Second breakup, please help
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| Tue, 04-03-2007 - 9:29am |
Hi everyone,
I was in a LDR with a guy for about two years. We had been friends for five years before we began dating. The first time that he broke up with me in March '06, I was devastated, horribly devastated. He said that he just could not do the LDR anymore and he didn't want to be friends.
So, about four months go by. I am finally feeling good, happy, etc. He calls leaving a message saying that he is coming to see me. He arrived the next morning. He tells me that he changed, he loves me, wants me get married, etc. I was initially shocked that he was back in my life and that he even wanted to speak to me. But, I still loved him so we got back together in the LDR. We saw each other once a month. I saw him last month and when I got to the airport he didn't hug me, kiss me, say 'I'm glad you're here', nothing.I told him that he seemed distant and things improved during my visit and two weeks after seeing him he asks me if I am happy. Things have been rough lately in our relationship, but I was not going to give up on us. It came down to him telling me that 'he lost the spark and that he wants butterflies again.' I and many other people told him that long term relationships do not always have a spark and that you still love a person and want to be with them even if you do not have butterflies. After a week of him trying to make up his mind, he decided to end the relationship for a second time claiming that the spark is gone and the distance is something he cannot handle.
We have spoken since the breakup and he wants to try to work things out. He thinks that it would be best if I moved up to where he lives. He has told me that once he told people around him about the 2nd breakup that they find his reasoning to be silly and that he should not have ended the relationship.
Here's my dilemma - I still love him. I am trying to get through this 2nd breakup the best that I can. But, he calls me and now I am as confused as he is. He says that he wants to try to work things out. I ask him that if I did go up there, if he would change, would the spark return? I told him that I fear that he has not answered any of the questions or issues that he is dealing with and that my moving up there will not solve anything. I just find it crazy that 2 weeks after seeing him he breaks up with me and our 2 year anniv. was two days after the breakup.
I love him, but I do not know why he wants to get back together. I feel that he wants to reconcile b/c everyone is telling him that he should not have ended the relationship. He tells me that he loves me and that he is sorry that he hurt me. I just don't understand that if he wanted me to move up there right now, why would he break up with me again before getting his thoughts straight? Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks!

Advice: Go ahead and believe him that the spark is gone, but know in your heart that it can be recreated if the two of you want.
You know, I am so tired of people saying that long-term relationships have no butterflies to them, or that the "natural progression" of it is that the butterflies go away. They settle down, for sure, but they don't go away unless the partners get lazy. My parents hav been married almost 41 years, and they still get butterflies. I've been witness all my life to a wonderful example of what can truly happen in a long-term relationship when both partners are "all the way in"
Sorry, off the soapbox, back to you.
Ok, maybe not. The other thing that gets me is that many many people think that butterflies and sparks "just happen" They may at first happen with little help, but after some time, you have to put some conscious effort into it, and that's when people think they're "not in love" anymore, when they have to actually work at it a little. Such a lie. You have to make those sparks, get the fire going a little, but they will happen. So tell your boyfriend that. Sparks are wonderful, sparks will happen, but they have to be worked at, regularly, otherwise they will die of neglect and THAT is the natural course of events.
Don't let him 'punish' you because he got lazy. If he wants sparks, let him learn how to create them, otherise, you'll be in this cycle with him for ever or until you get fed up with it and him. If he wants to get back together, talk WITH him and listen to what he says he wants and needs in the relationship. Then look in your heart and see if that is something you can work through. By 'work' I don't mean serious work, i mean serious PLAY. Falling in love all over again is all about being playful, flirty, sexy, and fun. Like in teh beginning. No one ever fell in love by being coerced, guilted or threatened into it.
I know you're feelings are hurt, I know that you're probably more than a bit insulted, but I also know that people tend to put their relationships on "cruise control" and think that's good enough. Who's driving the car? Not him apparently, not you I take it from your surprise at the breakup, so it's not a big surprise that it went off the road.
