NC not an option

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
NC not an option
4
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 6:23pm

Hi people,

I was hoping for some advice on the following situation as I have never been in it before and have been told it's something I need to be able to do. I just don't see how at the moment, and was hoping to get advice of those who have.

Ok, this guy and I were seeing each other for around 5 months, started as FWB (and he was very clear that me developing feelings would not be worth my while). It was good for a while, fun. And he was a nice guy. Then, after about 5 months it started to feel a lil empty, and I decided that I needed more, that I wanted to be able to have feelings for a guy and express them and have them reciprocated. In short, a bf-gf relationship. Only I knew he wouldn't be up for that, so I ended it giving him exactly those reasons. He was sad but accepted it without much ado. Fast forward 3 weeks from that and he tells me he has feelings for me and wants a serious relationship with me. You see, he had given *himself* permission to see whether he would develop feelings for me, but told *me* that there would be no point me doing the same thing. Why I have no idea. I turned him down again because there were other issues (sexual, the fact that at the moment we may be living in different cities from October onwards and neither of us wants anything long-distance) and the sexual issue was pretty big for me and I felt as though I could not mention this as it would strongly offend him. You see, he is a little too selfish in bed and I was starting to not enjoy it, but whenever I have tried to talk about it he didn't seem keen to have any kind of conversation about it. He prides himself on his sexual skill and doesn't like anything that would suggest otherwise. So again, I turned him down, but really wishing I could be as open with him as I needed to be to have a relationship with him because I really liked the guy. He kept saying I was making the wrong decision, over and over.

I then started to really think about it and finally spoke to him about it two weeks later. Figured he was worth risking those talks for. Well, turns out I needn't have worried - he was ok with me broaching those topics I thought I couldn't bring up. Except...in those two weeks he had started seeing two other women. And he said that even though he wanted me still, was very attracted to me, that I interested him more than anyone else he was currently seeing, he couldn't take me back because he had made kinda promises to the women he was seeing/sleeping with. We are on a college course together and live in the same house together with other people, and are heading off to med school in the autumn, and he knows he won't be seeing these women again, but still the offer of having me didn't tempt him enough to give up a couple more months of non-committal fun. He is 39 btw, I am 29.

So, I asked him to have a think about it, he did while away over a weekend, came back and said he wanted me back. This was a week ago. And here comes the crunch point: we will know by the end of next week whether we will be in the same city for med school. He said if we were, he definitely wants a relationship. If we end up in different cities then we won't bother because we don't want long-distance. Ok. So I asked him not to sleep with his other women for the max. 3 weeks that it would take for us to find out. And he refused.

And this is where my problem is. After that, I don't want a relationship with him anymore. I no longer trust him, don't believe anything he says anymore, and think he is not treating me very well. He says he is not obligated to me, doesn't owe me anything, is not responsible for my feelings. All very well but this comes after telling me only a couple of weeks ago that he wants me, would do so much for me, wants me to be his girlfriend, desires me like crazy, and that he find my company very stimulating and fun. From that to "I don't want to give up random sex with other women for 3 weeks for you, even if that means I may lose you". After I cry in front of him because I am so upset when I hear what he gets up to with one of these women (initially I thought the one with the bf was just his friend). It was tearing me up and I was crying for ages and very hard. I have told him what he could do to help me feel less distressed (spend more time with me than 15 minutes every other day before he goes off to see another woman. He refuses to do anything I ask him to as he says he does not like being told what to do. I ask him for help because I am hurt and upset and he just refuses. So I figure I deserve more than that.

What was to happen if we were in a relationship and something happened that required him to do something for me that maybe he didn't want to do off his own cuff, but which a loving bf WOULD do because he could see it would ease his gf's pain? And that should be worth any minor inconvenience. I would do the same for my bf. And I don't think he would do this for me. Which means that I will quite probably experience hurt again if I had a relationship again, because of his unwillingness to do something for me which has no immediate benefit for him.

Problem is: I am someone who can only get over someone by doing NC. This is not feasible though. I share a house with him and cannot move away for financial reasons until the course is finished. The course finishes at the end of June. I cannot stay at a friend's because the only people I know in the place I live are other people from the course with no spare rooms in their houses, I cannot swap rooms and I don't have friends living nearby that I could live with for a couple months. I am stuck.

Add to this that I am witness to every night that he stays over at one of his women's houses. I know he's not in because you just *know* when he is in - he is quite noisy and around the house a lot. So while he is out of the house most of the time now, being with other women, I still see him maybe once a day in a corridor between classes, or maybe around the kitchen at lunch time, or in exam rooms. Everytime I see him with his favourite of the two women it just hurts incredibly. They spend 90% of their time together and he looks at her the way he used to look at me - yet they KNOW they won't see each other again as they are moving hours and hours apart from each other to go to med school, she had a bf and doesn't want a committment which is why she is having *problems* with her bf at the moment. So he is treating her exactly the way he was treating me when things were good, yet he knows that will end in 3 months. And yet he could have had me for much longer than that if he'd given up sleeping with others for a few weeks and we had ended up in the same city. I don't get it.

