Need advice
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 03-26-2007 - 2:44pm |
Ok. So he broke up with me on the 16th. The 17th - St. Patty's day I texted him that I wanted to talk because we had both been drinking when the break up occurred. He said he would call me later because he was working. Never called. I went out for St. Patty's day and saw him out. We both avoided each other. I figured if he didn't call me, then we had nothing to talk about in person. I didn't call him after that because I felt that if he can't call me, then no need for me to call. He calls me on Monday. He misses me and has been trying to figure out what to do with us. I said, "You already figured that out". He says yes but it's still hard because he misses me. The reason we broke up is because he can't get ideas out of his head of me being around other guys and can't really trust me and it hurts him to think of it so it was better to stop hurting himself with the anguish of those thoughts.
I tried apologizing since the incident that caused this, reassuring him of my love, pleading, etc. Nothing. So Tuesday I decided to not hurt myself any longer waiting for him to come around. If he doesn't "feel it" for me any more then no sense in hurting myself. I told him I was going to send my friend to pick up my stuff. He said no need for her to do it, it had nothing to do with her, he would bring it by tomorrow (Wednesday). Wednesday I get a text from him in the morning like nothin. Good morning babe! Ugh - whatever. I texted back with a good morning as well. I didn't hear from him all day. So Wed night I decided to pick up my stuff w/ my friend. I went by but he wasn't there. I called several times and he didn't answer. He finally called me back & said that his phone screen was broken & that the reason he didn't call earlier is because he had to wait for me to leave a msg to pull my phone #. Sounded lame. Like you don't have my # memorized after 6 mos? Whatever. I said I wanted to come by to pick up stuff he asked what the emergency was. I said none, it's over. Sooner the better. When he heard my friend was with me he changed his tune. We went by. Picked it up. I gave him a hug and as I was leaving he showed me his phone to prove he wasn't lying. Ok, thanks I said and left.
he left me a vm afterwards saying thanks for leaving him a shirt he's never seen before in his life, must have been one of my other guys...lie. Also thanking me for making it an awkward situation coming over uninvited, etc. Then said, my phone isn't working so I'll have to talk 2 you tomorrow unless you leave me a voicemail tonight and I'll check...OK, all the BS but you want me to call you and talk? Another irritation. I never called and he finally texted me again today after 5 days NC that he's thinking of me and just wanted to let me know and that I don't have to text back if I dont want to.
I do care for him. I wish things could have been different from both of our perspectives/ends. I would like to make things work if possible but at this point, I don't know what he's calling for and I don't want to call him with hopes of nothing. Really, did he get over the thought of me being with other guys? Or is he just trying to keep me lingering. What do I do?

Pages
Hi sleepingbeauty,
No he didn't just 'get over' the thoughts of you being with other guys.
No, he hasn't gotten over his ideas about you being around other guys.
What a retard!! So I texted him back at about 5:30 asking him if he would be available to talk in a bit when I got off the train. He texted back he was working but to call him when I got off the train. I called him at about 6:15 and he didn't answer, I left a msg. I went to the gym continued about my business and then a little bit before I went to bed around 9:15 I called again and left another msg. Interesting! This is the guy that I spent days crying over! How ridiculously lame of me! But again, it's the grief of losing someone that was filling the void; not the grief of losing the greatest person.
I figured out that the best way to come away from an interaction like that unscathed is when you really don't have an attachment to the outcome. I called him not expecting anything other than having a talk. I didn't want him back and could care less, I just felt it was the mature thing to do since I hadn't spoken to him since I picked up my belongings. Luckily it only took me a few days to bounce back and I was 98% emotionally unattached when his text came in. These antics only solidified the fact that he was no good for me, immature and I'm lucky I don't have him ruining my days any more.
Hi Sleepingbeauty. When a person doesn't trust another person in a relationship, it can be alot of things. He sounds like he has some emotional issues and feels insecure with himself. Regardless of what kind of relationship you have, friendship, romantic, professional, you need trust in order for it work. It's not a healthy relationship when there is no trust, it only cause stress and pain for everyone. I think you did the right thing for being strong and not get tempted to "fix" things with him. Before he can get in a relationship he needs to "fix" himself. He needs to speak to a doctor or someone who can help with his emotional issues. Though I don't doubt he cares for you and I know you care for him, it's not healthy being with someone with that type of emotional issue. Regardless if you think you cause him to be like this or not. He may not be a bad person, but he needs help.
I find it a bit scary that you guys have been seeing each other for only 6 months and already he has all these insecurities. The begining of the relationship, should be fun and exciting. If he already develop these insecurities at such an early stage in a relationship, I predict it will only get worse and am afraid he might do something harmful to himself or others. You don't need that stress in your life. Both of you are obviously hurting, the faster you both begin the process grieving over this breakup, the faster you guys will be able to move on.