You can find your way back, and recreate the spark, but the question is, do you want to?
Best,
~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Hi Sandra,
Thank you for responding to my post. I did tell my ex-boyfriend that if he wants sparks back in the relationship that it requires doing nice things for the person (anything that will make them feel special). It always seemed that he was never willing to talk to me until he was ready to talk. If I would ask him something, he would either tell me he was fine or tell me that I asked too many questions. I told him that in order to get the spark back we need to have more dates or do things for each other to rekindle the flame that he lost. But, I also told him that I should not have to tell him all of the things that he needs to do.
He told me that he is still confused and his only resolution is for me to move to where he lives. If he had more confidence in where he saw our relationship going or at least could tell me that he wanted to be with me (without saying that he does not know if he is making the right decision) I would not have any problem with moving to where he lives. But, his indecisiveness makes me feel that if we got back together those three months from now, we would be in the same spot again - where he has lost the spark. I just do not feel that he has any confidence in our relationship and telling me that he misses me isn't good enough. I think that he gives up too quickly.
I asked him that if we did get back together what would change and he said that he didn't know. I asked him why he would break up with me if he wanted me to move to where he was. Why didn't he just ask me to move up there? He said that he was frustrated.
We had all of these trips planned together and he still wants me to go. I was really looking forward to these trips before the breakup. Now, I don't think that I should go because I still have feelings for him. It makes it more stressful on me because his sister and his cousin want us to get back together. His sister thinks that I should move up there and attend grad. school. I am just afraid that if I get back in this relationship that he will lose interest again.
Sorry for the long post.
Hi there,
I'm definitely feeling for you.... I know how this feels. I do understand how you really want things to work for the two of you. However, what worries me is that when you asked him what will change if you moved up there, he couldn't give you an answer. Why doesn't he move to where you are? He is asking you to uproot your life for him, but can't even tell you what he plans to do to make you both happy again. It also worries me that he gives up so easily.
My ex did this to me quite a few times, every time promising me the world, and would leave again after 2 weeks saying he was confused. Every time I believed him and was willing to bend over backwards to save our relationship, but he wasn't willing to do the same.
If you truly feel that you can work things out by moving to be closer to him, then thats what you'll have to do. But do be careful, because he has not yet proven that he will stick by you through the good times and the bad. He needs to prove to you that he won't break your heart again. Thats not something that can happen over night, but ultimately if he loves you and wants to be with you, he needs to regain your trust.
Good luck to you.... be strong :)
Hi,
Thanks very much for responding to my post. He will not move to where I live because he loves his job and he sees a lot of room for growth. His job is his number one priority. He told me that when we were a couple that he did not think that it was fair to ask me to move up there. The weird thing is that when we were together and I would ask him about our plans for the future (really just when we would live in the same city), he would ignore the subject and say we'll see. Now that he broke up with me again, all of the sudden, we should be moving in together and buying a house and getting married. I told him that it doesn't make that when we were in a relationship he didn't want to acknowledge any of these things. I told him last week that it is best if we do not speak to each other for a while. I want us to be friends and if we have any chance at that, I cannot talk to him everyday as if we were still a couple. He said that he would try not to call me and so far, he sent me an e-mail about wanting me to move up there or leaving me alone and the other day he sent me a text message to wish my mom a happy birthday. He is really acting strange because when we were a couple - I had not received an e-mail or a text message from him in at least three months.
I feel that I am being pressured from him, his sister and his cousin about getting back together. I was trying to be nice and agreeable with everyone. He is the one that broke up with me again. Getting the feedback from these posts has helped me realize that I need some space. He can't just dump me one day and then expect me to pick up everything and move to another city because he thinks that he made a mistake.
Honestly, I don't think that he can prove to me that he will not break my heart again. Everything that he has told me lately is pretty clear. He still says that he is confused, he made a mistake, and he is sorry that he hurt me.
Thanks for letting me vent! I really do appreciate your feedback! =)