Hpw do you get over someone when not seeing them around is not an option? I am trying all I can to avoid seeing him or them together, but this means not being able to go to social stuff I want to go to, not being able to leave my room much at home when he IS in, always fearing I'll see him around campus somewhere by accident, seeing him in exam rooms (had one today and he is seated right in my field of view - so distracting. I just want to forget about him, but cannot seem to do that with visual reminders. It sets me back to square one every time. I can tell myself over and over that I deserve better etc., but everytime I see him or the two of them it's like a knife to the stomach: I wanted you and you wanted me, and when I offered myself to you you chose sex over me.

I am very lonely at the moment and so miss his hugs and kisses and knowing that he would miss me and look forward to seeing me after a day at school and spend some of his evenings with me cuddling or watching movies. Now his favourite new woman gets all that. No wonder she is looking so pleased these days. I hate that he has everything he wants (sex, friendship, cuddles, affection, conversation) apart from having *me*, and seemingly that doesn't bother him much anymore. And I have nothing - no more kisses, cuddles, or him wanting to spend time with me. And then he goes and tells me he doesn't really want to spend time with me as a friend anymore either because I'm not fun anymore these days...

Today he even said that he has still romantic feelings for me to this day, and that I was wrong for thinking he hasn't. When I asked him what good that did me if he had no intention of acting on these feelings, he just blamed me for breaking up with him in the first place. I told him I wouldn't have turned him down if I'd been allowed the same chance of developing feelings as he had allowed himself and denied me. He doesn't seem to see that as a valid point. This is something we go round in circles at.

Everyone keeps telling me: it's only 3 more months. Don't let him get to you, he's not worth it, and you'll forget all about him when school starts. I know all that. Yet I still hurt soo much whenever I see him, or think about him. I cannot distract myself with work - trust me, I've tried! I know I shouldn't be this upset about a guy I'm not even in love with yet, but for some reason I am finding this sooo hard. It's the rejection and the loneliness that hurt the most.

So people: how do you get over someone if NC is not a possibility (I wish it were!!)

Thanks in advance for your advice, and apologies for the novel!!

goddess

Edited 3/27/2007 6:32 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad

Edited 3/27/2007 6:40 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad




Edited 3/27/2007 6:42 pm ET by goddess_bikingmad
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:54pm

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out as you had hoped but I do think you made the right decision to end things.

Unfortunately, given that you both live in the same house with him and go to school with him., I don't think you'll really be able to start moving on so the best you can do is to minimize your contact with him (be home as little as possible for one thing) and just get through the next 3 months. You should also practice thought-stopping for those times when you absolutely need to concentrate--he's not worth not doing well in school over!!!

Well, darn, I just went to find the thought-stopping post and post a link to it for you, and the board website where it was posted seems to be gone, so maybe CL-Itwinflame can post it when she gets a chance.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 8:56pm

Found the post on thought-stopping:

Thought stopping is very simple. As you probably well know, during the early stages of healing we obsessively think back to our ex and all the things that went on in the relationship. Its kind of like a tape the our mind just plays over and over and acts to keep us stuck in a place where we cannot move on as quickly as we may like. Thought stopping goes something like this:

1. Set aside a pre-determined 10 minutes (arbitrary time limit that you can adjust) in the morning and evening. During this time you allow yourself to sit quietly and think about your ex and the relationship. Obsess; get mad, go over and over whatever it is about the ex that you want to think about. Then when the timer goes off. That's it. You must move on to your productive activities of the day, knowing that you will get another chance that evening to return to the practice. Allowing yourself an outlet for these thoughts disciplines your mind for the task at hand. Each week or so you will cut a minute or two off the total time spent during these sessions. Just knowing you have these "meditations" scheduled during the day, helps you to focus on your work and school and leisure time, making the most of your waking hours and actually helps you sleep at night at bit easier. As I healed, I noticed that just knowing I could use that 10 minutes during my morning or evening was enough some days. I found I was much more focused and a lot less inclined to daydream and be distracted with my "internal" dialogue.

