making excuses for him

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2005
making excuses for him
6
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 9:46am

hey all,

one thing i've noticed that when we're really into a guy, we tend to make excuses for any less than perfect behavior on his part. i mean if he hasn't told us that he loves us, we blame his upbringing or his past relationships. or if he doesn't spend too much time with us, then we might even blame ourselves. etc. etc. that's one thing that i don't want to do anymore. make excuses for the guy. i mean, i'm not saying there aren't instances when he might be dealing with stuff, but i believe for the most part when a guy really is into you he is willing to put himself, his psyche, his time, his everything on the line. and we should know that and not accept anything less. sorry, i'm just ranting. i was just thinking back to my past relationship and making excuses in my head for what went wrong. maybe i should have been more laidback. more patient. etc. you know the deal. but i know that's just my mind playing tricks....!! and tricks are for kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 10:07am

You are so right. I too have spent the last week making excuses for him to everyone. My friends are getting tired of it - they actually blame him for a lot of stuff and I seem to keep defending him.

"I agree he was a bit of a control freak, but that's because...I agree that he was shy of commitment, but that's because... " - That seems to be my constant manner of communicating to my friends. In fact, I reread my first post here and I see that once again, I said that he was so wonderful and I was the problem. I actually said that and believed that because he told me so! Well, I know now that although, yes I have a lot of blame to take for not being patient enough, not being the best listener in the world (to him it meant agreeing with him), etc. - I also know that we didn't break up because of ME - we broke up because of "us".

I know that while anger helps during this process, not all of us can look deep down and say, it wasn't my fault at all. Many times, it may be the guys fault, but as someone told me the other day, there were two in this tango. So taking the blame completely and making excuses for him is irrational isn't it?

I agree with your following: "i believe for the most part when a guy really is into you he is willing to put himself, his psyche, his time, his everything on the line. and we should know that and not accept anything less". But do you think that men think this way too? Do they have a different understanding of love/relationship than we do?

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 11:35am

I have been really guilty of this too. My intuition always tells me something isn't right but I ignore it and then I get myself into these situations.

My ex is lazy and unmotivated in many aspects of his life, it is sad because he is a really smart guy but he just doesn't care about really trying to make himself happy or making any effort. I justified this as he was just content in life with simple things, this would be true if he was happy but he's unhappy in life (borderline depressed) and constantly complains but does nothing about it and it brings me down. He is also this way in relationships, I justified this on his childhood (although I do think his mom has a lot to do with his relationship/intimacy issues), but still, if he isn't willing to work on it even though he knows he has an issue then why should I tolerate and accept it? He isn't my child and unconditional love just doesn't apply here, there is a limit for me.

I see guys all the time making an effort, it isn't like my (or probably most of our) expectations are too high. We've just gotten used to the bare minimum and make excuses to ourselves that this is okay. I finally had enough with my ex and ended things (although he hasn't responded at all so it's pretty much a one sided breakup), but even then I should have ended things much sooner. I'm always guilty of giving 200% and letting the guy get away with the absolute smallest effort.

We all deserve better, every guy has their quirks and faults but they shouldn't be overwhelming and they shouldn't bring us down or make us doubt ourselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 4:57pm
Hey peacefrog,
You are so absolutely right. I made excuses for him to myself and others while I was with him and I'm still doing it to an extend. I kind of jokingly call him "Stupid" (as in "Stupid kept my vacuum cleaner.") to my friends sometimes and then I immediately feel guilty for having said it, like I'm being disloyal or something. Crazy, isn't it?
Hugs, Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Thu, 12-22-2005 - 5:24pm
Hey
I did that, too. It would go something like, "Well, he's really busy and tired" (like I'm not) or "He just isn't sure because he's being super cautious" (this is after 3 months, when the guy told me that he hadn't "really had time to think about" whether or not we even had potential. I mean, 3 months-- you have SOME idea, right?
I think that I was very patient with him, too. He even told me once that my demands were "normal" and even "minimal". Demands, such as, you know, maybe actually seeing each other a couple times a week. The thing that was really insane was that we live like 4 blocks from each other... and here I was, settling for a couple nights a week, at best.
Sigh. There were other excuses, too, but I'm getting exhausted right now just thinking about it. Whew! Why do we let ourselves accept scraps?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Sat, 12-24-2005 - 9:52am

Ash,


You said you agree that when a guy is interested he is willing to put it all on the line, but then asked if men think this way too.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 12-26-2005 - 10:37pm

Hi Nikki,

Thanks for that. I am really starting to believe that our breakup is for the best - in some moments at least - that's progress! However, this weekend has been real tough and I am now trying hard to focus on something else. Am starting skiing lessons tomorrow just to get my mind on something else until the lonely NYE creeps up. Can't help wondering what he will be up to.

However, am again going back and forth between whether to see him or not in January coz I have all this stuff I want to say to him. I know it wil do no good, but it's things I need to get off my chest. Maybe I will dump it on you guys or in a letter sometime soon.

Hugs,
Ash