Alone again, naturally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Alone again, naturally.
2
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 5:39pm

Ok, so I'm feeling a bit broken.

Just broke up with my bf of nearly a year. First real bf since my divorce (almost 2 years go). I moved home to be with him - I'd been in a rut with men so I was pretty excited to meet someone who could possibly be 'the one'. And at 33, my "supportive" friends (and mom) kept telling me I'd better be careful or else I'll soon be too old and no longer marketable.

Long story short, he's divorced too, and was going thru some temporary financial issues. So he moved into my house 6 months ago. In the last month or so, his frustration with his finances has been boiling over, and we've fought constantly. I felt like he was taking my paying the bills for granted; he felt like I was too concerned about money; blah, blah, blah. So now he's moved out and into his parent's house.

The sad thing is - I'm not sure I miss him or the companionship. I haven't called him, but I leap at the phone when it rings, thinking it's him. He's stubborn, so he probably won't call me.

Do I call him? We both said some terrible things; not sure if I want to get back together with him or not, but I think I'm afraid of trying to date again. Maybe he's better than no one.

OYE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 10:13pm

<<<<>>>

IMHO, You'd be settling for LESS if you think he's better than nodody....The man is not what you want. He's financially dependent on his parents now. He was financially dependent on you for 6 months.

The reason why you two got together in the same house was not the correct one to do so. You mentioned that you moved home to be with him. Did you have a job where you where befopre? Did you leave your job to be with him? When he had financial issues you opened your home to him hoping to give him a break, BUT it all backfired....

If he moved in 6 months ago and you'd been dating nearly for a year, that means you'd known him for only 4 months before him moving in. That's not enough time to know that "he's the one" because you were in the "honeymoon stage of dating" and you hadn't seen his flaws.

You offered him your home so he could get on his feet, but he never did so you started feeling like you were taken for granted and he was resentful, etc. That motive to live together didn't work. Real motives to live together as a couple include similar values and standards in life. Beside this, you have to look at some other areas such as -Are you compatible in temper? -Do you both want to have children? -Do you see more qualitities than flaws in him OR do the flaws overpower the his positives? -How would you handle finances if there is a problem....like there were.

Unless you want to get into a similar situation, I'd suggest not to call him again. He needs space and time to deal with his financial issues AND get on his feet. He's now at his parents'. Unfortunatelly, the man may never get on his feet.

Take time for yourself andf see within yourself. Decide what type of man you want and what do you expect from a relationship. Keep away from men asking for loans. GF aren't banks. You may have thought that you were helping him, but you didn't know enough about him to know that he was not the man to get on his feet and get a job in 6 months. He had six months and he never did. Now he's his parent's problems. No wonder why he's divorced. Your issues may be different.




Edited 3/28/2007 10:16 pm ET by lightandbright
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 11:46pm

Thank you. I think I just needed to have my inner-most thoughts confirmed. I did have a job before, but moving home was still good - better paying job, easier commute, able to buy a house, etc. He was the catalyst to bringing me home. So true - it was too soon to move in together. I thought it would be for a month max, and that he would chip in. But I was sorely wrong. I doubt myself sometimes - being that I never thought I was pretty enough or smart enough to find someone. Thank you for helping me put things into perspective. I won't call him. If (a big IF), he sorts himself out and calls me, maybe I'll consider it. Meanwhile, I guess I'm back to dating.

:)