She Shows up AGAIN!
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| Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:25am |
Hi All,
So what's up with this? On February 21st my conflicted ex-gf tells me she hasn't been going to our dance socials because she has a new "serious" bf. I'm crushed. All my posts are there explaining.
But now...she's going all the time! Last week she went twice and I left both times. She forwarded a flyer about an upcoming concert and asked "You don't have to avoid me."
Manipulative. It's like she's completely ignoring everything I said in my emails.
Anyway, so I went this evening, then saw her, the quickly packed up and left discretely.
The organizer kind of smiled and said "I know" because I'd told him to expect this because of what happened.
My heart was in my mouth when I saw her. Dancing was something we enjoyed, now she's going all the time. Where's her "serious" bf?
Too many questions and I DON"T WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWERS.
I stuck to NO CONTACT. I left. I felt better, but still upset, angry at how she treated me, regretful the relationship ended, second-guessing myself, loss of self-esteem that she's got a new bf and I'm single and hurting. These are my feelings right or wrong.
I'm doing great otherwise, working, exercising, looking good. But I want to be able to go and do these things without them bothering me.
To reply to this conflicted woman would 1) set back my own recovery 2) play into her own ego and need for attention and drama 3) make me look either needy if I told her I missed her...or like a jerk if I told her to get lost....it's no win right now and I need to distance myself from it.
I really hate this feeling. I hate her right now. I hate that she talked down to me, that she ran off to another guy. I hate that I was understanding during our time together. I hate that she told me I was the greatest guy she ever went out with but because I didin't want to marry her, she had to cut it off. I hate that in her last email she admitted that she never worked out a compromise or discussed it.
I don't want to be angry and sad about this. I know feelings aren't facts. These feelings are a kind of barrier to protect me from being hurt any further.
I want to be able to go out and have seeing her be a non-event.
Any insights into "NO CONTACT"? Is it always this hard? Do I really need to leave each time she walks in? I feel I can't stay or I'd feel worse.

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Hi Walawala, I have read your posts so I am familiar with your situation.
NC is hard for anyone. Period. Its natural for it to be hard, thats what its designed for I think. And, I think NC is particularly hard for someone like you - i.e., your ex is nearby and there are places you can/do run into her. It would take a statue not to react to seeing her, so you should be proud of yourself for doing what you are doing.
Thanks, I've read He's Scared She's Scared so can understand what this is about. Had I not, I'd be thinking "Why is she coming???"
But she's doing it because she can...she wants to prove that she can have a new bf and do what she wants...or maybe she's split up...or whatever....I have no idea.
I have told people.
One thing that really made me upset was that when she told me about her new "serious dating"...she said "Please don't tell anyone...."
That was sooooooooooooooooooooo disrespectful and hurtful and I told her as much.
But she doesn't understand. Which is also typical. So talking to her is of no use.
I feel terrible leaving....like somehow I'm letting her win by staying. But in reality...staying would be a horrible contest of wills, and I'm sure given her conflicted behaviour I'd feel worse.
You should not feel bad leaving AT ALL!
If anything, I would think that she should know how much she hurt you - and would therefore expect that you would not want any reminders/interaction.
She sounds like a very confused person, hopping into "serious" dating right after a breakup, yet keeping it secret, yet still keeping in touch with you and going to places she knows you will be at.
Its good you are educating yourself through books etc, and are equipped to understand some of the things that are happening. It helps, rather than just being totally in the dark about why some people do what they do.
As has been previously suggested, you need to find a new venue for the time being.
Seeing her is not going to be a non-event for you for at least another six months or so, I'd estimate based on your history with her. You might be able to go back to this venue sooner, but going there now is just going to re-start the time period every time you see her.
Sheri
Possible answers:
The 'serious' bf was just an excuse not to go for awhile.
She's changed her mind now and doesn't want to give up something she likes.
The answer isn't important. What you do is.
I guess what
Sure, let me put it into context.
When we first started dating she really came on strong....I was the one holding back explaining that I had been divorced and wanted to go slow. She did everything right...cooking, was available, sexy, affectionate. One day about 4 months after we began seeing each other---and bear in mind we'd known each other 2 years prior---I was away on a business trip.
She wrote a desperate email right out of the blue...she was accusing me of pulling away and she didn't want to be hurt and had a right to know what my intentions and feelings were. I called straight away and explained I cared for her, but needed to go slow. "I love you" she burst out. All of that was just way too fast and in keeping with the pursuit/panic dynamic.
In the meantime she never introduced me to her brother or family. She never even told me her age---so she withheld information. Then in her last email she threw it back at me telling me "I didn't introduce you because I thought it would put pressure on you." Then she said she wanted a baby and "You don't know how old I am". Again these manipulative behaviours are subtle but in keeping.
It was push-pull. She'd disappear, then we'd start seeing each other again.
Finally in October she demanded to know our status. I said yes, we were committed. Then she turned into a needy, desparate neurotic calling me 4 times a day, crying, telling me she missed me. Then suddenly she was joking around and her normal self.
Her phone got cut off because she forgot to pay the bill (she works for a major bank) she was either super emotional and pressuring or super cool. It was maddening and made me feel pressured and insecure. If she wanted to break up, why didn't she? She kept coming back.
Then in November we didn't actually have "the talk". She went on a business trip after yelling at me. When she got back I was confused and kept my distance. That lasted a week and suddenly we were seeing each other, half as friends, but still close, calling every day, coffees, dinner on her birthday, gifts. So I thought it was another one of her "breaks".
