Not able to move on

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Not able to move on
3
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 3:23pm

I feel ridiculous for even writing this because it's been A YEAR since I broke up with my ex of 5 years and I'm STILL thinking of him and missing him. We originally broke up a year ago because he worked way too much to the point where I felt he was choosing his career over me and I felt lonely and restricted. I gave him the chance to improve things, and when he didn't, I left.

We have gone through an incredibly difficult year of keeping in contact on-and-off, taking vacations together, doing live-in trials and going to counselling to see if there was any possible way to work it out. He really wanted me back about a month ago and went on a "blitz" to get me back, sending me flowers at the office etc., but I said I was confused and not ready to try it again and that I was going on a vacation with my current boyfriend. However, when I went away, all I did was miss my ex and compare my current boyfriend to him. Now he is dating someone new and says he's completely heartbroken and has therefore decided to move on for good.

Believe me I've tried to move on, and have even dated other people and there have been periods of time when I was having a lot of fun without him and just felt frustrated about his efforts to get back together. And concerned because he was really becoming quite obsessive and following me around etc. But other times I just feel numb, unhappy without him, and like no other guy compares to him.

And there are so many incredible positives about the relationship: We have all of the same goals and great physical chemistry - the best sex I ever had. He is also really supportive and for the longest time we were deleriously happy and were planning to get married and have a family. He is financially secure and family-oriented and we have a lot of fun together.

The negatives: He has jealousy and control issues that he says will change if we decide to try it again, but I am as you can imagine quite concerned about this as are all of my friends.

What is going on here and why can't I let go? Should I let go? Or are my feelings for him an indication that we should try again? Or is this even love - sometimes I feel it's just addiction. Maybe one more vacation to see if there's a chance? But it may already be too late and I feel like a fool for not giving it yet another chance when I could. He has agreed to meet me for lunch next week, but now I'm not sure what, if anything, I should say to him.

I also worry about my current boyfriend because none of this is fair to him. Maybe I shouldn't have even gotten involved with him because I'm clearly not over my ex. My current boyfriend is really sweet and cares for me a lot but I feel like there's no future there because he doesn't want kids and I do. I feel like things with him will end eventually regardless of whether I try it again with my ex or not.

Any thoughts or immediate reactions at all are appreciated because I feel really confused and sad and frustrated ... thanks a million.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 4:00pm

Hello,

These thought are coming from a girl in a very similar situation.

It sounds like you need you take some real time apart from him. No talking, no lunches, no vacations. Just space. Neither of you really knows what you want. Just let time pass. Write down what you need in a realtionship, write down what you would need to be different about your relationship with him if you were to try things again. Take time for yourself to think about yourself and what you need.

If getting over him is your ultimate goal, there is no timeframe for how long it shoudl take you. But the fact that you are remaining in constant contact definitely will not help speed it along. It is perfectly fair and great to date other guys and see what is out there, but it sound a bit unfair to be a in a committed relationship with one, when you obviously still feel so stringly for your ex.

My advice: Write those lists I told you about. Edit them and add to them whenever you feel like. Date at much as you like. Have as little contact with your ex as possible and take time to reflect within. If the time comes to try your old relationship again, take out these lists and show him. Ask him if those things are possible from him and take it very slowly. Don't rush into fixing everything right away.

I don't know if any of this helped.... Hope so. good luck!

Kat

www.saveakat.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 6:45pm

Thanks, Kat!

This is great advice. And you're absolutely right. I don't know what I want. You've made me realize that I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to decide about what to do about my ex RIGHT NOW. I guess my only concern about not deciding now is that by the time I decide the opportunity to be with my ex may have passed. He is currently with someone new and serious about moving forward with her quickly and getting over me. I feel like an opportunity will pass if I don't act now. I guess you could believe in the "what's meant to be will be" thing, but I've always found that very sressful.

Any other thoughts?

Thanks so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:32pm

I know it feels like if a decision is not made now it may be too late. But if this is a really strong love it will survive. And yes, if it was meant to be, it will be.

I know doing nothing is hard, but you just have to believe that it will work itself out. And that may mean you will not be with him, but may find someone new. Someone new that treats you even better. I am struggling with this one myself. I believe things will work out. Maybe not in the way I expect, but it will happen.

Good Luck again!

Kat

www.saveakat.com