Should I apologize?
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| Wed, 04-04-2007 - 5:39pm |
When is it a good idea to apologize to your ex?
I know relationships run two ways, but for my part, I unwittingly did a lot of things that doomed the relationship. I had the best of intentions, but I didn't grow up in a family that taught me how to love well. Breaking up with him was the last thing I wanted to do, but I ended up doing it anyway because I didn't know how to deal with my hurt and anger. I should have stayed to work it out, but it was too late. He was devastated, and when I tried to patch things up, it made things worse. He felt so devastated by the rejection that he rejected me right back.
So for the past 3 months, I've been dealing with the devastation of being a dumper AND a dumpee.
I've been through hell and back, and even though I'm not finished healing, I've made impressive progress.
But still, my mistakes and how they hurt him weighs on me. I feel that I should write him an apology letter because it's the right thing to do, but I'm afraid that his response will cause me to backslide. Yet since when should an apology be contingent upon the feelings of the apologizer?
After we broke up, we played the breakup game back and forth for a month. The last time we talked, he said, "So you're just going to leave things unsaid?" That was the last I heard from him. After that, he stopped taking my calls and locked me out when I tried to retrieve my stuff. We haven't had any contact for 2 months now.
What should I do? Should I apologize? Would he see that as an intrusion upon his space? Or would he appreciate it? And does his reaction even matter?

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I'm sorry about the double-whammy.
Question for you: What do you want out of this apology you plan to make?
~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
Hi
When I read through this, I thought you might be my ex gf. An apology is too late. It's a way of trying to create false hope and frankly it's a bit manipulative even though you may not see it that way.
If he doesn't respond, you'll be equally anxious. It's kind of cruel actually.
If my ex "apologized" now, I'd see it as further evidence of how conflicted she was.
He's hurt, you need to accept that and work on ensuring you understand better your own inner conflicts. That's the best thing you can do for yourself and for any future partners.
It's over, you need to accept that, grieve this loss and move on. An apology at this point is only going to be picking at scabs and not do anything to change the situation.
If I received an "apology" I would see it as nothing more than a manipulative attempt by my ex to get into my life somehow without actually being a part of it.
I'm so hurt that my ex would jump into another "serious" relationship, then later admit to me that she never tried to work it out with me, but that she didn't want me to believe that she jumped into another serious relationship with another guy. Horrible. Still hurts to think about it and when I see her, like your ex I walk the other way, I leave our club when she walks in and I do what I can to block her out.
Do the right thing and leave him alone, then work on you.
Great question, sandradee. I want him to know that, although we both contributed to our relationship's rise and fall, I want to take responsibility for my half of the actions. I want him to know how deeply sorry I am for my mistakes. I want him to know that I did and still do genuinely love and care about him, and that I'm sorry my actions weren't always consistent with how I felt. I want him to know that, on my end, it wasn't his fault - he simply got caught up in my mess.
I guess knowledge...wanting him to know certain things...is as far as I've gotten. I haven't considered trying to get a response out of him, let alone getting him to want to talk to me, because I thought it would be too demanding.
Hi walawala. Thanks for your honesty. I never thought about it from that point of view, so I really appreciate it. Several comments:
"It's a way of trying to create false hope and frankly it's a bit manipulative even though you may not see it that way."
First, while I wouldn't hide the fact that I still care about him in the letter, I wouldn't be overly emotional or manipulate my words to manipulate him emotionally. Second, false hope assumes he's still hoping for reconciliation. If that was the case, wouldn't he have contacted me by now? It's been 3 months...he might even be totally over this by now. That's the image he projects, anyway. What do you think?
"He's hurt, you need to accept that and work on ensuring you understand better your own inner conflicts."
You're right about that, and I've done nothing BUT ever since. (On top of talking with friends and my own reflection, I think I've read every relationship/self-help book in the library.)
"It's over, you need to accept that, grieve this loss and move on. An apology at this point is only going to be picking at scabs and not do anything to change the situation."
