falling apart faster everyday

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
falling apart faster everyday
10
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 6:53pm
Well I think I am still in shock.... my husband of 2 yrs (together 11yrs) told me two days after we moved into our first home he wants a separation. That he is not happy. That we don't see things the same way. This kinda floored me. We have a 16 month old daughter, we uprooted from where we were living to come live in the same city as his family... we asked my father to move with us to help us with the mortgage so he was uprooted from the apt he lived in for 31 yrs.. and my husband is not happy. HE says he's been feeling this way for about 8 months but decided after we signed the papers he wants out. Course everytime we talk it's a different timeline.. the best one was for the last yr... well I was raising our daughter.. as a first time mom.. putting all my attention to her needs he says I didn't nurture our relationship. I don't know how to deal with this!!! I cry everytime someone asks how I am.... I get angry everytime I see his face... (he's still living in the home)..... I'm having a difficult time .....I don't know what to do... He says he wants clarity in our relationship... he wants structure... and separation is the best solution.... we went to marriage couselling for 3 sessions.. that's it... he doesn't see the point. of the couselling........... I need support.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 7:33pm
Your going to fall apart, and that is normal. You must believe, that what your going thru is normal phase of a relationship that has ended. It's going to be harder than you think, and I'm being honest, when I say, some days, the days will be so hard, you don't know what too do, but cry yourself to sleep. You have to think, and it's hard, but you will survive this!!! It doesn't seem like it now, but I promise you it will. It might take a long time, but you will be ok. Your going have to go thru this pain, and learn from it. It's preparing you for something more "grande". You don't see it now, but you will, when this is all over. I feel for your husband. He's making such a huge mistake, because if he knew for 8 mos, he's feelings had changed, he should of never signed those papers with you. That is not right, and you just can't be emotionally unfaithful to someone, and not regret your mistakes. He will regret it later on in life, but you have to let him go now, and he might come back. But be prepared if he doesn't. You will get thru this, only time is needed. I'm sorry for your pain. I don't wish any heartache on anyone, because it's very painful. Pray to God, and ask for his help. He will help you, and give you the tools to get thru this. But, it won't be a magic pill, and poof, overnight your healed. He will not allow you to suffer anything you can't handle, but you have to go thru this in order to move on with the next phase in your life. Take care, and let us know how your doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:34pm
Oh honey i am so sorry to hear all of what you are going through i am kind of at the same place as you apart from he has gone and got a new house and we wasnt together as long as you two or married (was supposed to be this year) .
All i can really say is hang on in there i know it dont help but ya got to be strong for you little one every morning i get up go look in the mirror find something posative to say about myself and put my smile on for the day so my 2 children see mummy being happy but when they gone to bed if you need to let it out just do it your only human .
You sound like a good mum by the fact you put so much love and time into looking after your child but remember you are important aswell we need to look after ourselvs to look after them as we want to .
sending lots of love,hugs and support
fionaxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 9:04pm
I can really speak to the moving aspect of your breakup ... I know that you are going over and over in your head everything you guys did to be together and all the effort you made to buy your place and make things work ... "But we bought this place to be together!" "But I moved my dad for him!" etc. I thought the same way and it just makes the breakup 10000000000 times harder. My ex moved in with my parents and me last November; lived with us for 9 months, then we moved out together and got our own place, close to his hometown, so he could go to school. That was August. By December it was over. I was (and am) broke and on my own in another state, surrounded by his friends and family and none of my own. I am living by myself and I keep feeling like I can't make it on my own while he is out in his element (not going to school) and having a good time. And yes, I get the same timeline stuff, that he was unhappy when we were living with my parents but he didn't want to say anything and "upset me" because of my newly diagnosed epilepsy. It's very overwhelming. Just remember you can and will get through it ... I found an apartment. It was hard, but I did. And now when the medication is getting to be too much, I am sucking it up and moving back in with my parents because that is what I have to do, swallow my pride and do it. You did a lot for this man but you can't change his mind, only he can ... let yourself be sad (i do it a lot) and try to go on as best you can. I wish I had better advice to give ...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 1:27am

Hi Lorihannah and welcome to the board.


