Agreed to meet ex, then canceled

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2005
Agreed to meet ex, then canceled
4
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 8:22pm

Think I finally closed the door, and can begin moving on, but it is so hard. I was supposed to meet my ex for dinner tonight, but after agreeing to it initially, I decided it was a bad idea. The last time I saw him was last Wednesday and all I can remember is the guilt ridden look in his eyes. After thinking more about it I decided it would serve no purpose. I think he only asked because he hates to see me in such pain and is consumed with guilt. He is dating some one new and spending most of his time with her. He has told me several times that she is a good deal younger and wants kids(which he doesn't and can't have)so it can't get serious, but I can see in his eyes that he isn't being honest with me or maybe even himself. Mutual friends have reluctantly let me know they seem to be attending lots of holiday events as a couple and just picturing them together hurts so much.

I sent him an email last Friday to cancel for tonight and he didn't even respond to it until this morning. Rumor has it he had a holiday party at his new apartment with his new girlfriend in tow this weekend. Showing her off to everyone I guess. Anyway the email got rather long winded and I had to get my digs in about how selfish he has been. I reminded him of how when I was going to leave the relationship 1 year ago he cried and asked me to stay, but still wouldn't commit. Told him he sent mixed signals and I took responsibility for only hearing what I wanted to hear and ignoring the negative signals.
I talked about how he did things to sabotage the relationship, in what I thought was an attempt to make me be the bad guy and end it, but how instead I supported him thinking he was going through a rough time. (Scene right out of He's scared, She's scared book.) I talked about how all of this has left him feeling so guilty that he doesn't know what to do.

I also told him that he was being selfish in his new relationship, because I would bet money he is not behaving casually with her. He may say that he wants to keep it casual but his behavior will be anything but. He comes on strong in the beginning just like most commitmentphobes do, making you feel so special you just can't resist. I went on to describe the way he is probably behaving and the things he is probably telling her. Then told him I know because I remember all to well how exciting the initial pursuit was when we first got together. It was what kept me hanging on so long. Anyway I let him know that it was emotionally selfish of him to pursue someone who has such different dreams for the future than him. I told him she is only going to get hurt or worse agree to give up her dreams of having children to keep him in her life, only to someday regret it. I reminded him that every day he spends with her he is keeping her from those dreams and that he has no right to do that. Much like he had no right to keep me hanging on when he knew he would never commit.

I expected him to get angry and upset with my 5 cent psycho-analysis, but he took it well.
He answered that he understands my need to move on and that he will miss me. Told me that I am a wonderful person and deserve to find someone that can give me the love and respect that I deserve. Also told me I was right about a lot of the things I said and that he knew he needed to have another talk with his new girlfriend about what she wants and expects out of this relationship. He also mentioned keeping in touch with me by email to see if one day we could be friends, he understands this may be a long way off, but is willing to wait until I'm ready.

I didn't answer his email and am now on day 3 of no contact since emailing him last Friday. Although does reading his email bring me back to day one, not sure. This is so hard but I know it is what I need to do to move on once and for all.

Leslie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 10:48pm

Hi Leslie,

Big praise to you!! I really can understand how hard it was to send the email and to wait for his response. You did really well.

I was going to see my ex this Wednesday, but I decided not going to see him and I'll never see him again. I'm not sure even if I'm bother to email him to cancel it. He supposed to know I hate him so much so I assume he even won't ask me if I'm still coming over to his place.

I understand you read his email again and again. It's okay. Eventually the email from him going to be in the next page and you won't even remember about it.

Merry Christmas!!
Aloha, Tomo

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 1:19am

I went through something similar in which I had a meeting scheduled to see a guy right after he broke up with me, and then I thought, what's the point? So I cancelled and really felt good about that. I hoped that was the last contact, but he emailed me the following day. I deleted the message. Two weeks later (just yesterday, in fact) he called and left a message on voicemail. I had a moment of weakness and nearly broke down, but I remained committed to my decision to put him in the past.

It's still lonely and I miss aspects of him, but I'm happier that I moved on. If you weigh the costs and benefits of holding on, there are few if any benefits that are long lasting. If he's made it clear that he wants to move on without you, accept it. Don't spare your dignity. And be 100% determined to get him out of your life. If you don't make a full commitment to moving on, he'll easily find his way back into your life one day.

Good luck.

SBC

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 9:57am

Hi there,

I find you so brave to be able to take this step. My relationship also went through similar phases. We were wonderful together when we started and then we started arguing. I had doubts and everytime I tried to walk away (although I am not sure whether I meant it), he pulled me back crying and begging me to stay. Now he has decided he had enough and although he loves me, he can't see us together in the long-term. We broke up 5 days ago and I also see him hurting but over the last couple of days he has cut off contact with me altogether. I see him online but he does not respond to my hello. I think I also need to get where you are in making up my mind about cutting him off.

Problem is, he is coming to my city (he recently moved elsewhere) and I am dying to see him one more time. I don't know why...

How do you all decide that that's it?

(trying to) Movingon2006.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2005
Tue, 12-20-2005 - 4:38pm

Hi movingon2006,
I know what you mean about wanting to see him one last time. But unfortunately one last time can become a cycle that you can't break. That was what I had been doing. The last time I did see him I ended up feeling humiliated because all I saw in his eyes was guilt and pity for me. After he left I realized I don't need his pity and and it certainly isn't my fault he feels guilty. All I ever did was be there for him and try to make things work. If he wants to feel guilty, that is his problem now. Maybe he'll think twice about what he does in his next relationship.

As for how to decide when that's it you can't do it anymore I think you just have to make up your mind that it is for the best. Even if you want to hold onto the idea that he will come back (I know not what we should be hoping for, but in the beginning it is)not seeing or talking to him is the best way to not say or do anything you will later regret. I am still hoping that one day we can be friends, but told him that day is way off in the distance if ever. I still have a lot of healing to do and know I'm not there yet, because I still have those silly fantasies where he comes back begging forgiveness.
That's happening less now, so hopefully I'm headed in the right direction.

Leslie