I can accept that what we had was over. Neither of us were completely whole or healthy, so despite the way it ended, the result was probably a blessing in disguise. However, I'm having trouble accepting that I've ruined all chances of us getting on friendly terms in the future. Is there no hope for closure, at the least?
I thought apologies were a good thing? I guess I just don't want him to think, "Wow, look at how well she seems to be doing. She must not be hurting or feel sorry at all, which means she never really loved me." Nothing could be farther from the truth.
"I'm so hurt that my ex would jump into another "serious" relationship..."
I'm really sorry that happened. It sounds like she didn't know what she wanted, and didn't know a good thing when she had it.
If it makes a difference, I've fought to stay single (no rebound) in order to get myself in order. I'm no masterpiece but I've completely transformed into a different person. I wouldn't go back to my old habits.
I wouldn't be surprised if HE is actually getting into another relationship. Like I said, we haven't been in contact for 2 months, so I don't know what he's feeling or thinking. I just have my own intuition, which is a little dangerous, so that's why I'm here getting your input.
But getting back to the apology letter...
If he WAS over it, THEN do you think it'd be okay to apologize? Or do you think it's too risky?
Hi,
I just got a note along these lines from my ex---you can read it above. A few opinions since you asked.
1) You can't assume he's "over it" because he's ignoring you. If he was "over it" then he wouldn't be so strong about NO CONTACT, it just wouldn't matter.
2) 3 months---how can you assume someone would be "over" a relationship in that short a time? Don't assume and don't project. If he's hurt, then those are his feelings and you need to respect that. He doesn't want to hear from you.
What's the purpose of this apology? If he's still in love with you, or getting over you, then any contact is hurtful, manipulative and cruel.
It will only send him back into the place he's trying to get away from--the memories, the break up, the good times, the bad times.
Why not look at your own motivation? Why do you want to apologize? Is this about HIM or about YOUR GUILT? That's something you need to examine more closely.
In the meantime, I suggest you write an apology note and email yourself, save him the added heartache.
My opinion.
Cheers
Gosh, you know, it seems like your heart is in the right place, however, before you go sending the letter, think of it *completely* from your ex's perspective and also consider that although if you do send it you should in no way expect any kind of response, you also DO open the door wide open for him to respond if he likes, and, that response may be "Please leave me alone, I dont want a reminder of this." Or, it could be indifference. He may not care. Could you handle any of those?
One question only because I don't remember: Who broke with whom?
Just think about those things before you make your decision. Apologies and forgiveness are a wonderful thing, and we should always strive for that, just remember that every action does have a consequence. Fault: Unless there was blatant disrespect, abuse, or infidelity, typically in breakups there is no true "fault," only behavior that by its nature and interaction, is either successful or not.
You've gone three months with no contact, depending on how long your relationship was (I don't recall?) and the circumstances of your breakup, it may or may not be long enough by now. You knew him better than any of us. Sometimes we don't know unless we rip off the bandaid, then again, some wounds heal faster that way, when they've been aired.
Best,
~~.: Sandra :.~~
CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
The possibility of hurtful/indifferent responses from his angle is exactly why I haven't already sent him the letter. I'm SO afraid of backsliding. But then again, I know I shouldn't be controlled by fear. And I absolutely believe he deserves an apology.
SHORT BACKSTORY:
To answer your question, I broke up with him. I wince when I say that, because I did it unintentionally, like so many other mistakes I made. Things had been getting tense for the last month...it escalated into one huge fight...I had repressed my pain and anger, thus exploding into hysterics...without thinking, I packed my things (we weren't living together, but close enough) and left.
I tried to take it back, but the damage was done. From then on, neither of us were consistent with our actions and we were catapulted into a game...for me, it was "how do I get him back?" and for him, it was "how can I act indifferent, yet hurt her like she hurt me?
In the following month, he gradually withdrew from me, saying "I still love you" to "I do, yet I don't want to be with you" to "Are you just going to leave things unsaid?". After that, he stopped taking my calls, and then locked me out when I tried to retrieve my stuff.
So, we've been broken up for 3 months, but because of that messy first month, I say that we've been NC for 2 months.
