he's my counselor! Anyway I assured him that I had my moments when I was very in touch with my anger. Also told him I honestly believed the lies and betrayal were caused by his fear of commitment and were his attempt to sabotage the relationship because he feared moving forward. I think maybe I have read one to many self help books. He agreed that it wasn't about me, but said he realized if he could do that to me, he needed time to figure out what his problem is. I told him dating other people without working on his issues isn't exactly going to help him figure anything out. He went to a counselor 2x and said he was not comfortable talking with her. Also said he knows he can't expect me to wait around for him to get his head together, when he can't promise me anything.
I think I better schedule another appointment with my counselor because I am obviously not moving on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-15-2005 - 10:32am

Take this last connection and since it was reasonable amicable, end it...because if you go back and forth on and on...it just gets bad..truly. If you want to salvage any dignity and peace, end it..

Come here, see your therapist, have a no contact buddy but move on..and on...