help my heart hurts
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help my heart hurts
| Sat, 12-17-2005 - 6:37pm |
my boyfriend just broke up with me and i need someone to help me understand.
we have been going out for a year.. this is the second time he has broken up with me... both break up are similar....he says he dosen't have romantic feelings..his heart is stuck and he doesn't know why and there is nothing he could do to fix it he has tried he said he is a coward and he is a bad person and he always hurts the people he loves.. but i am his fav. person on this planet..i am his best friend.. and he knows that last time this happend i left and he doesn't want me to leave....he can't imagine not talking to me everyday..... three weeks ago one of his friends died and he was having a hard time and he was pulling away from me when we hugged or kissed and then a week later he talk to me about it (i never brought it up) and said he was sorry that wasn't how if felt ect....so i asked he why two weeks ago he liked me and now he doesn't??? he said he wasn't lying to me then are now... the reason i am having a hard times is...before the conversaion/breakup started he told me that he had been locking himself in his room and crying himself to sleep...also, he has alot of issues.. he was adopted he suffers from depression, he is taking medication for it. but, i just don't know what to do. i love him more than anything in the world and i don't want to hurt him but i told him there is no way i could be just friends with him. i think me may have problems accepting that people love him...i say that not only because of his history but also, both times he broke up with me he was soooo shocked by my reactions. the first time i didn't cry infront of him i just left and this time i cried and he said "what do you think i mean by being friends?" the tone he used was a confused one.... i just don't know what to do....i know he has very hard times with his depression and i know he doesn't want to loose me as a friend but it breaks my heart to see him and not touch him....but, i also know that he is going to beat himself up over this (loosing touch with me) what do i do?
we have been going out for a year.. this is the second time he has broken up with me... both break up are similar....he says he dosen't have romantic feelings..his heart is stuck and he doesn't know why and there is nothing he could do to fix it he has tried he said he is a coward and he is a bad person and he always hurts the people he loves.. but i am his fav. person on this planet..i am his best friend.. and he knows that last time this happend i left and he doesn't want me to leave....he can't imagine not talking to me everyday..... three weeks ago one of his friends died and he was having a hard time and he was pulling away from me when we hugged or kissed and then a week later he talk to me about it (i never brought it up) and said he was sorry that wasn't how if felt ect....so i asked he why two weeks ago he liked me and now he doesn't??? he said he wasn't lying to me then are now... the reason i am having a hard times is...before the conversaion/breakup started he told me that he had been locking himself in his room and crying himself to sleep...also, he has alot of issues.. he was adopted he suffers from depression, he is taking medication for it. but, i just don't know what to do. i love him more than anything in the world and i don't want to hurt him but i told him there is no way i could be just friends with him. i think me may have problems accepting that people love him...i say that not only because of his history but also, both times he broke up with me he was soooo shocked by my reactions. the first time i didn't cry infront of him i just left and this time i cried and he said "what do you think i mean by being friends?" the tone he used was a confused one.... i just don't know what to do....i know he has very hard times with his depression and i know he doesn't want to loose me as a friend but it breaks my heart to see him and not touch him....but, i also know that he is going to beat himself up over this (loosing touch with me) what do i do?

Is he getting therapy? It sounds like he really needs it. And the position he's putting you in is impossible. He wants to break up with you but can't bear not having you in his life? You can't have it both ways. Perhaps it's his depression and issues, but it's also not a very grown up way to deal with things.
If you are so out of love that you're willing to break another person's heart, then the most loving thing you can do is let him/her go. He won't do this and this is wrong. He sounds like a very weak and fragile person who is putting everything on you--his unhappiness as well as his happiness And you can't be expected to fix him. It's so unfair to put anyone in a position like this.
If he cannot do the right thing, then you can. You can wish him the best, urge him to get help in moving on, but let him know that you cannot be held responsible for his emotional health, especially when he wants to end the relationship. It doesn't mean that you don't care, but that you have your own life to live and move on with. You deserve to be in a loving and healthy relationship and clearly he is not capable of this at this time and possibly not for a long time.
I'm sorry that you've been put in such a difficult position. You never want to hurt someone you care about, even after they've hurt you. But this truly is a no-win situation he's put you in and it seems like you're going to have to be the strong, decisive party in this.