Should I call him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Should I call him?
6
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:23pm
Its been about two months since my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. We broke up because he is in the Navy and we don't live in the same place and for a couple of other reasons. We talked the first month, but now we haven't talked in almost a month, he said he thought it was "neccesary to get over me". I am going crazy, I talked to him almost every day for 4 years and he was my best friend. I am having a really hard time with a lot of things (other than our breakup) and I just need my best friend to talk to. Should I call him or message him or should I resist this urge?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 1:00pm

Hi emma254.


Here's links to your previous posts so others can catch up on your story:


I am going crazy


Good books to read after a breakup?


::We talked the first month, but now we haven't talked in almost a month, he said he thought it was "neccesary to get over me".


Since he wanted no contact, it's probably better if you don't call. BUT if you just gotta, don't have any expectations.


Hopefully, someone else has some good advice for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 1:04pm


Its a tough one, are you really over him? Plus he said himself that he needs time to get over things so he may not be willing to talk right now. Im sure after such a long time together he would be willing to get in contact eventually.

You could take a chance but if he doesnt wanna talk yet it will probs set you back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 3:47pm

As much as it sucks, I would say NO, don't call him. You need to let HIM heal as well as letting YOURSELF heal. It's hard when your ex is your best friend, too, but maybe now would be a good time to connect w/ some female friends? Get out there and get involved in things you like - volunteer work, a new hobby, etc...

I think, personally, calling him would be a mistake. And unfair to both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 3:51pm

I know this situation has to be very painful and confusing for you, and I'm sorry about that, but let's bring you a little outside of your situation a little bit:

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 8:14pm

Hi,

Sorry to hear this. It's very tough to go from having someone who is your "best friend" to having them out of your lives. But sadly, it's IMPOSSIBLE to be "friends" with someone you're in love with. It just never works. It's uneven and being in contact just keeps you hoping and keeps you stuck.

It's not easy. You need to know that. There's no short-cut to getting over someone. But the ONLY way to start is to cease all contact.

In my case, we never actually officially broke up. We just kind of stopped seeing each other as she slowly started to drift away and I kept waiting to see what would happen. I wasn't sure if we'd broken up, we were "on a break" or just taking a new direction---silly me. One day 6 weeks ago she told me while at the gym she was "seriously dating" a new guy, the "wanted the same things" and then asked me: "Please don't tell anyone ok?"

It was horrible and insulting. My reaction was shock, then anger, then sadness. But I knew that I could no longer be "friends" with her. The question is "Would she be a loving supporting friend?". I did tell her this, and she compared me to one of her girlfriends who she no longer sees on a regular basis but they're still "friends".

That was again another twist of the knife. How did I go from being the most important person in her life....to a kind of "girlfriend"? It's heart breaking.

Read my posts on the "friendship trap" and all the follow-up.

Through NO CONTACT you'll begin to reflect on what happened and your role in that relationship. It will be painful, but as you adopt a set of feelings and stick to them, you will maintain your dignity and backbone.

In my situation, I felt my gf was focused on the "fantasy" of a relationship and was constantly pushing for some type of marriage commitment and couldn't accept that I needed time and enjoyed spending time and growing in the relationship but because of my divorce wasn't ready for more at that time.

Love and relationships require patience and understanding. Marriage is not necessarily equal to "commitment". But in my case she didn't want to discuss....I felt it was a kind of set up for failure---putting a kind of time-limit, then pushing, then withdrawing, then instead of actually breaking up and ending it, she kept coming back. This push-pull went on for a year.

I should have left but I stayed "HOPING" it would change.... Things don't change unless both people want that change.

So back to your situation. CONTACT will only delay your own healing and inner peace.

Why would you even want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? That's a good starting point for NO CONTACT...

Stay strong, we're here for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 9:02pm
Everything will only seem worse after you contact him, and find out that nothing has changed. I know how you feel. My ex broke up with me when I was going through alot of things that had nothing to do with him. It's so lonely, you feel kicked while your already down. Keep yourself busy to keep your mind off of him. Make some new friends, get in touch with old ones. Keep posting here, there is always someone to listen.