broke no contact. so frustrated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
broke no contact. so frustrated!
6
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 10:03am

I was on day 4 of no contact yesterday and broke it.

I don't know what possessed me to write him an email but I did. I felt lost and confused and lonely. Perhaps I was looking for some validation? I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster yesterday. I just wrote a one-liner about how it was pointless for me to contact him but I just felt very alone. There was no response.

When I was leaving work early yesterday for an eye appointment, he pulled right in front of me. He saw me, waved Hi and held up his cell phone in the rearview mirror. Like an idiot, I picked up the phone. He said pull into the upcoming hotel. I did. He asked me to drive his car around the parking lot. It was making this awful screeching sound. He told me he was meeting some of "our" friends at the bar down the street, but did not ask me to go. He asked where I was going. I told him. He asked if I wanted to hang out on Sunday. I said I have to go to the gym and run errands, I have some plans. He said, I'll call you, okay? I didn't respond to that. Then he stared at me for awhile and I asked what he was staring at. He responded "you." He then said "I love you" and proceeded to attempt to kiss me. I stuck my hand up and said, "I have to go, goodbye."

Really a better response to "I love you" should have been "I love shrimp. I love my car. I love the color blue."

I felt really happy to see him, but then I was angry. Angry that he didn't ask me to hang out on Friday or Saturday, but on Sunday, when it is convienient for him. I think his ulterior motive is to ask me to do his resume. Angry that he isn't love with me anymore and not attracted to me because those are things that can be rekindled if he wanted to try, but instead he just gave up.

Did I handle the situation appropriately? Or did I just end up hurting myself more?

My resolve is to start NC again and not let this hinder my progress. I will not hang out with him on Sunday whatsoever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 10:32am

Under the circumstances... I think you handled yourself quite well. I, myself, wouldn't have pulled over, but we all slip up a little before we do a complete No Contact. Continue to work on it! Whenever you feel the need to contact him, write an email to yourself or call a friend. I even got to the point where I was leaving voice mails to him on my best friend's voice mail. She knew I was going to do it and it made me feel better that I had resisted calling him.

As far as the whole pulling over thing, he did put you in a very awkward position. I think by not allowing him to kiss you or not responding to the "I love you", you actually are making a lot of progress in doing what is right for you. You are recognizing his ulterior motives and not falling for them. YAYYAYAYAY! You are moving on!!!! Even though you were happy to see him (which I would quite honestly love to see my ex-boyfriend right now), you also recognized that he was still the same selfish person. He is only doing what is convenient for him and using you to do stuff like his resume. Your thoughts are becoming a lot more rational and focused on you and your well-being. Take how you handled it as a positive step. Would you have handled it that way a few weeks ago? Probably not. Stick to your guns and start no contact again. Don't answer his phone call when he wants you to hang out. And don't feel bad if he doesn't call. It's his lose, not yours. Continue to stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 11:52am
Don't beat yourself up over the tiny little slip you made. Even if you didn't email him, you would have still ran into him, and everything still would have happened. That wasn't your fault. He's the one that chased you down, and he needs to leave you alone. It's very selfish when an ex who broke up with us wants to stay in our lives, and remind us of the hurt. They just don't want us to be angry with them, they don't want us to associate hurt feelings and our broken hearts with them. It hurts their poor little ego's. You handled this situation beautifully!!! It sounds to me like you are making progress. Keep up the good work! From now on, make sure before you go out, to make yourself look beautiful. Smile alot. Fake it until you make it. Because if he runs into you and see's you looking beautiful and happy, he'll probably leave you alone. I'll bet he feels a little twinge of regret when he see's what he's lost, and think to himself "Damn it. She's happy. She doesn't need me anymore." It'll really bother him that your newfound "happiness" didn't come from him. The best revenge IS living well. It's hard for us to believe that now, but it's true.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:19pm

I broke 4 days of no contact as well and now I feel awful. I accidentally sent him a text yesterday that I was going to delete but sent instead and he called back. Well after talking to him for about an hour, I went to see him and we hung out like old times. Things were great, he was nice, I was nice. He wanted me to stay the night but I didn't.

Then today, I found out that he took this girl from work to a basketball game the other night and it upset me a lot! I called him and he told me that she is just a friend from work who is new to town and has no friends here. He said that he is not interested in her in a romantic way and was just trying to be nice and that he would never date anyone he worked with. We had a nasty conversation today about it and all he kept saying was that it didn't matter what he does or who he hangs out with because we are not together. He also was screaming and calling me names and telling me that I am making him miserable and that I am a terrible person. (I never did anything to hurt him during our year and a half together)

I really don't know what I am trying to get out of talking to him or finding things out about him because it only worsens the way I feel about myself. Am I a masochist?? Why can't I move on? He keeps telling me to move on and leave him alone and he wants me out of his life. For some reason though, I can't accept this and move on. I feel the need to convince him that I am girlfriend-worthy and that I am worth being with even though he said that he has no plans of ever getting back together with me. He also told me that he could never marry an Asian girl and that he would never take me to meet his parents because he would be too ashamed. I asked him if he really sincerely feels that way or is just trying to hurt my feelings because I was annoying him and he said yes, he really feels that he could never marry someone outside of his race.

After all this though, I still want to be with him. I'm already in therapy, read all kinds of books, confided in my friends. I've tried no contact and getting on with my life but something inside of me keeps pulling me back in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:42pm

dear mish, i hear you.... i'm being mentally messed with too.

today i had to go to a mutual coworker's goodbye lunch and it was a disaster. he treated me like crap. he told a friend that i was picking up that he would ride with us and brought one of his work friends. i was shocked when he got in the car. we got to the restaurant and they made us sit together. i realized that none of them know that we are not together! i was livid! i ignored him when he tried to talk to me. he was trying to act as if we were together!

he then leaves me to drive the other 2 ppl back to his bldg and gets a ride with someone else. i went inside the bldg to his desk to grab the pics of me and then called him and told him i made sure i told everyone that it was over because he ended it.

we fought on the phone today over the fact he's hiding his feelings and lying to everyone at work. he says that it is personal, but then why should he display me and get compliments on how wonderful i am constantly?

i undestand the asian thing- his mother had the nerve to call me last week and say that even though i was asian, she thought of me as her daughter in law and wished that it wasn't ending!

i know that this ended relationship is crazy!!! that he is applying a double standard to me and thinking that that is okay! after this long!

sorry it's an angry rant!

but if you ever need me, please contact me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:50pm

i just sent him an email and he said, "i can't deal with this...sorry." i don't even know what to think or feel right now. i am just filled with sadness and lost hope. I feel terrible about myself...like it's my fault that he hates me and that things have gotten so bad between us. I am jealous that that girl went to the game with him and he said they both had fun.

I'm feeling really down. I haven't been able to eat a thing all day! I know that when I leave work, I will be even more depressed because it is the weekend.

So Checkers, you're Asian too? Were you in an inter-racial relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 4:01pm

i know how you feel. it hurts to know he is having fun with another girl, sharing a fun time that he would've normally shared with you. i'd be jealous too. i've gotten the "i don't have time for this" response several times in the last 2 weeks, believe me!

he doesn't hate you, he dislikes you because he can't handle seeing you hurt and unhappy because it ruins his high and mighty ego.

don't feel terrible about yourself, think that you can move forward. that there is a whole new world out there that you can experience!!!

yes i am asian too. well, i don't know if it's considered inter-racial, because he was half and half, but his parents always felt being asian was not good enough, i know that for sure!!!