Then she broke the news about the new guy...at the gym and said "Oh please don't tell anyone..." Who says that if they're in a "serious" relationship.
Again the fact she could change her feelings so quickly and jump into another relationship she called 'serious' is part of the CP dynamic.
It's the idea of unconsiously or unconsciouly behaving so badly that I was kind of forced to distance myself and that helped her justify her exit.
Perhaps it's subtle but it's not a "We have diffferent outlooks, I care for you but need to move on..." we never had THAT talk.
After she saw I was upset, she sent me an email to that effect and said I was such a great guy and we had great chemistry.
That changed when I told her I was upset and she'd run off quickly. Then she became nasty saying a relatinoshp with me was "hopeless", then she was too old. She said she'd stopped going dancing because she had a "serious" bf.
Suddenly after 5 weeks she's going twice a week.
Then after a series of emails which she initiated (she never called, I deleted her number) I wrote "You've lost me as a lover and a friend".
Suddenly a week later there's a classic "curtain call" where she forwards a flyer for an upcoming concert. "THought you'd be interested...You don't have to avoid me. Am I not worthy to be seen?"
You might think that's innocent, but it's manipulative and again keeping with the CP dynamic. If she has a "serious" bf, why send me reminders of the activities we shared together? It's Cruel.
You can see why I find this behaviour confusing and hurtful. Whatever label you put on it, it's clearly conflicted.
When I was in it, I didn't notice. It took me NO CONTACT to realize that her behaviour and my hesitation was in keeping with the active/passive CP dynamic.
To add insult to injury. In her last email, she admitted she never tried to work it out or find a compromise. But left it there. No further invitation. Again in keeping with the conflicted....I love you but... dynamic.
Call it what you will, but it's not quite as simple as I initially made it out because I think I was in shock and perhaps in denial.
Yes, I didn't want to get married. But I don't she really does either. It seems that from her conflicted relationship history----a 7 year relatioship where she canceled the wedding just weeks prior because she felt the guy was abusive and his mother was controlling---you figure that out a month before the wedding in a 7 year relationship???
Then there was the long-distance relationship with some guy in another country. They broke up because HE wanted kids and marriage and she didn't.
The new guy...she just met him but he says he "wants the same things". How would she know so quickly?
All this again points to someone who has a "fantasy-based" outlook.
So I'm crushed and struggling. I was in denial. I had a role too. I should have backed away. But I stayed, I believed,I didn't follow the signs so now I'm hurting.
HI Walawala!
I have been reading your posts on here for the past few weeks and I am curious...are you sure that this guy even really exists or she is just trying to make you jeleous/realize what you would be missing if you didn't get serious as much as she wanted with her??? See where I'm going with this?
Hi,
Thanks. I think this is all true. Even if it wasn't she hasn't given any indication otherwise and her primary concern seemed to be that no one--including me---thought badly of her for this.
I think the hardest part of all this is acceptance that it's over. The push-pull thing did me no good except prolong the inevitable.
If you read my posts, you'll see that I had serious reservations about this for legit reasons. I was going to have "the talk" but it never quite happened because of a series of circumstances.
Now because of the way things ended--ambivalently---then the new guy news---it's bruising and hurtful to be replaced like that.
It's really my issue not hers. I need to accept it's over and have been taking steps to ensure that: No Contact, Telling people it's over, not responding to her overtures.
I post my most frustrating feelings here rather than venting them to friends or to her. Perhaps this is a better outlet for my sadness, guilt, my regret, my anger at what I did and also perhaps what i failed to do.
In the end the result would have been the same. Guy or no guy...I think fundamentally I can see we're different on many levels. I'm much more sensitive even thought I put up a tough exterior. She's much colder...even though she puts up an emotional front.
I appreciate the input and when I post it's to help me accept the reality and also my role in this. I'm no victim of anything, I was a willing participant when I knew that I would get hurt with this person. I went along, I ignored signs, I thought I could handle it. Day by day I get better and stronger. Two steps forward one back but at least I feel I'm progressing slowly slowly. I have good and bad days, good and bad hours. I'll get through this and appreciate your note and input very much.
Cheers!
Walawala2006,
ok, I understand better now, myself I couldn't get why you put so many labels on your ex.
She does seem confused and manipulative and I don't think it's a good idea to try to guess what's behind her behaviour. Don't expect her to realize that what she does is cruel to you, she doesn't think the same way you do. I think it's when we don't accept other people's behaviors and try to change them, we get angry and hurt the most.
When we broke up with my ex, I asked him to remove me from his msn messenger contact list, because without that, I couldn't remove him either (and since I know that I'm weak, I wanted him to do the job for me). He refused. I was upset, thinking how disrespectful it was to ignore my desire to disconnect from him, but when I calmed down, I realized that I'm responsible for my feelings, it's not his job to make it easier for me, he's hurt himself....We are actually in contact (we're long distance, so only by phone and msn), but it doesn't prevent me from healing, because it comes from within. It comes from knowing what I want and realizing that what I had wasn't for me and not having hopes that it will be better, because it never gotten better.
I don't believe in running away, in my case, it doesn't help, because my thoughts are always there with me even if I don't see my ex.
So I would suggest to try to accept her behavior, she's not trying to hurt you, she's probably just hurt herself, may be she doesn't know a better way to express herself. Concentrate on yourself, on what you want and how to get it. Don't blame yourself about not seeing signs, it's normal that we have hope that things get better and stick to what's not right for us for some time. You didn't stick for that long...I stuck for 4.5 years, some people stay even longer.
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