in need of encouragement- sorry so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
in need of encouragement- sorry so long.
4
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 4:06pm

Hi Everyone...

I've been dating a guy for about a year. Since we work together, it's always been kind of on the down low but over time everybody knew anyways and we sort of came out of the shadows. Our relationship was not without its minor spats but on the whole I'd say we were really happy. We loved spending time together, had a lot of fun, but also shared intimately.

I found out about 2 weeks ago he cheated on me. From the details I've gathered, he drank too much, it was a one-night stand and he confessed immediately. He came to me crying and told me to take as much time as i need to figure out if I could ever be with him but that he knew he had made a HUGE mistake and that he had no doubts he wanted to be with me if I would have him. I was in contact with his best friend who was completely on my side and told me that my guy was out of line, that he had never seen him cry, and that he didn't doubt his sincerity.

I talked about it with my guy... never really yelled but expressed my frustration, anger, and disappointment. I told him all the things I thought would have to happen for us to have a fighting chance including, of course, that he tell the girl exactly what happened and that after that he'd never contact her again. He agreed and we started talking to each other again...

Last night he came over to watch a video and we fell asleep in front of the tv. I woke up in the middle of the night and snooped through his cell phone (so bad I know, I just wanted to be sure, I regret it now) and saw that he has been talking to the girl and that over the week she sent him a couple of messages. A few hours later I asked him about it and he got really angry that I looked through his phone but offered no explanations about his lying. He stormed out of my apartment and I haven't talked to him since. (granted that was just a few hours ago)

Now I'm sitting here and I feel unable to function. I think that it's time to kick him to the curb but that doesn't really make me feel any better... or make the pain go away. Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2005
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 5:04pm

Hey there,
I understand what you are going through. Have been there and done that. We all know that what you did was not the best thing, but he gave you good reason to doubt. From my experience it is very typical for the guy to respond with anger at you for snooping and when he is the one that has lied and betrayed you. Chances are he will calm down and want to talk to you about this, but think long and hard about where this is headed.

Hang in there

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 5:07pm

Wow, what is happening to you happened to me three years ago. You need to get away from him NOW seriously, break this completely off. Change your phone number ASAP, take him off aim, tell your neighbors not to let him near you - pretty much everything possible for him not to contact you.

He has a problem and sadly, he doesn't care for no one - obviously not even himself, and he'll do anything to get attention from you as he longs for someone to care for him. It hurts really bad, but please please spare yourself the pain. I was stupid and kept things in limbo with my ex, until one day i realized how unhappy i felt all the time, I felt cheap and used - don't allow yourself to feel that way. It hurts when you realize the relationship has been a lie, but the sooner you realize and accept how wrong this person has done you, the faster you can move on.

Sadly, my ex still tries to contact me, I blocked him off my email, changed my phone, its freaky, he still thinks he can contact me for attention/booty call - i just hope this guy doesn't do the same to you. Take care of yourself and be strong.

Mar

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 6:19pm

I'm sorry to read this. I've never experienced this type of situation, but have certainly read about similar scenarios on the boards and have helped friends through things like this. First of all, don't let his anger make you feel bad for your action. He violated your trust and he must understand that it takes time to rebuilt. I'm so sensitive about such things that when a man has broken my trust, I never took him back. I was too angry and hurt and didn't think I could ever trust the individual again. Taking him back shows that you are a brave and forgiving person, and that is not foolish, but something admirable in my opinion. However, taking someone back after cheating does not mean you go back to square one. I hope he understood that he had a lot of work to do in order to get your relationship back on a healthy course. It galls me that a man would get mad and turn this into a privacy issue and overlook that fact that it's connected to his betrayal.

You need to think long and hard about what to do. Think about your relationship, what you've built together, what hasn't been good, and whether or not you think it's worth saving. Based on your history, is it likely that things will get better by staying with him? Might you be saving yourself a lot of future grief and heartache by walking away and dealing with the pain of breaking up now? Above all, can you maintain your dignity and self-respect by staying with this man? I hope you make the right decision for yourself. I'm afraid that pain will be unavoidable, but you do have some choice in whether or not you will take ownership of the situation or leave your feelings and future up to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 12-17-2005 - 9:49pm
He confessed, you forgave him, so he continued contact/communication with her and now he's upset that you found him out? Sorry, this would be a dealbreaker all the way and really, think about it, what can he do to make it right? It would take full accountability on his part, no more communication with her and serious counseling and thing short of that would be a waste of time.


Carrie