tell me not to contact him!
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 03-28-2007 - 7:01pm |
I want to call him. I know I shouldn't, but that feeling has been there since yesterday. I just want to call and see what's going on with him. We haven't spoken in almost a week, and haven't seen one another in 8 days. Here is a cut and paste of the last email I sent him last Thursday. The stuff in quotes is him, and the other is my response to what he wrote.
"no, I don't want to make plans 2 weeks ahead because I will either A) forget about it or B) something better might come along. "
~You know what? I am better than this.
"Hopeful your therapist can help you out."
~First of all it's hopefully. Second, that's a low blow.
~If and when you decide that I am important to you, and can be first on your priority list, then call me. Otherwise, I am not going to sit around and wait for you to come see me only because no one else is available. I'm tired of being used because you have no where else to go.
So why can't I just stick to this? I've been fine until last night. And then today I received an email at work that wasn't intended for me, but for him. It as an assigment for a student that has been issued ISS and it was accidentally sent to me instead of "the jerk". So I forwarded it to him and back to the original teacher with one line saying that this was intended for him, and not me. The other teacher wrote back and apologized, and I kept waiting for a response from him. It took about half an hour to remember that I figured out how to block his emails last Friday morning (I am sick and tired of crying over his crappy emails during school; I have a job to do!), so he can't respond back in email. I blocked his email at home too. I have been tempted to undo it, because I am curious if he's tried to email, but then I tell myself that I don't want email, I want a phone call or a knock on my door.
I've been debating all week as to whether or not I should call and tell him I want the laptop and video camera back. He took the laptop for his vacation 3 weeks ago, and last week I let him take the camera, not realizing he was going to stop speaking to me on Wednesday. I tell myself to quit coming up with excuses to call him. But it's not right that he has not returned my laptop (a gift to me a few years ago), and took the camera we bought when I was pregnant so his mom could use it last weekend at a wedding she was attending.
I feel like we just had a stupid fight, and need to apologize and move on, but then again he said so many hurtful things.
Tell me I shouldn't contact him. Tell me I should just leave him be and wait for him to call. Tell me I don't need to put up with his bad manners and rudeness. I am having a hard time convincing myself.

You shouldn't contact him. You should just leave him be and actually, don't even wait for him to call. You don't need to put up with his bad manners and rudeness.
Does that help? :)
Seriously, I know it's very hard. I'm right there with you. All I can tell you is that nothing good will come from contact right now. It will only set you back. Don't call him for your own sanity and dignity.
However, you do have a point about the laptop and camera. Can you send him an email just to request your stuff back, that's it? Maybe someone else can give you some advice with that...
Here's all I would need to make me stop calling:
....."no, I don't want to make plans 2 weeks ahead because ... B) something better might come along."..... Think about it. Your husband is saying that he'd rather not make plans with you, his wife, because something better might come along.
You know what to do.
~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Hi,
I was just going to post the same thing when I read your post. It's been 2 weeks NC for me and 7 weeks that we actually spoke. I'm feeling much stronger. I don't feel as depressed as I did and I'm now putting the whole relationship, everything I did, she did into context.
Yes there were things I did and said that may have pushed her away. There were things she said and did that upset me. But in the end, it was her inability to have a constructive conversation and my inability to drive one that lead us to drift apart to the point that within a matter of 2 months she jumped into a "serious" relationship with some new guy. Read my early posts. I was very upset and angry.
Now I'm moving towards acceptance. But without the intense pain...my mind is also wandering and thinking about contacting her...I think "geez, I'm stronger, I can handle this..."
But in fact...one thing stops me. The fact that she told me she has a "serious" relationship....not "i'm seeing someone..." or "I'm dating a guy now"...the word "serious" was very deliberate and displays for me a kind of anger towards me that somehow undermines what we shared together.
So while I debate "should I or shouldn't I" contact her....doing so would undermine my own dignity and credibility. I've been hurt...I've expressed that very strongly. I haven't received anything in return---no remorse, no outreach, the emails she sent are full of defensiveness and are ice cold and somewhat patronizing.
I also recall the time she gave her business card to a guy at a party in front of me, then let me know he'd contacted her on the following Monday and was all evasive over it.
So when I consider whether I should forward that internet joke...or reply to her email 2 weeks ago, or just say "hi" when I see her, or whatever. I really think twice.
This would open a whole can of worms and set back my healing. It would drive me crazy trying to figure her out...it would make me feel inadequate for not being able to live up to the "new guy".
I've made a list of all the things that I didn't like, the things she did that drove me crazy, that upset me, that weren't in line with my life view.
I refer to that and think....can I really credibly get past all this? The answer is no. I think from what you've written the answer is clearly no.
