just to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2007
just to vent
1
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:31am
im sitting here and i just cant stop crying. i'm stupid i guess. i wasnt fine before but i was better. actually i think i was worst but the feeling was just different. we broke up more than a month ago and i was upset cuz i missed him and i thought he didnt care but i knew i didnt want to be with him. i was really REALLY depressed i even got on antidepressants cuz i couldnt get out of bed. then i went on my spring break. it was great. i was withdrawn from the world. before spring break i cried to him and told him to not drunk dial me because it confused me and we hung out and slept together but i was fine. then i went on my spring break and it was great i was a completely different person. i was away from the world. everyone was proud of me. i talked to people i had so much fun then the night before we get back i was upset i could see Miami from a distance hte night before the city lights and i cried thinking that i was going back to reality. when i finally got reception i checked my voice mail and he had called me and i got happy i was excited to see him. when i got back i gave him a call and reminded him he owed me a movie. we hung out watched the movie... hung out an entire day but he was being wierd and i was great. i felt like i was over him and i could just be friends with him finally then at the end of the night i asked him what was wrong. after a while he confessed he was upset to hear that i had hooked up with another guy and that he was jealous. i tried to kiss him and he didnt let me he said it wasnt hte same. i started bawling because i still wanted to be his friend but if he was going to be like that then i knew we couldnt he hugged me and apologized and we spent the night together. i was great... we ended up spending the entire week together day and night. i basically took an extra week off from school. i was fine and then at the end of the week i got attatched again. i didnt let him know though because i just didnt want to ruin things. saturday we had another little argument cuz a guy texted me and he noticed and it bothered him and well we were drunk. i still didnt say anything i was stupid i guess because im scared of rejection but i just told him that he was the only guy i wanted to be with but i knew we shouldnt be together and he really didnt say much so i left it at that. we spent all day sunday together too and we spent the night together. i was supposed to come home on Monday so he went to work and we had liunch together then i left. its like nothing even happened now. i dont talk to him. i dont call him and he doesnt call me. i want to call him so bad and tell him how much i miss him but i dont want to be that ex girlfriend. its different now. now i dont just miss him but now i want to get back with him so bad. i olve him so much. i had such a great time with him. it was just so great and now im scared and i dont want to feel like this. i feel rejected... atleast before i knew i didnt want to be with him now i want him so bad. im so sad i just want to go to sleep
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 11:38am

Hi Hopeless. It sucks, I know. I'm going through a similar situation of break up, knowing you shouldn't be together, but still wanting to be with him. It may seriously just be an issue of rejection. Like hey- you can't break up with me! I'm better than that....This sucks, come back to me and I'll show you how great I am and then I'll get to dump you! At least, I think that may be what's going on with me...Don't know if it's the same for you. I'm going to try to take the advice I'm about to give you.

Even though he is the rejector now, turn the tables. You know there are things that make your relationship unable to work, but you want to give it another shot just because you miss whatever "great" times you had. (I'll bet they weren't really all THAT GREAT anyway. At least for me, thinking back - Yes, we had fun..but I probably could have had more fun with somebody else. Unfortunately, sex gets in the way and changes your perception) Do what I think I'm going to do today. Now, I don't know if this applies for you exactly because I don't know if he's still contacting you on occasion but not as much as you would want. That's what mine is doing. Throwing out that line to keep me hanging on but not giving me exactly what I want - which then makes me feel sad, angry, rejected, etc. all over again.

I was making a list of the things that I want him to be in my life. Take this list and DON'T accept any less. Ex: I want you to call me so often. I don't want anyone else in your life. I want to know that I am special and you can do that for me by XXXXX. I don't know, these are just mine - yours may be totally different. Propose the list to him and then say, the only way I want you in my life is if you can provide me with these things. Otherwise, I don't have time to let you keep hurting me. I want you out of my life no matter how painful it may be. You will get over the pain eventually and have a healthier perspective of what you want for yourself and hopefuly never let anyone give you any less.

It is hard. You probably think of him fondly. You do have good memories that you're holding on to, but the idea of being rejected is what confuses you. Like you weren't good enough and that's not right! Try it. We'll see. I'll let you know how mine goes too! Take care!