Not getting any better

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Not getting any better
6
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:27pm

I broke 4 days of no contact as well and now I feel awful. I accidentally sent him a text yesterday that I was going to delete but sent instead and he called back. Well after talking to him for about an hour, I went to see him and we hung out like old times. Things were great, he was nice, I was nice. He wanted me to stay the night but I didn't.

Then today, I found out that he took this girl from work to a basketball game the other night and it upset me a lot! I called him and he told me that she is just a friend from work who is new to town and has no friends here. He said that he is not interested in her in a romantic way and was just trying to be nice and that he would never date anyone he worked with. We had a nasty conversation today about it and all he kept saying was that it didn't matter what he does or who he hangs out with because we are not together. He also was screaming and calling me names and telling me that I am making him miserable and that I am a terrible person. (I never did anything to hurt him during our year and a half together)

I really don't know what I am trying to get out of talking to him or finding things out about him because it only worsens the way I feel about myself. Am I a masochist?? Why can't I move on? He keeps telling me to move on and leave him alone and he wants me out of his life. For some reason though, I can't accept this and move on. I feel the need to convince him that I am girlfriend-worthy and that I am worth being with even though he said that he has no plans of ever getting back together with me. He also told me that he could never marry an Asian girl and that he would never take me to meet his parents because he would be too ashamed. I asked him if he really sincerely feels that way or is just trying to hurt my feelings because I was annoying him and he said yes, he really feels that he could never marry someone outside of his race.

After all this though, I still want to be with him. I'm already in therapy, read all kinds of books, confided in my friends. I've tried no contact and getting on with my life but something inside of me keeps pulling me back in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:46pm

Hi mishmosh,


Self-disipline isn't always easy is it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:48pm

mish-

i think that both of us have problems letting go. we want the validation that this other person that we love still wants us. that they need us. that they love us. but in reality, they don't. they have made a decision and even though we are left with the emotional fallout, we still need to move on.

each day is so hard. i realize now that the 4 days that i didn't contact him, i was actually feeling a lot better than when i did! because after i did contact/run into him, i felt worse. i was questioning why me? why us? i didn't do anything to make him fall out of love, he just did. and it made me sad at first, but now, i get angry because i know i deserve better.

please stay strong. please don't contact him. we can do this together.

think to yourself "He is NOT Allowed!"

there is someone out there who deserves all the love that we have to give and will return it in full.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 4:07pm

All this is really causing me to hate myself. I know that his opinion isn't the only one but it's the only one that matters to me right now. Even my own opinions are getting trumped by his. Are these normal break-up feelings or am I just a weak, pathetic individual?

Even if I delete his number, I still have it memorized. I write in my journal every night. I really do follow all the advice given to me but I just can't shake the feelings inside of me despite what I do on the outside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 4:40pm

Ok, this one's going to be harsh, because I feel there's some tough-love in order.....


You do know that the only one doing all this to you, is you, right?


This is not making you hate yourself, you already do, otherwise, you wouldn't sit there and STILL try to convince his sorry ass of anything when he's calling you names to your face, telling you he wants you out of his life, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 4:50pm

Wow! That was harsh but I needed that. Thank you Sandra. Even my therapist has never been as blunt like that before but you're absolutely right! I'm not saying that I feel better but I do realize that I am the only one putting myself through these self-defeating emotions and pain. I have real issues to work on, which is why no matter how much I try to convince myself that I am strong and better off, they resurface when least expected. I will try to work on myself only and will try to get this "idiot" out of my system.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 5:15pm

....."I do realize that I am the only one putting myself through these self-defeating emotions and pain.".....

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