I think it's natural to be nostalgic, and to remember the good things. We tend to do that even when someone bad dies.
One of the most important pieces of advice I've stuck with comes from Steven Carter's book "He's Scared She's Scared" where he says "Commit to a set of feelings and stick to them". Don't be angry when your ex partner is angry, then become understanding when he becomes remorseful.
Stay strong....and please encourage me to do the same. I think it would be a train-wreck to even write to say "hi" to my ex gf.
Yes, actually it did. Just having someone else say it made me leave the computer, put down the phone and unpause my movie. I also forced myself to finish knitting that purse last night too!
Contact has set me back. But it wasn't my contact. We hadn't had any contact for 2 weeks, then out of the blue he asks me to dinner and tells me that he wants to try to work on our marriage. Well, after 3 weeks, 3 dates, intimate 3 times, maybe 4-5 phone conversations, and several emails, he quits talking to me and tells me I'm being immature.
It sucks, because I love the jerk. How can I not after 9 years of marriage?
I know, I know. What a jerk! I am better than this, and I don't need to put up with his BS. The whole argument started because I asked him to a movie this weekend (the new Will Ferrell movie), and he turned me down yet again because he already has plans with his guy friends. So I asked what I thought was a simple question, and he's quit talking to me. And I'm the one that is immature.
I just don't want this to be over, but then again every day I fight down the urge to just go file for divorce and get it over with. I tell myself that it won't solve anything and I'll just feel even worse. And yet I keep thinking about our future. I keep thinking about Easter weekend, maybe he'll call me again. Or when his family takes off on their cruise in May, and he's alone for a week, maybe he'll call me. Or what about his college graduation next December. I would like to go, but then I remind myself that it would have to be secret, because he doesn't want me around. I've had dreams that I've found out I am pregnant (we were trying for over a year with no success)but I didn't tell him because I didn't want him to come back to me just for that. I've had dreams where he showed up and knocked on the door and everything was better.
Why can't it just stop? I need to figure out how to turn my brain off. It's not like I am sitting around for him. I'm busy! I have my volunteering tutoring on Monday, after school detentions on Tuesday, book club on Thursday, this Friday I am going to dinner and then lesson planning with co-workers, next Friday we are going for Thai food and then getting pedicures, this weekend I am getting a massage (I am so tense!) and then seeing a friend that I haven't seen in a year and a half. I have 2 dr.'s appts. next weekend (4 day weekend) so that'll take up some time, and next Tuesday I have another counseling appt. I feel like I am so busy. I rented movies last weekend, and I still haven't watched them all. I was too busy last weekend to actually sit and watch. But keeping my body busy just doesn't seem to keep my mind busy enough.
Hi mberber,
You can do this, you can be strong and get through this.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I feel like I am at that point of never calling again, then something happens and I fall back down. Believe me, the thoughts of just going to file for divorce are constant through my mind right now, and have been for several days. But then again, I don't know if I want that. I feel like if he would call and apologize (he's got to do some big groveling this time!) that I would try again. But then I stop and think, do I really want that. I almost want him to call me or come see me just so I can have the satisfaction of telling him that I have "something better to do"! But then again, why should I stoop down to his level and give him an excuse to tell me I am being immature again.
I did call him and send him an email. The voice mail (of course he can't ever answer when I call) was less than 30 seconds and the email was only 2 sentences. I told him I would like him to return my things, the laptop I let him borrow and the video camera he borrowed last week. I told him to give me a call and let me know when he would be bringing those things by. It just pisses me off that he has them. I'm angry with myself for allowing him to take the electronics out of here little by little. And yet, he's the one that has no bills to pay but two (cell phone which I gave him half of the payment for last week even though last month he said that he would pay it; I feel like I should tell him I need money to help pay one of our joint bills next month even though I really don't; and also his auto insurance). He's been on a week long vacation, bought himself a new playstation 2 and games, but his mom had to pay for his new tires on our truck even though I gave him $400 for that.
Why do I just let him keep using me?
I was on my way home from my bible study a little while ago and I had my 3 Days Grace CD in. This song called "I hate everything about you" came on. I turned it way up! These two lines alone are just perfect for my current mood.
I hate everything about you,
Why do I love you?
I think I'm going to call my mom tomorrow and see if I can get on her cell phone plan since I can't get my own without a $400 deposit due to bad credit. That way I don't have to rely on him for anything anymore. I think if that happens I'll tell him to pay that stupid apartment bill himself. I have a car payment because he left me with the crappy 17 year old car, and student loans to pay starting this past month. HE needs to grow up and be responsible.
Thanks for letting me vent :)