Help...Please..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Help...Please..
9
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 10:53pm

Ok so. I started writing here a few months ago. 3 I think. About how my boyfriend dumped me newyears day, and started dating some other chick the next day that had my name..Anyways...almost a month ago, my friend spent the night at my house and her and my ex are like bestfriends, and she invited him and her boyfriend over to my house one night..So I spent the whole night with her and her boyfriend, and my ex..Akward much. Anyways..they left at like 12:30 in the morning and my ex came online to her MSN and started talking to her and started asking her all these questions about me..Like if I still loved him and what not...And I couldnt lie..I did still love him...And he told her that he missed me, and that spending time with me again made him wish we hadnt broken up. And that if I was willing, he wanted to give us another chance..I was going to say no..tell him that I wasnt going to go through all of that again. But just as I went to say no, I said yes..I spent the next 3 days with him. It was great. Everything felt like it had before, and it felt like we hadnt been apart for 2 months. But we didnt get alone time, we were always with some of our friends. Which was fine, I love spending time with friends. But it seemed over the next week or so, all the time I saw him, we were with other people..and I told him how I wanted to spend time with just him..and hes like "we`re alone now arent we" and it really upset me..It was even worse because we were only alone because we were waiting for his friends to come pick us up. Anyways...the next Monday-Wednesday I didnt talk to him...he didnt call or text or email..I called him wednesday night, last wednesday, right before I went to bed...he didnt seem like he really wanted to talk to me. So we hung up..I spent ALL of Thursday with him...and his friends. Anyways..Friday, Saturday and Sunday I once again didnt hear from him. And he wouldnt return my texts, and I didnt want to keep bugging incase he got annoyed with me. Anyways..he came over tonight(Monday), with friends. For like 20 minutes, still better than nothing. But all day everytime I text him and told him I loved him, he avoided it...Its like, sometimes he loves me, and misses me, and wants to be with me..But then 2 seconds later he could want nothing to do with me..its like the 2 months apart made him forget how to be a boyfriend.

Sometimes I know he loves me, and wants to be here with me..But other times I dont know, and it frustrates me because he came back to me because he missed me and he loves me..But then I dont talk to him for 4 days? he doesnt text or message or call. And then he avoids me when I tell him I love him. I dont know what to do, or to think....Or how to feel..Am I doing something wrong? Or is him whose confused and unsure..please help...its breaking me..:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2007
In reply to: angel4259
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:24pm

My thought?

He does not love you if he treats you that way.

Do you want the kind of love that does not value your feelings?

The kind of love that decides to ignore you sometimes?

Are you not worth more?

Kat

www.saveakat.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: angel4259
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:44pm

My thoughts:

Too much, too fast. Take it slower, easier, don't be so dang clingy, it's probably what broke you up in the first place?