I should mention at this point that we only dated for 5 months. That's hard for me to admit, because that seems to underestimate how intensely we loved each other. Both of us had agreed that neither of us had even been happier. But alas, we had some bad dating habits, and it caused our downfall.
Logically, you'd think that it wouldn't be taking so long for me to get over a relatively short relationship. But 3 months later, I'm still hurting (though much better). I know for a fact that he loved me deeply and was happy, but maybe 3 months is plenty for a man to get over a girl.
At this point, I think I just need to rip off the Band-Aid. I'm going to wait just a little bit longer for some other areas of my life to settle down, but after that, I'm going to send it. Whatever his response, at least I'll know where he stands.
moreorels - i think at the end of the day it depends on two things. are you doing it for the right reasons, ie because you felt that you treated someone badly and you want to acknowledge and apologize for that, and secondly his response should not matter to you. so whether he ignores, gets mad, or is thankful for it, at the end of the day you did what felt right.
a lot of people have given some good advice here, but i'm of the strong belief of having no regrets and doing what feels right in your heart. if this is going to burden your heart and you feel you want to say sorry then do. i wouldn't mind if my ex sent me an apology letter telling me he's sorry for the pain he caused.
i know how people say don't write a letter. well me and my ex semi-broke up and then decided to think about it more. and i always felt that i never got to say what i wanted and express my feelings and thoughts. so i wrote him a letter that was probably the bravest and scariest letter i wrote. it was completely, unmasked all me. told him what i wanted, told him what i thought could change, and told him why i wanted to be with him. and then at the end i asked him to make a choice and told him that whatever he chose he should do with his heart and that i would be fine either way. and although i hoped it would be different, he still chose to not give it any more time. and you know that hurt (still hurts), but at least i knew there was nothing else i wanted to say and i accepted that. i was proud of myself for being so honest for the first time in my life and for taking a risk, even if the risk didn't pay off. it wasn't a pleading letter or a hate letter. it was just an honest, from the heart, this is how i feel.
so although it's a different situation, i feel that whatever comes from the heart will be ok. and you'll feel that you'lve made things right at least for yourself. i can't promise you how he'll react. but just be honest and true and whatever happens happens.
I understand your need to send the letter. I know how hard it has been without contact...YOu feel that they dont care, and that the relationship meant nothing. Me and my ex broke up 3 months ago...well he broke up with me....but before he did i was the one saying maybe we should take a break..things were confusing..then he dumped me...after he did..i gave him 3 days, called him..and i truly expressed my feelings, concerns, heartache, things i would change, how much he meant to me..i was sorry for not putting enough effort into relationship (although different circumstances) i was sick for a while so couldnt really) i poured my heart out, i told him things that i had kept inside of me..i begged him to be with me...i layed it all on the line...where he was the one who always told me how he felt.
I fought for it...i wanted to make it work...i had to call him and let him know my feelings..how much i really loved him...his answer was still no....he did not want to be with me..he was over it.....he was over me...our relationship was ldr for 7 months.....
I was devestated..that was three months ago..but if i hadnt made that one last call telling him how i felt..i would have regretted it to this day..because i tried to give it another chance..i tried (like we all do) to work on things i did wrong. I tried my best and could not say or do anything that would change his mind.
It has been three months..I mean i havent even gotten a text, email...nothing to see if i am feeling better...nothing...i truly saddens me that after going thru that with someone, they can just cut u off completely...some people can do that...
I think if u really want to send the letter, then u should do it..but dont expect anything from it...be prepared to be hurt again..be prepared for what ever his response may be....if u r truly strong enough to handle it, then send it....but just dont get your hopes up..........I really beleive if he (or any of our exs) truly cared, then they would want to work it out..we all make little mistakes, we are human, i truly beleive he wouldnt want to get back at u..or hurt u..he would want to work it out.
send the letter if you want, then let things happen naturally, I really liked what Sandra posted on someones page....the universe has a way of working things out...if you are supposed to cross paths again in the future..it will happen..just let things happen naturally..dont force them... remember..we are all here for you and for eachother!!!
Bella
I'm thinking send it when you feel good enough.
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