So Heartbroken
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| Fri, 12-23-2005 - 2:16pm |
The man I have been in love with I've known since I was 12 (I'm now 32). He was my first kiss, my first love, my first boyfriend...you get the picture. We've drifted in and out of each others lives for years, sometimes not seeing each other for years at a time.
I've moved to other states, other countries in fact. I've gone to school, had boyfriends, been engaged, lost my parents and through it all I have never been able to forget him. He's always been in the back of my mind. It's not like I've spent every waking moment throughout my life obsessing over him but he's always been this lingering thought. He was my childhood friend, my touchstone.
A couple of years ago we ran into each other. He had been married, had children and was fresh out of a divorce. He was living fairly close to me. Within a ten minute drive actually. We spent a lot of time together as friends. It was comfortable and wonderful getting to know each other again. It was like a huge piece of myself that had been missing for years had been replaced. I don't know how to explain it really. I knew that the reality of us taking it anything other than friendship was an improbability so I just never really even entertained the thought. I was very happy with us just being friends.
Within the last year, my life took quite a turn and I ended up moving from Chicago to NW Indiana (20 minutes from Chicago). Apparently he took this quite hard unbeknownst to me. We kind of started drifting apart until a couple of months ago when I received a call that he too had moved out this way. So again we started spending a lot of time together living only a couple of miles apart. I've been spending a ton of time with his family, his children, taking him to work functions with me and introducing him to my new co-workers and friends.
For some time I've been aware that he has a drinking problem. I've tried to bring it up to him in roundabout ways not wanting to alienate him. He acknowledges that he drinks excessively but did not think that he had a problem and was unwilling to discuss it any futher. We spent last weekend together tucked away from the world in my house watching movies all weekend. On Sunday night he found a bottle of vodka that I had stashed in my freezer from a gift basket that I had received. It was unopened as I am not much of a drinker. Within hours he had polished off the entire bottle and was trashed. I know he wouldn't maliciously hurt me in any way. But in the state that he was in he was grabbing my arms and legs not realizing his own strength. He left quite a few bruises. The next day he apologized profusely not really realizing what he had done because he blacks out.
He insisted on seeing every bruise on my body. I could tell by looking at him he was mortified. I told him that though I understand that he did not hurt me out of malice I needed to set boundaries with him. I cannot allow him to hurt me in any way and I cannot be in a friendship in which I am afraid of someone. He asked me if I had considered the possibility that our friendship could turn into something more but I told him that until he addressed his drinking I would not allow anything past friendship to develop. He was absolutely horrified that he had hurt me and asked how much more I would be able to tolerate.
He asked me to his house on Tuesday because he was going to cook dinner for us. When I arrived after work I was greeted at the door by his "evil twin". I just left. I could not go through another night of seeing him like that. I had no idea what he drank or how long he had been drinking for. I just new for self preservation purposes I had to leave.
He called me at work the next day to apologize for his behavior. On his voicemail he acknowledged he had a problem and understood if I did not want to see him again. I called to tell him that I accepted his apology and that I would support him in whatever he wanted to do. I told him that I would not give up on him and that he was worth my time and effort. For some reason that made him angry. He asked what was wrong with me that I was willing to put myself in a situation where I would inevitably end up getting hurt. There was such anger in his voice. He told me that being with me made it worse because I am so tolerant of his behavior. I told him that I had the capacity for forgiveness and I wasn't willing to just throw him away because he had a problem. He has decided to sever all ties with me. He told me that he can't be with me and he can't be friends with me.
Needless to say that almost killed me. I know this is not about me. I know that he needs to do whatever it takes to get better. I know that he's pushing me away BECAUSE he cares about me and he loves me. He doesn't want to hurt me anymore. But pushing me away is far more painful that anything else he can do. I realize that he needs to heal and find a way to get better. If pushing me away is the only way he can do that then I will go away. But it feels like I've been kicked in the stomach. My heart is so broken. I miss him. The thought of never having him in my life again is a fate worse than anything I can imagine. Even if we can't be "together", he is my best friend. I'm a trainwreck. I'm not sure how to handle this. I am not going to contact him because I respect his need for space but this ache is unbearable. I'm confused, hurt and lonely. What if I never hear from him again? I know this is selfish because I'm thinking of how this is affecting me. That makes me feel even worse. I can't imagine isolating himself is a good thing.
Anyway, that's my story. Any insight that won't make me feel worse than I already do would be appreciated. Thanks for listing to my rant.
Paula

I hope Erin replies to you about addiction.
Personally, I think he's angry and pushing you away not because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, but more that being angry and pushing you away is his way of making you wrong and keeping things the same (his way) - meaning, I don't really think with you gone that he will actually seek help, but rather continue on his destructive path.
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
I'm sorry to hear about your situation.