Holiday "Curtain Call"...do I reply?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Holiday "Curtain Call"...do I reply?
9
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 3:54am

Hi All,
Just a note in additional to my previous post. Today I received this note which I'd like to share with you. It's from my ex gf. It threw me for a loop. I can't block emails on my system, so I read it.

It has been a long while eversince we talked last time. I can feel how much
> disappointment and hatred you have left in your heart because of me, the
> situation, and root causes etc. Having hatred is really really bad for
> everything. Now is Easter time and I really hope that everything is best
> with you. I have to load up a lot of courage to write this note because I
> still care about you and really hope that this Easter would bring you some
> new insights that will ease your doubts. Don't ask me why because I don't
> know, just believe that I have no bad intention to harm you and that's all I
> ask for.
>
> Have a great Easter ! God bless you.

Seems to pull at the heart strings, makes me out to be some mean, hating guy when I'm just hurting. Using the Easter/religious positioning seems kind of manipulative, saying it takes "courage" to write this but not having any mention of her new bf, or any offer of a meaningful reconciliation.

I think she just feels bad and she realizes that I am hurting, it's not some put on, which is how she initially treated it.

Do I respond? I'm inclined not to. But I am inclined to say simply that she has a "serious bf" and if she had the "courage" to write this, then she should have had the courage to resolve things with me first. The speed in which she started this while we were still spending time hanging out etc is confusing and hurtful.

Seems if I did that, it would be some fodder for twisting my words around to say I'm Mr. Angry.

But I"m still upset. I'm trying to move on and notes like this with the "I still care" messaging only offer some false hope or create a "reunion fantasy". Is this sincere? Or is this just your typical "curtain call"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 5:32am

"I think she just feels bad and she realizes that I am hurting, it's not some put on..."

That's exactly how I took it. Obviously she is still hurting. Whether it's hurt FOR your or OVER you, that's debatable. I think it's a mix.

So the good news is that I don't think this is fake.

With that said, she may or may not be hoping for reconciliation. It sounds like you're hoping for reconciliation, but since you're still hurting, you need to do what you need to do to protect your heart. Take the note with a grain of salt, don't get caught up in the details (like Easter), and keep healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 5:58am

Hi again,

Yes, and the fact that I haven't responded despite having plenty to say doesn't mean I don't care. That is in response to your previous post.

I think responding would be a set-back. It would make me seem like Mr. Angry at a time when I'm feeling mixed emotions but generally better than 2 weeks ago.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 12:30pm

Of course you shouldn't reply. It's totally manipulative, and her presumptuous-ness (not sure if that's a word!) in talking about hatred to you is really offensive, IMO.

And why haven't you blocked her from emailing you yet? I think you made a passing reference to not being able to--why not exactly? It seems to me that where there's a will there's a way, so it makes me wonder about your will in this.

But for the record, this isn't a curtain call--that would be a plea to get back together. This is just her guilt and need to not have you think of her badly talking.

Shrei

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 4:46pm

No NO NO do not reply.she is trying to hook you in for her own selfish needs...Once you reply to her she will get her "fix" and know you will always be around!! Let her wonder how you are...and to be honest..it is none of her business anymore...let her find closure with herself..she needs to stop trying to drag you into it..you are doing so good...this will be a total setback...she is trying to hook u in to see if she still has the power over you..dont give her that much credit...next!!! :)

Bella

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 7:18pm

Walawala,


I'm going to be kind of blunt, k?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 9:51pm

Hi Carrie,

Of course no offense taken. I appreciate these replies. Insight is often slow. It takes inputs like yours below to help to enlighten and see different perspectives. The benefit of boards like this is that people who have similar experiences and insights can share. Acceptance is the first step towards moving on. Letting go is difficult but I'm healing and better. I'm not "blameless". The Passive CP never is. The Passive CP plays a role in their own hurt. But when one is hurt they immediately look for something to ease their pain. The longer-term reasons for healing that pain can only come through deeper insight, reflection and outside help. Those qualities are also the true meaning behind Easter.

Thanks and a very Happy Easter to you too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 12:21am

It is interesting how our brains work. I'm reading a great book How to Create a Magical Relationship by Ariel & Shya Kane.


This I think describes how the brain/ego can only see things from it's own point-of-view and it's need to 'be right' - from the book:


"In order for you to have the anger stop plaguing you, you will hve to give up being right - right that she shouldn't have left you, right that you are the victim in this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 2:00am

Absolutely correct. Thanks for sharing. Does the book offer any prescriptive advice on how to accept these changes? Any insights to offer?

Cheers!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:58pm
Not this book, unfortunately, because it talks more about 'staying in the moment'.