How long is long enough

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
How long is long enough
6
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 6:09pm

My fiance and I broke up about 2 weeks ago. We haven't had any contact ever since. I am still devastated and have strong feelings for him. I tried some tips I found in this board, at times it helps. But at times like today, when I am at an emotionally low point, all I could do is to stop myself from trying to contact him.

It is especially hard because we had a great relationship. Everything seemed fine, except that he was not willing to discuss about the wedding date. We have been engaged for more that half year. I have brought up the topic several times, each time it ended unpleasantly. He refused to discuss about it, and I was left with increasing uncertainty and axiety.

Is it crazy to want him back?

We have been together for more than 1 year. How long is long enough for me to fall out of love? How long is long enough to wait before I can be envolved in another romantic relationship? How long is long enough to wait before I can actively start seeking again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 6:27pm

I have a simple question for you:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 6:41pm

Dear Sandra, I read your post about "things I have learned" and marked that page to read more for later. It helped me very much. Thank you!

I want to get married. We got engaged. He doesn't want to talk about wedding date. I got so frustrated that my bad mood has started to affect our relationship. I couldn't wait indefinately anymore. All he needed to do to comfort me was to set an approximate date, even a date in one year would be perfectly fine for me. However, he claimed that he didn't know when he would be ready. He said we should let things develop naturally. Am I too impatient?

Yes, I want to get married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 6:43pm
I want to get married. Right now, I want to be married to him. But I understand that I can't wait for my whole life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:42am

I'll be honest with you, that's not the answer I was hoping for. If you're just saying you want to be married, then I guess any guy who's ready right now will be sufficient. It's a much different thing to say you want to be married TO HIM. That you want to be married to him because he will make a great life partner for you, because you can't see yourself spending your life with anyone else, because he brings out the best in you and you in him, because he'd make a great father to your children, because he will be there through sickness, death in your families, hardship, difficulties, etc. Do you see the difference?

if you just want to be married, its important for you to sit with yourself and ask yourself WHY. Why do you want to be married, and why do you want to be married to him?

Getting married is a one day deal. That's it. It's just a big ol' party. BEING married carries a much bigger, much more important consequence, and should not, as the ceremony says, be taken lightly. Think about how you will make it work 5, 10, 20 years down the line. That's what he's been thinking of, I guarantee you. And it's scary as hell. It should be, it's the biggest commitment you'll make next to having a child. So don't rush it, and don't rush him. If he's the right man, what does it matter how long it takes? If you have goals as far as being marred and having a child by a certain age, my best suggestion to you would be to let that timeline go. Things rarely happen when we want, but rather when we're ready for them.

One of my best friends came to me, freaked out because her boyfriend at the time was dragging his feet on the proposal. They'd been dating for over a year and she was getting antsy. So I asked her the same thing I asked you, identically. She told me she wanted to marry HIM. So I told her to chill and settle down, the more she pushed, the less he was going to be inclined to propose, and wouldn't she rather he propose because he couldn't stand one more day not being married to her, rather than because she pushed him into it? So she thought about it and settled down. They just came back from their one-year wedding anniversary trip.

So settle down.

Best,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:08pm
Thanks Sandra! Why did you say that's not the answer you were hoping for? Do you think I should not go back and try again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:33pm

I said it's not the answer I was hoping for because you said you want to be married, but I don't recalll you saying specifically why you want to be married to HIM above all others.

You've been together for only one year. I personally think you are rushing things, and forcing a situation that need not be forced at this moment. I believe it's best for you to settle back and think why you want this, and take your time with it. Marriage should never be taken lightly, nor should it ever be forced or rushed. It seems to me that when people do this, they're thinking of the wedding, and not the marriage. That is the perfect way to get yourself married and then divorced. My opinion only.

Good luck,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do


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