Let's break it down.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Let's break it down.....
8
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 5:20pm

Ok, y'all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 4:45pm

You're a Scorekeeper - me, I have always done this in relationships and friendships. I keep a tally in my head of all the thoughtful things others have done for me, and if I feel like I'm being shortchanged, I get scared and pull back. I haven't gone so far as saying, "I've done this for you, and you haven't done anything for me," but I'm being just as distructive doing it in my head.

You're a Faultfinder - neither

You Think It's Your Way or the Highway - Him. He doesn't like to negotiate. If there is a problem, then it wasn't meant to be. I am determined to working out our problems, since in the past I thought he might think I was begging him to stay and just let him leave.

You Turn Into an Attack Dog - I think a little of both, but in subtle ways. We don't get into screaming matches and attack each other verbally, but we have thrown around some things that were hurtful. In the end, we both always feel awful, and apologize.

You are a Passive Warmonger - neither

You Resort to Smoke and Mirrors - both. Mine is usually a combination of holding things in based on my internal scorekeeping, his is usually a result of overthinking everything and making the relationship more of a burden. I have made a conscious effort to talk about my feelings with him, even if I am mislead at times. I am not above apologizing and admitting my mistakes. I haven't figured out how to help him to not overthink things.

You Will Not Forgive - me/maybe both; I am still working on forgiving him for breaking up with me for no apparent reason. He has said that he felt aweful. I think I just need to say to him that I forgive him. I have said that he was not totally at fault, but he doesn't want to give me any of the fault. I think he doesn't want to totally forgive himself. I think it's time.

You Are the Bottomless Pit - ME! And I am the same way, I have friends, and career, school, a life, but I always want more from him. When I step away and look at it, I'm so pathetic. Where did this come from???

You're Too Comfortable - both of us/maybe him more than me. We were a great couple for about a month, and then we sank into the relationship thing. We do things occasionally that are dates, but it's already assumed that we'll spend time together on the weekends without asking.

You've Given Up - I haven't. I'm going to find out how he feels this weekend!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 10:05am

How my relationship got contaminated:

You're a Scorekeeper
Him. He never appreciated the small everyday love gestures and didn't always say thanks.

You're a Faultfinder
Me. It's a lil piece of my negativity I'm learning to look past and work on.

You Think It's Your Way or the Highway
Both of us. We are both first children. We want to lead and we are both incredibly stubborn.

You Turn Into an Attack Dog
Both of us. Especially him. He would blow up and verbally attack me then in defense I would attack him. Then I would say I was sorry and he would begrudgingly say he was too, too much pride and stubborness on his part.

You are a Passive Warmonger
Me. I wouldn't say how I initially felt, because I was scared, but once he got me going, it just came right out.

You Resort to Smoke and Mirrors
Definitely him. He couldn't communicate effectively. He would sugarcoat everything and then he would explode with anger when I confronted him.

You Will Not Forgive
We would both forgive, but not forget.

You Are the Bottomless Pit
Me. I guess I felt he wasn't expressing his love enough, even though I was out with friends a lot and did my own thing.

You're Too Comfortable
Both of us. We had a great long time of fun and then all of a sudden got stuck in a routine rut. I'd try and suggest fun things to do, but his need to be a provider kept us stuck in the rut.

You've Given Up
No. I haven't done that. I still have a lot of hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 10:31am

I must say a great idea... I took 2 days to really think about it and my answers, and this is what I came up with...

--HOW MY RELATIONSHIP GOT CONTAMINATED--

--You're a Scorekeeper:--

Neither. We never had a problem with this.

--You're a Faultfinder--

Sad to say, me. I would constantly remind him of the best way to do things, and I would go out of my way to make sure he did it the way I thought it should be done. Horrible, I know.

--You Think It's your Way or the Highway--

Me again. I'm a control freak, plain and simple. I've worked on this probably more than anything else I've worked on since the break-up, and I'm happy to say, I've let the control go, I can only control myself, and my own actions, not anyone elses.