Perhaps when he finds help, you can remain friends. I don't suggest that you try contacting him any further, I think it will be best to let him know you're not trying to be cold but think it's best for both of you to stop contacting each other because it'll help both of you recover faster. Just ignoring him will stir up bad feelings, explain why neither of you should contact each other to avoid having someone feel rejected. If he continues to contact him politely remind him again why contacting each other isn't a good idea and ask him to respect your decision. If he continues, then you have to ignore it. If you respond to his tactics, it's only rewarding his efforts and giving him false hope that you guys can get back together.
So we spoke yesterday. Supposedly, his phone was still broken and whatever. Not that I completely believe that because he should have checked his messages knowing I was going to call. So we talked and I asked him if he understood why I hadn't contacted him. He said No. I said do you want to know? He said of course! So I told him that there was a point where I had made a mistake, that considering my care for him, I was right in apologizing and trying to make ammends for. Then there came a point where my pleading and apologizing became futile considering he said he didn't feel it anymore. So I needed to make a clean break and not talk for a while. He said he understood, that I needed to create some distance. I said yes. So he asked how I was, I said great. We did the small talk about what we've been up to, etc. I said I was starting school next week... He said that he missed me and thinks about me everyday, but that's expected considering we spent so much time together. I said thanks and I think about him daily too. So we started to wrap it up and I said "So....I guess we'll keep this as friends...who..uh...contact each other ever so often?" He said "yeah, I think that's best. I still have feelings for you and seeing you right now wouldn't make it easy for us. Plus, you're starting school and I'm working, so.." I said "yeah, OK." Then he said "OK?" (like he couldn't understand how I was OK) I said "Yeah, OK." Then he said "So you can call me whenever you want & I'll call you whenever I want" I said "OK, we'll see how that goes". I was off to the gym and so was he....
I hung up the phone fine. I didn't feel empty. I didn't immediately miss him and want to see him. I did not feel satisfied though. I wish he would have told me that he was a fool. And that he missed me and wanted to see me again. It was more like we were both just letting go. I don't want to let go though...It's hard. I know I should but it's so hard. He didn't show me any clear signs of wanting to get back together or see me so I guess I'm supposed to take that for what it is...but I want to call him. But then I don't want to appear like I need him or want him because it doesn't sound like he needs or wants me - even though I do. aggghhhh!!! What do I do?
Hi sleepingbeauty,
Well, I'm not sure what to say.
You are right.
Hi sleepingbeauty. You stated you are in a better place now, you stopped crying. That's wonderful. However, I'm afraid you'll be undoing all the great process you have accomplished by allowing him back in life. I don't think it's a good idea to contact a person once you broken up. It'll give the false illusion that there might be some hope left in the relationship. And "let's be friends" is another way of saying let's keep in contact so there would be a chance for us to rebuild our relationship. Relationship you left for a good reason, don't set yourself up to be hurt again.
You may not want to hear this but a man is what he is. If he was insecure and manipulative when he was with you, then it's naive to think he will change. He might tone down his habits in an effort to get back with you but deep down he's the same person. Everyone wants a bf/gf or some kind of companion but like you said if that person doesn't make you happier and brings more stress in your life, you're better off single.
From your comments the relationship and your ex, I see you know why you shouldn't have this person in your life but I also see part of you still desperately want him back even though you know he'll hurt you. I've been in that situation, it's depressing. You're angry with him but more angry with yourself for wanting to be with a person who treats you so terrible. You're hanging on a thread to hold together what is left of the relationship. You know you shouldn't be with him but can't help wanting to. Like everyone, you can't control your feelings and urges but you can control your actions. Don't get tempted into those urges. Those urges will slowly go away if you allow them to. You have to snip that little thread you're holding on to, it'll hurt alot but it's something you have to do to allow yourself to get over him.
You deserve better, there is a man out there, perhaps your future husband waiting for you. But you'll never meet him unless you can let your ex go, move on, and open your heart to someone who will love and respect you and worship your royal behind. You have to tell yourself, it is in fact over and cut all attachments so you can make room in your heart for someone who's worthy of your time. I'm sorry if that's harsh but If you continue to keep in touch with him, it's going to make it very hard to get over him and you might even end up back with him, unless you secretly hoping you can get back with him. Do you really want to go through this whole agonizing episode in your life again? We should learn from our mistakes. I can only give you my opinion, you have to do what you think is best for you even if that's not what your feelings are telling. You have to think with your head not with your heart sometimes.
Pages