Good luck,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do


Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
In reply to: angel4259
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 8:25am
Im not being clingy..I dont ever talk to him because when I do call, he says he`ll call back..so I wait 3 days and I dont talk to him...and then sometimes I see him..sometimes i dont because hes with other people and doesnt have time to see me. If I was clingy dont u think id call everyday, demand to spend time with him? I call once, and then I wait..and when ive waited 3 days, then I call again...and it just repeats itself. He told me he loved me first, he told me he came back to me because he loved me, and he couldnt wait anylonger to be with me again...and then He never talks to me, never sees me. How do I not get upset with that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: angel4259
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:26am
Hi Angel. I know how you feel I'm kind of going through the same thing. I've been on this board on and off for 6 weeks now of my breakup. Him and I were done and I was clingy and pushy and demanding of answers. I backed off and he came back wondering what was going on. I was very honest with him and told him I felt like I was bothering him. he told me I wasn't bothering him and he liked that I called him or text him, etc. We were not telling each other that we loved each other or missed one another and then two weeks ago he kind of had an epiphany about out situation (its a long story about his ex and their child, he was making it between me and the child when really it was about me and her and how she uses their child to get what she wants - BREAKTHROUGH!!!! He gets that he needs to get some balls! He came up with it all on his own and those were his words! Hallaluah! Finally!!!) He started telling me he loved me, he missed me, he started talking to me about coming to visit him and he to visit me (we are LDR). He called me Monday, text me Tuesday, I called him Thursday and he said he'd call me Friday. No call Friday, nothing Saturday, Sunday, Monday, I text him this morning, nothing back.
I know how he feels, you know how your guy feels so what gives?
I am reading this book, The Truth About Love by Pat Love. I was waiting for a ride after I dropped my car off at the shop so I went to the library and started thumbing through this book. And when my ride got there I thought 'screw it, i'll take it out'. She describes this as the Post Rapture phase of love. Its the time when infatuation wans and we move into a new dimention. Its when someone will say "I love you but I'm not in love with you" but they are they just don't have the same intense feelings they used to so they think the attraction is gone. You and your guy and me and my guy are what is the Pursuer and Distancer roles. You and I are Pursuer and we want contact, answers, initiation. The guys are distancers they want to run away and through themselves into other activities and basically hide out, but they also want to feel appreciated and basically chased. They like when we go after them but not to the point of nagging or clinging. It makes them feel worth it.
So the premise is that pursuers need to shut up but distancers need to show up. We both need to talk about our needs in a non-judgemental way. Ask him to initiate contact because it makes you feel happier. He doesn't have to do it it all the time but once in a while would be nice. And ask him what he needs from you. I'm planning on doing this if I can get a hold of my guy! I'm trying to be patient and give him what he needs. Because I know what he wants, me. I'm darn sure of that. He needs to come around to that. Same as your guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
In reply to: angel4259
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 11:11am
All these justifications are not going to help. In the really really long run, one doesn't have the time or energy to play these roles. Point is, they love the chase. They like going after someting they can't have. All very fine to say in the first 8-10 months. It's when someone's interest in you wans after 4 years (lilke mine) after 10 years of marriage (people on this board) that's when you get stuck ina soup where you have years of your life dedicated to some guy who was going to walk out in the end anyway. I truly believe that these relationships that ended thus, there was trouble in the paradise from the very beginning. The men left us plenty of clues but we over looked them. Now's your chance, be smart. Crack the game. Move on, find some other guy. The denial phase can last very long for some of us, but the bottomline is , these guys don't care about us. Or, they care about us when WE don't care about them. And that's not really "caring" is it? I frankly am done. It's over. Next time, will find a guy whose far more SECURE who doesn't need a chase, a new girl, excitement to feel like a man.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: angel4259
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 12:30pm

I know no one ever wants to admit or even think they're acting clingy, most times we don't even see it,

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: angel4259
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 12:59pm

Hi angel,


From reading your post, I got that it moved way too fast.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
In reply to: angel4259
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 4:34pm
Sometimes its just so hard to say no seeing him, even if he is with his friends. I dont mind seeing him and his friends, once in awhile. But I also dont want to not see him just because hes with his friends. I do wait for him to call me, I give him the chance to try...but then he doesnt. We hadnt talked for 2 months, and I see him again and its his idea to try again. Im up for trying again, but I dont want to be the only one trying. He told me last time, before we broke up, that I have to try harder, that I need to put more into it. And now its like we switched roles. We were together a year last time, and this time almost a month, and the only thing thats different is that I try now, and he doesnt..Are you guys saying that I should just wait for him to call, if he calls. And say no if hes with his friends? Because then im back where I started where hes going to want me to try. I wouldnt take the bus to his house oneday, just to see him for 2 hours and then take the bus back..which meant I had to spent most of the time on the bus..He got mad at me for that, saying that any time is better than no time. And I guess thats why I feel that even if hes with his friends, if I see him its fine, even if for just a little while. Its just so confusing how he came back, telling me he wanted to try again, that he missed me, and now he doesnt call and he doesnt try and see me.Its just frustrating I guess. Sometimes I want to just give up, but that wouldnt be trying. And thats why we are together, so we can try and rebuild what we had...But its so hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: angel4259
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 4:51pm

Wait for him to contact you.