we're on a break

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
we're on a break
3
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 12:09am

Hi,

Well, reading you has been a life line recently. My boyfriend of the past 6 months and I are on a break since Wednesday (almost 4 days now, the longest days of my life so far). We were having a lot of communication issues that he was just ignoring, and when I confronted him, it got so ugly, I told him to come pick up his stuff. By the time he got to my place, I had the time to realise this wasn't what I wanted at all and we had quite a heated argument when he arrived. When he left, we both were more calm, we hugged each other and he asked me for some time to "figure things out", then said I'll call you tomorrow. He didn't call the next day, I was a bit crushed as he always does what he says. So I sent him an e-mail explaining in a better way what I meant the previous day. He answered asking again for some time to think. Fine. It's just that I'm having a hard time not calling him and just waiting for him to contact me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big girl, I'm 31 years old after all, so I do try to get busy by seeing my friends. But even then, he's always on my mind. I'm going through such a roller coaster of emotions, I don't know how long this can last. I missed one day of work over this already, I'm munching more than I'm eating, I don't sleep or I oversleep, I drink too much alcohol, and I cried so much one of my eye's skin is all irritated by the salt of my tears.

My question is: how long do I have to wait before calling him? Not to ask him an answer, but just to know where this is going, like how much more time does he need to know if he wants to be with me or not? Is it more like a couple of days or weeks? I won't last a month! All of this is impacting every area of my life and I'd rather he tells me it's over so I can try to get over him than going throuth the hell of "uncertainty". All comments/advices/prayers/good thoughts are more than welcomed.

It's hell, I'm sure this is how you must feel in hell. I sometimes wish to sleep for the next month or to get run over by a car and get into a coma, just to not feel what I'm feeling right now. I'm sending a lot of positive thoughts to all of you going through a break-up, hang in there, we will make it.

Thanks,
Annie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2007
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 11:26am

HI Annieville!

I know that it is extremely hard not to contact him when the only thing you want to do is just that. Guys are pretty simple (most of the time) in terms of communicating. If he said that he needs time, GIVE IT TO HIM. We girls tend to over analyze a lot more than guys do. Your guy said he needed some time to think and I'm pretty sure he meant it, so please don't contact him no matter how hard it might get. Call a friend instead! In the meantime try to focus on yourself more, I know it's the last thing you feel like doing, but get out there do little things that make you happy and he will come around!!! Keep your chin up girl! You can do it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 11:52am

Annieville-

I know how you feel... I've been there. It is a horrible feeling and a break tends to consume our entire thoughts, but it won't if you don't let it. When my ex-boyfriend and I went on a break, it was excruciating. I cried all the time, i lost 10 pounds, i barely slept and i felt like my heart was being squeezed out of my body. I couldn't think about anything else but him... for the first few days. But I got to a point where I needed to take that break for myself as well. I needed to figure out what I wanted out of the relationship. So once I started focusing on me and what I wanted, things feel into place. I was able to organize my thoughts and desires and needs. It wasn't so bad after that. My break only lasted a week, but thats because he was ready to talk then. Even though he and I didn't make it (he's moving about 6 hours away in two months and will be working 80 hours a week... the joys of residency), it doesn't mean this break is a bad thing. Guys are not multi-taskers. They cant think about a million things a minute like we can. Sometimes they do need time to reflect and think. They don't need us hoovering over their shoulders asking them if they decided yet. Give him his time. If you continue to talk to him and contact him, it might completely turn him off and push him away. He is not playing a game with you. He really wants to think about things right now. So try to resist picking up that phone or sending an email. Go do something else when you feel that urge... which is probably every second of every day if i can remember correctly. Really take this time to step back and take a look at the relationship. Be a little selfish. Think about YOURSELF! You will get through this. And if he is like a majority of guys... he'll start to wonder why you aren't contacting him. So sit back and do some things you've been meaning to do... laundry, painting, read a book, WATCH TELEVISION. Allow yourself to do nothing. Allow yourself to obsess over it, but do it in a journal.... not on the phone with him. Allow yourself to talk about it and only it to your friends non-stop. I guarentee you will get to a point where you get tired of talking about it. Get it out of your system. Allow yourself to gain strength and confidence. Heck I did and now my ex won't leave me alone. Guy-world is a strange place. If you need to talk, feel free to email me. I went through the exact same thing... I know that rollercoaster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 4:06pm

Hi There,

Sorry you are going through this tough time. I sometimes think I am NOT one to give advice but I have learned A LOT from my "Break - turn Break UP". I went through this too. Was it a break or break up? What happens now is KEY to this relationship. If he said "I NEED TIME" you need to give it. Now, only he KNOWS how much time. I truly believe if I didn't contact my (ex) boyfriend when we didn't know what we were doing he would've had that much needed "uninterrupted by me" TIME. He needs to MIss you, to feel being without you, not having you right there! I think if he has this time without reminders by you contacting him- that would be best! I know it hurts, I KNOW! The thing to remember is- If you mess this time thing up, if you keep contacting you will end up expressing your hurt that he needs time...arguments begin, it gets ugly, and the emotional stuff gets int he way & you end up doing a "push - pull" thing between you. If you give him time, he will realize what he is missing without the push pull, bad stuff that happens when emotions are high and one person feels upset that the other is confused & feels he needs this Time. So, STAY BUSY....give him TIME to realize what he needs to realize. If someone told me (or rather if I LISTENED to them) I may even be in a different place now too.. please take care & just be with your friends & family for now. Don't overthink his no contact....you will get it at some point. I would say if a MONTH goes by, then you DO deserve an answer as to what direction your going, either with or without him...but then again, if a month goes by, you probably get the idea where the relationship is going.
Stay STRONG, Sweetie