--You Turn Into an Attack Dog--

Neither. Things never escalated so much that there was harsh words exchanged.

--You Are a Passive Warmonger--

Him. With him he would always say nothing was wrong even when something was eating him inside out. He still has issues with this one though. A couple weeks ago, we kinda got into an argument (which in the end was good), and I had to literally scrape to get the information out of him that he really wanted to say.

--You Resort to Smoke and Mirrors--

Me. This is so me it scares me. I always had a way of bringing up stupid stuff instead of addressing what was the real issue. He would make me mad about one thing, and I would start to talk about another issue instead. I've worked on this, trust me I have. I now speak what is really bothering me and I don't skirt around issues.

--You Will Not Forgive--

Neither. We've always forgiven each other and ourselves.

--You Are the Bottomless Pit--

Him. He has grown up around people who never made anything of their lives, and he assumed his life would turn out the same way. He never though he was good enough for me. Even when I would point-blank tell him I loved him and that's all that mattered, he didn't believe me. He is still like this actually. Still claims he loved me enough to let me go because he couldn't give me what I deserved.

--You're too Comfortable--

HAHA. Both of us. Our relationship eventually ended up with us doing the same thing over and over again, and neither one of us putting in any effort. It got boring, and complacent.

--You've Given Up--

Sadly, I've begun to. I'm losing hope, and really I'm scared. Sandra do you have any suggestions for this one. I don't necessarily want to give up, but I'm getting tired of trying to be patient...

Thanks.

~amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 5:23pm

Well this was very difficult for me to do. Not difficult to identify the issues but difficult emotionally. Hopefully it will benefit me in the future though.

You're a Scorekeeper
I think both. Whenever one of us would ask the other for a glass of water or some other insignificant favor it would turn into a "I got you water 3 times yesterday, and in the past I also did this and this and this." It was absolutely ridiculous, but we were never able to stop this pattern. We talked about it, but when the situation rolled around the same habits would play themselves out.

You're a Faultfinder
Me? My ex and I were in very different places in our lives, and I often worried about things that might affect our relationship. I'm finishing college and he was a high school graduate. He treated me very nicely, but he didn't seem to have any direction or ambition, and would always say "I want to go to school, get a better job, etc..." but never followed through, and I didn't like to pressure him. He was also in a fair amount of debt (not loans, unpaid bills etc.) and was not good at managing money. Honestly I didn't care if he went to college or anything, but I was very concerned that he didn't seem to be able to take care of himself financially. I didn't expect him to take care of both him and me, but I didn't want to end up being responsible for both of us financially if we moved in together or got married one day. I worried a lot about his ability to follow through. Is the above really faultfinding? Part of me feels it is because it prevented me from fully respecting him and treating him fairly sometimes, but part of me feels that these are valid concerns.

You Think It's Your Way or the Highway
Me. I wasn't so obsessed with being right, but I would feel very insecure when I didn't get what I wanted. I always felt like "if he won't do X for me, he doesn't really love me. And since he lacks in other areas (ambition, responsibility) he needs to make up for it by being extra-attentive." I think it's appropriate to make concessions to your significant other if it's really important to them, but every time I wanted something, I ALWAYS felt like it was really important and therefore he ALWAYS had to concede. I also often felt that my ex wanted/needed the relationship more than I did, and my ambivalence made me act unfairly.

You Turn Into an Attack Dog
Me. When I felt hurt I got very angry and felt incredibly defensive. I would say really awful things when I was hurt or mad. I think it's partially because my mother was this way with my father and it just rolled off his back, so I was used to being in an environment where you could vent your anger and the other person would understand that it was just "in the heat of the moment." Looking back I don't think my ex was this understanding, but if it did really bother him he never told me.

