Not sure what to do...
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 03-30-2007 - 9:45pm |
Well, I broke NC yesterday after a little over 2 weeks of NC. He called me yesterday and I answered. We talked a bit and agreed to talk (in person) after work. We talked and he had assumed I had moved on seeing someone else (based on how I broke up w/him)...nothing could be further from the truth! However, he told me he was not ready to be in a relationship with anybody because he is not happy with himself. He is in therapy and is working through this. He said that he did a lot of wrong things in the past to his ex and to me and is really having a hard time letting go of the past. He did tell me that this had nothing to do with me but he doesn't want to see me cry or hurt anymore. He wants to make me happy and he knows he can't do that until he resolves his problems. He did tell me he knew he wanted to be with me but knew I had to move on with my life. He knows that a ton of guys will be coming to me and asking me out and knows he has to get his ducks in a row really quick if he doesn't want to lose me. We ended things with that we would be there for eachother always and things would happen in the future if they were meant to be. End of yesterday.
Now for today, I actually am the blame for calling him. I only did so to tell him that I was going on a date with someone. This is true, I do actually have a date but I struggled yesterday if I should tell him. I only did so because I believe it was the right thing to do and it besides, I don't want him to think I'm waiting for him to figure out his life.
I didn't end things becuase there was someone else, I ended them because he did not want to take our relationship to the next level. I just happened to have a friend in the last 2 days who told me she has has a "great" family member who I should meet. He and I emailed and talked and we're meeting up for dinner. Anyway, my ex didn't get angry per se, he said he didn't have a right to until he was in a place he could be but hoped I had a bad time on the date (kidding....) and made fun of what the guy could look like. He joked about all of this. He, again, said he knew he had to get his act together, etc (basically the same things as yesterday).
He then said he would like to take me to lunch next week so that that he could give me my Easter gift and I told him I didn't know if that was a good idea and I would get back to him next week.
I'm so confused right now I don't know what to do. The whole issue with my ex is we love each other, like doing things together, and the only "fight" we have had is over his inability to move forward. Do I do this lunch or do I not? If I do I fear slipping into the state he is comfortable with. If I don't, I miss him terribly every day and am so scared of moving forward in life with out him--I love him.
I appreciate any insight. Thank you.

If he is not able to give you what you want right now, then he is not the man for you right now. Hanging on and hoping that he sees the light only frees him up to do what he wants and keeps you from finding someone who does want the same things you do. Besides, if you back off and have no contact with him for a while, then he is much more likely to realize that he misses you than if you try to continue to hang out and he never gets to experience life without you.
YG
YG
http://twodatediva.blogspot.com/
Thank you. I know you are right. What should I tell him? He's expecting me to let him know about lunch later next week on Monday. Do I call him or send him an email? Do I tell him that we shouldn't talk anymore (period) or do I tell him he needs to experience life without me (something that he has not really had to do in years because I have always been there for him and he knows that)? I don't want to end things on bad terms but I want to say something that will make him think.
I'm not even sure he will believe whatever I do say at this point because as I just said, I've always been there. I know I need to be stronger than I have in the past and march forward and at least try to give someone else a chance but I'm so scared that if I do, he will move on to and meet someone else. It's silly, I know but it's how I feel. We have so much in common and somehow this got way to complicated than it needs to be.
Welcome to the board whitty_gal,
I read you post last night, but couldn't respond right away, because I nearly choked when I read:
::Now for today, I actually am the blame for calling him. I only did so to tell him that I was going on a date with someone. This is true, I do actually have a date but I struggled yesterday if I should tell him. I only did so because I believe it was the right thing to do and it besides, I don't want him to think I'm waiting for him to figure out his life.
I felt it was rather like rubbing his nose in the fact that you have a date, kind of cruel and since you want him to know you aren't waitng for him, I even though it was manipulative.
Hello, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. What I didn't say is that he has done this several times before, that is, we date and as soon as I want to take things to the next level (e.g., planning a vacation), he backs off...that hurts. And then every time he says he wants to be with me and we start the dating thing again and then I want to move beyond that, we end up in the same spot. It has been this way for years and everytime I go back with the hope that this time he really means it. So, if it sounds like I'm frustrated, it is because I am.
I know I would not like it if he told me he was dating someone and I can see what you are saying that was probably not the best idea but I'm at wits end. I don't know what to do anymore so I thought maybe by telling him I was starting to move on with my life, it would light a fire under him. However, now I can see that was cruel and a bad move.
I definitely do want to be with him but not just as friends. We were friends before we started dating. I have known him for over 5 years. He knows the ground rules because he tells me himself that unless he can do x, y, z, and make a full committment to me that he doesn't think we should date because he doesn't want to hurt or make me cry anymore. He also says that he isn't and doesn't want to date anyone else. However, I've waited for him for a long time to get things together and I want to get married someday and have a family.
One thing I do know is he doesn't react well to pressure. So, I totally get your point about not saying any slick comment. But what do I say? I don't know what to do anymore and am obviously now doing everything I shouldn't be doing and saying. It's completely out of frustration.
Thank you for your advice, I really think I needed an honest assessment. BTW, I'm not going on the date--I just am not ready. Do I tell my ex this? Oh boy, I've just totally made a mess of things.
Thanks again!!!
Hi again,
Have you read the book He's Scared, She's Scared, by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol?
Hi Carrie,
I went to Borders and bought the book and read it all in one reading, basically, on Sunday. It was very eye-opening for me and made me see that I had to be stronger and not be the passive one anymore. Where I felt this "need" to be with him before, I now see that I want someone who will give me what I need if it is reasonable (of course). As long as I keep playing along on his agenda and am available whenever he so chooses, I'll never be able to achieve what I want to in life.
I feel stronger, not as "desparate", and in control now...for the first time in a very long time. Thank you so much for recommending this book.
Hi witty_gal,
I'm so glad the book helped.