She is back with her husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
She is back with her husband
10
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 6:22pm

Hi, I wrote some months ago about my breakup with a girl that was separated from her husband and had gone to Cuba with him to reconcile. When she came back she said that she didn't love him and that she loved me and wanted to start living together with me. If I said no, then she would go back to her husband. For many reasons we did not end up living together but we 'married spiritually' (gave her a ring) and promised to be connected and in love for ever. After many threats, finally her husband moved back to her house and she has decided to a new beginning of her life. But she has also told me that she loves me and that she wants me to be her emotional and spiritual partner.

Needless to say I am devastated that she is back with him. We are so much for each other and it was just a matter of few months more and we would have ended up together, but she couldn't wait.

Now, she appears confused as she says that 'she is not really sure that she wants him back but is mainly doing it for her daughter'. But at the same time she keeps the flame alive with me. I don't know what to do. Should I still look for her and try to maintain our wonderful communication and relationship, or should I just disappear from her life? Both options are very hurftul. Since I met her almost 2 years ago she said that she might go back with her husband, but we started to fall in love with each other and her decision got delayed. Unfortunately, it finally happened and for good.

I am very depressed and don't know what to do. I would value very much your insights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 6:51pm
"I don't know what to do. Should I still look for her and try to maintain our wonderful communication and relationship, or should I just disappear from her life? Both options are very hurftul."
Okay. Option number one will keep you hurting as long as you are in this "Spiritual marriage." If you two haven't promised to love, honor, and forsake all others, that ring means nothing! YOU sound capable of these things, and deserve them in return. She does not sound capable, and doesn't deserve these things from you.
If someone loves you with all of their heart, there is no waffling, conflict or confusion. Alot of people say I have my head in the clouds when it comes to this, but I stand by my views. Love can be very complicated, confusing, scary...ect. But true love is between two people, not three.
My advice? Go with option number two. At least you'll get over the pain someday, and find someone who wants to be a bigger part of your life. It will be painful, but better for YOU in the long run. Take care, and keep posting. We are here for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 11:57pm

alittleafraid's exactly 100% right on this. True, both options will be painful, but option number two has an END to the pain, whereas option number 1 is indefinitely destructive to you and will eat away at your soul and this "spiirtual marriage" she's got you believing in.

I'm trying to understand that, but let's remember she's definitely, truly, physically, emotionally, morally and *legally* married and really has no intentions of leaving that, and if you stick around for this, she won't have to.

I'm sorry, but this woman has played your heartstrings long enough. This is completely unfair to you as she doesn't completely want you, yet she's being selfish enough not to want anyone else to have you either. if she truly loved you as she and you say she does, she'd release you to find your happiness in life while she pursues her marriage for "the sake of her daughter" And oh by the way you'd let her go also so she can concentrate on her marriage, too.

True love wants what's best for the other person, while still being true to yourself.

Best of luck, that's a difficult one.

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 7:53pm
Thank you for your kind words. She has called me a couple of times and I have been extremely cold and distant but I didn't tell her not to call me. I don't want her to call me but secretely I certainly want her to do it. Every 20 minutes I look at the screen of my phone to see if she has called me. She may continue calling me 2, 3 or 4 days until she sees that I am not the same and not interested in the details of her life any more, which I always was. I miss her so much, I love her, but knowing that she is with her husband day and night is an absolute nightmare. She is not mine anymore. She told me a few months ago that even going back to her husband she would love me and not him, and I believed it, until she asked me to stay away from her while her husband was moving in to her house. In other words, I felt that she was already kicking me out of her life, but this was the time when I most needed to be close to her. Is something wrong with me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 8:10pm
There is NOTHING wrong with you. You just made the mistake of falling for someone who belongs to someone else. I think most of us have done that at one time or another. Just learn from this. Good for you for being cold and distant to her! It'll get easier every time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 5:41pm
I am so upset with myself :-( She contacted me today asking me if I would go on a vacation with her and her daugher on August. I told her that before thinking on that, we should be talking. Our communication has broken since her husband moved with her this past weekend and she has kept me away and in the dark, when were supposed to be 'soul mates' and she would make me feel part of her life, sharing whatever was happening to her, especially if we were 'spiritually married'. I told her that I was very hurt and she didn't understand why. But the most stupid thing I did was to accept her proposal to go to the trip! After sending her an e-mail accepting her proposal I also told her to think about how my feelings were hurt. She only said, "let's talk later when we are back to ourselves...I will book the trip for August". Then I asked her for us not to have contact in the next week or so (but actually wanting her to say 'I care about your feelings and that you are hurt'. Let's talk now). And the only thing that she responded to my request of no contact was 'sure thing'. I am so furious with her and so furious with myself that my eyes are full of tears. She just said 'sure thing'! Could I have some words of wisdom? THank you all again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 5:49pm
Tell her she shouldn't be inviting you to go on vacations with her and her daughter. Tell her to take her husband along. She doesn't care about your feelings, she wants you to be alone and waiting when her husband kicks her to the curb! (And I'm sure he will.) When that happens, it'll seem like you have gotten what you've wanted all along. (Her all to yourself.) Except when she starts screwing around and running around on YOU! If she does it with you, she'll do it to you. Is that what you want?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 6:27am
A little afraid, you have made me think so much with your words. I just want to understand well what do you mean exactly when you say: "...except when she starts screwing around and running around on YOU! If she does it with you, she'll do it to you...." Can you please elaborate a little more? Thanks so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 10:21am

Honestly, I dont think alittleafraid could have made it any more crystal clear: If someone is willing to cheat WITH you, they will be willing to cheat ON you. Why? Because you LET them. This goes back to the fact that people like this have absolutely ZERO respect for relationships, and use them only to get what THEY want. That cycle breaks when someone says, "No, I value myself more than that."

And please, make no mistake, if she's married, even with that dried-out sad story about how it was "all over a long time ago," and even if they've been separated for years, they for whatever reason, are STILL married. If it was truly over a long time ago, a divorce only costs a couple hundred bucks, and they should have been able to get the support, property stuff taken care of easily. IF it was over 'a long time ago'. But if it's taking longer, then one or both married partners really don't want to let go and it's Not so "over" as they're claiming. Period.

Words of wisdom: Dump this woman who is only USING you and please, fergoshsake's take off the ring and be done with this "spriritually married" business. It's making a mockery of real marriage and real relationships. That ring is your shackles. You are a prisoner. Not of love, but of greed and selfishness-- hers.

You can do this, you can stop it all. If you don't then maybe you like the drama and maybe you should look into that.

P.S. Not going on the trip should go without saying, but I'm going to throw it in just in case.

Good luck,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2006
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 10:29am
I have reflected so much in all your words and is making me feel better. You all are like a godsend. It is still a very difficult moment and I think the worst is yet to come, since we haven't officially broke up although the relationship is so deteriorated that every day that passes gets worst and worst. I perfectly know that there is ZERO future and I should terminate this right away. She is leaving the responsibility of doing this on me. I think that one of the things that hurt me the most is the fact that she doesn't need me anymore, that she doesn't need to be with me, talk to me, dream with me since she has gotten what she needed, i.e. getting back to her husband. I miss her and I torture myself seeing her with him recognizing that I am out of the picture, out of her life. She denies it but we hardly talk, and when we do, it is only to stress the things that have been going wrong in the relationship. I know there is no formula, I don't even know if it is 'normal' to feel the way I do, or if it is something wrong with me. I am worried about what is next. The real break up hasn't even started...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2006
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 8:51pm
Well, if I were you, I'd start it as soon as possible. You sound like a very nice man with alot of love to offer. There are alot of good women out there waiting for unconditional love.