34 days NC and he's on a roll, help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
34 days NC and he's on a roll, help me
5
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 10:29pm

ladies and gentlemen of the breakup boards, please weigh in on what you make of the following IMs delivered to my computer screen by my ex on this, the 34th day of NC:

are we ever speaking again?
I'm sure you'll just label it "pathetic," but i really didn't want things to end like this ...
ok, so pathetic it is. Well, all of our BS back and forth aside, I miss my friend. And by that I mean you.

so what do we think, wise breakup board gurus? does this girl entertain conversation with this guy? or does she fight her most natural, hopeful let's-all-love-each-other instinct and keep within the solid walls of Castle NC?

yeah, i'm getting a bit melodramatic. sue me. i'm stressed about this, even though i'd pretty much been predicting.

your thoughts, please. i need you all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 10:32pm
You know what? Everyone has given some very wise advice here and i'm ready to give my own two cents. Be true to yourself. Try to make an objective judgment of what you think is best. You can't have too many regrets if you know you always tried to do what you believe is right. Hope that helps a little!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 10:48pm

Hi there.

I'm going thru a similar situation like you. Mine began on Feb 21st when my ex gf told me that she'd suddenly jumped into a "serious" relationship with some new guy. All my posts on this you can look up. The bottom line to it all was that we had a conflicted relationship full of push-pull. She'd push, then pull. We never actually "broke up" she just sort of withdrew slowly slowly, coming back, then further away. It was like we "dissolved" rather than broke up. Next thing I know...BAM she tells me at the gym she's in a "Serious relationship"---like within a month or weeks or days of us being in close contact. I was stunned, I'm very hurt. She told me about the new guy then said "PLease don't tell anyone..." (of our common friends) Yuck yuck Yuck.

To your note...I also got a note about 2 weeks after a series of back and forth emails. She wrote to let me know of a concert of music we both loved and shared. She ended by saying "You don't need to avoid me. Am I not even worthy to be seen?"

It's manipulative. It shifts the emphasis away from my hurt to her feelings---she feels bad I'm ignoring her when she's with a new guy---see how convuluted that thinking is?

I don't know your full story. But the fact you've had NO CONTACT for 34 days suggests it wasn't a nice break up.

There is a phenomenon defined in Steven Carter's brilliant book on conflicted relationships called "He's Scared, She's Scared" in which he describes the conflicted person who disappears or breaks up suddenly doing a "Curtain call".

This note you describe sounds like a "curtain call". It's driving you crazy thinking about it. It's causing you pain. It's a way of HIM seeking a way back into your psyche.

If he's the one who ended things or it ended badly I suggest you leave it and drop him.

But if you broke up...I think you need to question why that happened and whether having him back is goign to be "different".

Those are some insights, without more information on how it ended,it's hard to give better advice except to say NO CONTACT is a way of YOU getting over things and moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 1:40am

Truthfully, it can only cause you pain if you allow it to. I myself did only a month of solid no contact with my ex, because by the end of that I was much more centered and focused on me. Some things were still painful afterwards, I won't lie, but I had gotten over the hump, the inital shock and devastation. Over the past however many months, we have slowly been building a steady friendship.

No Contact is meant to be a way to find your focus and your center again, not a way of life, and the 60-day "rule"? Made up by a comedy team from a popular TV show who wrote a pretty funny book.

You've gone a month no contact. You're a grown woman in charge of her own life. Do what you want and what you feel is best for you.

Best,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 5:39am

First of all, don't beat yourself up for feeling compassion. This is the way we girls are wired. No matter how much a man has hurt us, we always open our arms again when they come back all tattered and torn. It's OKAY.

Second, only you know him and your situation best. There are a lot of jerks out there who come back not because they love you, but because the "outside world" turned out to be too lonely and cold.

Then again, there are sincere guys out there who really want to make things work. Try to step out of the situation and evaluate this objectively. See it for what it is, not what you want it to be.

In the end, remember that the NC rule was instated to help YOU, not to punish HIM. So do what's best for both parties, with you as the priority.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 2:37pm

I think what you said is what I'd forgotten -- not contacting the other person IS about finding my center....which incidentally makes me think of the old Tootsie roll pop commercial with the wise old owl -- "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie roll pop? (lick) One? (lick) Two? (crunch) Three! It takes three!"

Lol. (Well, at least I find this funny.)