Back with the ex, not good...
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| Tue, 12-20-2005 - 7:18pm |
Well, I guess I'm in the midst of a breakup. Long story short my ex and I dated for a year about two years ago. I contacted him out of the blue about 3 months ago and we've been talking since, I've been in another city for the past year and including the past 3 months that we've been talking. I have home twice since we were reunited and we hung out and had a good time, we seemed to be on the same page about everything and we both said that we wanted to get back together but it would take a little bit of time, I was fine with this, no need to rush. However, he's told me that he hasn't been seeing anyone else etc and his friends seem to feel we are dating as well.
My issues that I feel the same issues are there that were there before (I know, big surprise). He has done the I'm sorry things will get better routine at least twice now and of course it really hasn't gotten better. I feel like he makes no effort and we really don't even talk that much, despite him having a busy schedule and us being far apart (only 3 more days though) I think he could make a lot more effort. Well, today I happened to glance at his profile on a popular friends type network and noticed that he (as of last night) added that he was interested in the site becauase of friends AND dating. I was really upset when I saw that, I'm in his "network" so he knows I would see it and I feel like it is a big slap in the face, he added this last night so it's clearly on his brain. If he were serious about wanting to get back together why does he want to date other people? He told me there was no one else, we talked about all of this.
I sent him a text saying that we needed to talk and that I was upset about that he apparently still wants to date around. This was this morning and I haven't gotten a reply. I was going to see him on Friday (as of last night anyways) but now I don't want to see him. I sent him an email just telling him how I felt about everything, he knows there are other issues as well. I'm just very hurt right now and I feel like I've been betrayed.
I'm not really sure what I am seeking here in terms of a response but any feedback is welcome. I told him I didn't think I could do this anymore but I was willing to hear what he had to say if he wanted to call, I don't think I will hear from him. I wanted to say these things in person but I know that will just lead to me missing him and letting everything slide that has been bothering me so I thought an email was the best way to say it. Sorry this is long...

Hi there, can you bring me up to date on what happened between your posts on the other board (I can't remember which one it is or I'd go read it ;-)), and now? I thought you'd left it with him that it was over because of his tendency to withdraw and not communicate, one of the issues you said you'd had with him in the past. It sounds like that changed...what happened? I ask because that *might* shed light on why he updated his profile the way he did...
Sheri
Ugh, that has to be frustrating. I'm sorry. As I've posted to you, my ex did the same lack of communication/effort thing...and I kept giving him chance after chance to do better, which he kept saying he wanted to do. After our last conversation five weeks ago on the subject, in which he made all sorts of commitments to keep in better contact, blah, blah, blah...he just disappeared. I guess he just decided he didn't want to try anymore. I just wish I'd cut it off rather than have this happen.
But I know it's hard to accept that it's not going to get better, that things are not going to change. What do you think you're going to do?
Sheri
I sent him an email earlier today just spilling my heart out and how I felt about everything, I basically summed it up as that I couldn't do this anymore. The thing on the profile was the last straw for me, I can't believe he would put that on there as soon as last night. I told him I thought it was a huge slap in the face to me.
He is probably still working late and I don't think he's gotten the email yet (I could be wrong), I also texted him when I got home from work (about 6 hours ago) and said that I had sent him an email and that I didn't think I could do this anymore but if he wanted to talk I was willing to hear what he had to say. I guess I just sort of wanted to see if he would even call. He is the kind of guy that will just dissapear I think though, he is pretty good at just cutting himself off emotionally from someone.
I'm confused and I hate to let someone go that I really wanted to be with..
I understand. Part of what I've had to deal with is recognizing how much fantasizing and idealizing I was doing about my ex. If we'd actually been together (not LD) I'm sure the withdrawal/silent treatment habits of his would have driven me CRAZY. I had this fantasy that it was caused by the distance, but I know in my heart that's not true. It is who and how he is. And it sounds like the same is true of your ex. You want him to be a certain way, you know YOU would work to fix it if the roles were reversed...but it's just not happening, and accepting the reality is tough.
As I posted to you on the other board, I hope you can let go with sending your email and be ok with that.
Keep us posted.
Sheri
Part of me is really confused as to why he would add "dating", we've had the discussion of not seeing other people so it's not like he didn't know, he isn't dumb (at least in the capacity that he wouldn't know something like that would bother me, I'm in his network thing so it's not like he was trying to hide it exactly. I guess I just need to find the closure from that on my own as well as the other issues, he still hasn't responded to my text message or my email which just further demonstrates his indifference about how I feel.
In a way I hope he doesn't contact me, it will make it easier (although hurtful) to move on and not be tempted to contact him, I told him if he had anything to say I was willing to hear it (because for whatever reason I want to hear why he is doing these things although I know it shouldn't change my mind). I've had a few moments where I've wanted to break down and contact him but I'm not going to.
It sounds like he was being passive-aggressive...he knew you'd see it and that you wouldn't like it. You've read the Steven Carter books, right? So you know that's classic c'phobe behavior: doing something that he know will cause YOU to break up with him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.
Again, I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially around the holidays.
Sheri