You are a Passive Warmonger
Him. My ex never brought an issue he might have had about our relationship to my attention. He always insisted everything was fine or that he was just stressed about work or money or some other outside concern all the while acting very irritable with me. I chose to believe his reasons because no amount of prodding would get a straight answer. The most I could ever get out of him when asking why he was moody would be a simple "I don't know" or the above reasons. The final days before he broke up with me he left town to visit his parents, and didn't call me or answer my calls for the whole weekend, and when I called him crying asking why he was behaving this way he was very short with me but wouldn't tell me why he was so cranky and unresponsive. He would also pick fights over really insignificant things like the small favors I wrote about earlier.

You Resort to Smoke and Mirrors
Him. He was so severe about this that I actually have no idea whether he had any issues with our relationship or not! I thought everything was fine because our only arguments were over silly little things that I thought would be easy to overcome. When we broke up he said he just didn't want a girlfriend right now after almost two years of insisting he wanted to marry me unprompted. If there were issues bothering him about our relationship, they never came out, not even in an outburst. Unless dumping me suddenly and then cutting off all contact with me counts as an outburst. The saddest part to me is that I think he believed he was being a good boyfriend by keeping quiet when in reality it probably just made him feel resentful and enables him to believe the dissolution of our relationship was all my fault. He said of his other girlfriends, "they were mean to me and fought with me and cheated on me and I never did anything to them" and I think that might be related to this behavior. I know I probably never made him feel secure in our relationsip, so maybe it was my fault for contributing to this behavior.

You Will Not Forgive
Him? I may have gotten good and mad when I did get mad, but I always got over things very quickly once they were out in the open and resolved. If he had issues with me, he never did anything to resolve them or make me aware of them, in which case how could he possibly have forgiven me? Then again maybe he never did have any problems, I guess i'll never know.

You Are the Bottomless Pit
Probably both. In the beginning I was not this way at all, but the more attached I felt to my ex the more I needed his reassurance. He worked in the opposite way. In the beginning he wanted to see me all the time and needed a lot of reassurance that I loved him etc. He was like this for most of our relationship up until the last few months before he broke up with me.

You're Too Comfortable
Him. He settled into a routine very quickly and comfortably. I often suggested we try new things together, go on dates, and was very flirty with him. He usually just wanted to sit home and insisted he was "too tired" to go out or even do fun stuff inside the house. If I wanted to go out with my friends or anything I had to do it without him or not at all. I liked the stability and comfort we had, but sometimes it got boring.

You've Given Up
Both. Like I said, he never brought up any problems, so if he had any they must have piled up for him until they seemed insurmountable. When we broke up and I suggested we could work on our relationship he replied, "I don't want to work on it." I don't know how much more "given up" you can get. I also gave up in some ways. I used to try very hard to get him to open up to me about feelings and such but eventually I thought either they were never going to come out or perhaps he just didn't have any "deep feelings." I also kept on doubting the future of our relationship so I didn't want to put in 100% effort until he met my conditions of fiscal responsibility. Unfortunately these doubts about the future did not prevent me from being totally heartbroken when things ended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 4:58am

Hi Amber,

Yeah, I have an idea: Just keep going. I read something recently that said if you think you're not doing enough to work your way back, you're robably right on track. What I can tell you from my own experience is that before getting back together, it's most important to do two things: Keep improving your own life *without* him, and make sure every single time you interact together, that you make it a positive experience. That's it. Simple in theory, difficult in practice. ;)

Best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 10:44am

Thanks. I think I'm just getting to a point to where I don't know what I want anymore, and I'm think I'm starting to just want to move on with my life, and if it happens, it happens. I do have my own life away from him, but here lately my feelings for him have been getting the best of me. He'll call, we'll hang out, have a great time, then a week later when he hasn't called I get really anxious and stressed, and I don't want to live my life like this. I have great friends, and a great life. I do love him, but maybe its time. I know if I do this, it will be hard....

~Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:13am

"A week later when he hasn't called..."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:23am

You are right. I think it is time, but I know it will be extremely hard. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I can't continue on in this cycle...

I do call him occasionally, but I try and leave most of the calling up to him.

I'll let you know how everything goes.

~Amber