2. Every time you catch yourself thinking about the ex. or your past relationship problems, or anything related, you consciously take an action, be it snapping your fingers, saying STOP! outloud or (and this worked for me) pinching yourself to get your mind back on track (be it work, homework, working out, whatever). You will feel kind of weird doing this at first, but keep at it. You will find the time spent concentrating on your ex will greatly diminish within 2 weeks time (even more the further you go). You will be hyper sensitive to your thoughts and a kind of internal alarm will go off as soon as your mind starts to wonder. You will condition your mind to "stop the process". Soon you will notice that you no longer have to take the physical action to stop the thoughts. Your mind will begin to naturally edit itself. It just takes a bit of practice. I didn't believe it would work when I first tried it but I really had to stop all the "head work" that was going on and keeping me stuck so I tried it and it was very effective for me.

3. Lastly, the index cards. As you heal you will find that the bad memories or unpleasant part of your ex and the relationship begin to fade and you will be left with the happy, sweet feelings and thoughts of what used to be. This is great if it doesn't change your thinking. But if you find yourself looking for ways to reach out and reconnect with your ex because of these great memories then you need to use index cards. Using a couple of cards, write down every negative reason, example or thought you have about what happened in the relationship . Be as specific as possible so it?s very personal for you and triggers you to vividly remember these times. On The next card write down all the things about your ex that were unhealthy, unappealing or down right repulsive. Character defects, abusive behavior, or simply things that made you mad or sad. Whenever you get to a point where you are only thinking of the good things and missing the person... pull out the cards and relive the "reality" of what that person/relationship was really like and how living with them made you feel. You must remember the good with the bad and keep reminding yourself of the real reasons why the relationship did not work for you and cannot work. Why going back, seeking contact, reopening those wounds is just not worth the pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 12:31pm

Welcome to the board goddess_bikingmad,


Sandrea posted a list for people that have children together, and suggested

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 4:27pm

Hi Goddess. Wow you're like me, I write alot and most people tend not to read my messages because it's so long. LOL I have to admit your situation does suck. That guy is a first class jerk. I'm glad you stood up for yourself and dumped that idiot. Yes, you're absolutely right, you do deserve better. You deserve to be treated like the goddess you are, hence the name. =) If me don't worship us like godddesses we are, then they don't deserve to be with us. There are plenty of prince charming out there that can give us what we need. Besides I rather be single than be with someone who don't treat me the way I wanted to be treated or who don't fulfill my needs.

The suggestions and techniques people offered before my post sounds like it's worth a try. 3 months is a long time but you sound like a tough cookie and I have confidence you'll be able to get through it. When you have moved on, and by some chance end up in the same school as he does, enjoy the look on his face when you have a younger, better looking, 10x more man than he is prince charming on your arm. He might try to beg and say things to try to convince you to get back with him, he might try to do that now but tell him it's too late. He had his chance, and he blew it so too bad.

Like someone stated before, unless he's going to talk about the rent or bills, don't pay him any mind when he try to weasle his way back into your life. Tell him "I'm sorry but but we are not discussing that, I don't mind discussing our bill or rent but I'm not interested in discussing about our past or anything related to it, I would alot appreciate if you would respect my decision." If he can't respect your request, just walk and ignore him.

I don't suggest you doing this, but this is what I would do because I'm immature. If he would bring it up, I would throw an insult while staring him dead in the eye and just act cold to him. I would say something like "Oh I guess a hearing problem or anmesia because I remember telling you I don't want to discuss your pathetic feelings or "us" because there is no us. Oh you don't like that, well start acting like a man and get over it. I'll be ignoring you now, bye bye." I won't leave the room, I'll just pretend he's invisible, and talk to my other roommates, smile and whistle and do my thing in the house. I have too much pride to have someone intentionally disrespect my request in my face. I don't let a man disrespect me in any way without showing the consequences of his actions.

This is not something you should say if you want to maintain a decent relationship with a guy. Though guys have tried to get back with me even though I was mean and completely cold to them after we broke up. I don't care about hurting their feelings because they hurt mine first. I don't care for being friends with my ex because I can forgive but I'll always remember the hurt they cause me. That's why I never give second chances to any of my ex. Especially those who swear they changed, I find it disgusting and extremely insulting that they think I'm stupid enough to fall for that line and let them hurt me again. I realize men don't change, those who say they did, are either lying and horny or try to cover up who they are by acting how they think you want to act until they got you back that is.

I won't try to go out of my way to make them suffer, but if they try to approach me or get back with me, I'll let them know I'm not interested and ignore or act cold to them. If I bump into them, which I have many times, I would acknowledge them the same way I would a stranger. If he smiles or say hi I would give a nod, if he starts a conversation, I would interrupt him and say sorry I have to go or I'm busy, something to let him know I'm not interested so back off. I learn from my bad experience and use that experience to empower me, and help me with future relationships I have with other guys. I also learned to only put people who makes me happy in my life. I don't have room for those who don't, they're taking up a space for someone who will actually appreciate and cherish me.