What you are going through is really sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2007
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 8:31am

I completely understand. My husband of 9 years (together for 11, known one another for 13; nearly half our lives!) moved out almost 3 months ago. About a month ago, he asked me to dinner and said that he wanted to work on our marriage. I was ecstatic. But, since then he really hasn't shown that he wants to work on our marriage. As he told me through an email a few days ago, that he doesn't want to make plans with me for next week in case "something better comes along".

I'm sure that your emotions are all over the place. I was devastated at first, was a complete zombie, barely going through the motions of my day. After two weeks I realized what I was doing to myself and my students and snapped out of it. I still cried, just not as much. I've gone through devastation, crying all the time, anger, fear, guilt, and now I can currently say that I am back to anger after his attitude.

Do continue with counseling even though he won't. It helps to have someone to talk to. I actually have my 2nd appt. this morning, and have been looking forward to it all week. He was supposed to go with me, but now refuses because he's mad at me. I'm trying not to let it bother me.

Read those books that Cltwinflame listed. I have read, or are reading some of those and they are wonderful.

I wish you luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 6:28am
Thank you for your advice... I'm finding it harder to put a smile on my face everyday.. I try to look at the good things in my life I really do. but it all seems so fake.... The one saving grace I do have is my daughter but when she cries for daddy I want to lock myself in a room and never come out.. it makes me feel like I'm not good enough...... I know it's my own insecurites coming out and the hurt and the pain. I know he is her father but he up until just this weekend he hasen't really been there as a father... it seems like now he wants to feed her and dress her and take her places which wasen't the case two months ago.... I feed her,bathe her,take her shopping with me, when she is sick I take care of her.. I think I'm just rambling now...... I'm just so tired of all the stuff going on around me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 6:44am
Hi luv,
i know how hard it is and like you its my 2 kids that keep me going and i also hate it when it seems they dont want me they want him and all i can think is why him he left us why not me the person who is there but at the end of the day they aint doin it cos they dont love us its just cos they r kids and dont understand what is going on around them .
What breaks my heart is my daughter is 5 and kind of understands and keeps asking why dont daddy love me (how do u explain 2 a 5 yr old its not you he dont love its me) .
but please try and keep strong i will tell you what me and you will do this together and we will both get through it yeah keep ya head up i know ya dont feel like it but try
and remember i am here for you yeah so just let it out cry 2 me if u want whatever i will always try my best to help .
take care and you are stronger than this and will make it through
xxxxxxxxxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 7:54am
Thank you......
I bet it is hard when your child seems to understand.... my little girl is only 16 months old so she has no idea.. but I think she senses something is wrong... and yes I appreciate your help and I think we can do this together. I know I need some support and I'd love to be there for you as well. I can talk to my family but they are angry and hurt and they really don't know what it feels like deep down inside... they keep telling me to "get over it" like it's that easy. I still love the JERK. I need to be able to talk with someone who is going through this......... so again thank you......
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:00pm
Hi you really dont need to say sorry to me because i know how it feels and as for the family and friends thing i know what you mean i have stopped tryin to get help and support off them and have started to lie by pretending i am doin ok and happy without him now but its hard because in all honesty i feel dead inside my head has even started to block things out cos i just dont want to hear them .
but it is helping that i can talk to you and you can talk to me you are helping me more than you could think .
do you have msn because if you want i can add you to my friends list and then can talk whenever you feel you need to even if its to rant and scream how much you hate him (i am getting very good at doing that lol) but if not i am sure we can find another way of talking yeah hope you and your little girl are ok speak soon take care
sending love fiona,alisha and cohen (thats me kids)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:18pm
hi...
I am on MSN lorilonecat@hotmail.com should find me....... it would be great to rant and vent and even just chat..... it makes me feel alot better to get it off my chest. Let me know if you can't find me.....