when did you decide it was over??
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| Sat, 04-07-2007 - 4:54am |
I have been married for 5 years now. For our whole marriage, it seems that I've never been really happy, at least not for a long period of time. We have had financial problems and other problems too. My main problem with him is that I never felt like I could depend on him to take care of me. Not just financially, but emotionally too. For example, I had a miscarriage right when we got married, and then I have suffered from depression, on and off the rest of the marrige. Right now, I'm going thru a bout of depression. I feel like he should be doing more to try and help me. He actually hasn't done anything to help. I feel like I need therapy, but then I don't even have the desire to get out of bed most of the time. It's all I can do to go to work, I surely don't feel like doing something that I absolutly don't have to. I feel like if he were really concerned, he's take me to the doctor himself. Whenever I ask him for advice, most of the time the answer is "I don't know what to tell you babe." It really frustrates me. I feel like we have more of a best friend type relationship. I'm not interested in sex at all. I don't even have the desire to have to make a baby, which is something I've wanted ever since my miscarriage. I just feel like he doesn't do enough in the relationship. I feel like I'm taking care of him, and myself. He recently lost his job because he missed too many days. He missed a total of 7 weeks from June until march. He had surgery recently and missed 3 weeks because of that. I feel like he calls in for the smallest things. Sometimes, I want to tell him "Suck it up and quit being a pus--y." Now we will probably loose a house that we just bought last year, because he isn't bringing in any income to help out. He's been looking for work, but I feel like it's his fault in the first place, because he should not have called in for the little things. I've been a little irresonsible myself and called in when I wasn't really sick, or feeling bad enough to stay home, but I have sick days and got paid for them. My job was not in jeporady.
I don't know what to do. I really dread talking to him about this, because it will start a long argument, but at the same time, I feel like it needs to be done. Also, he had a serious bout with depression a few years ago. He would not go to work, he cried a lot and all it took was two days before I made him an appointment and took him to the doctor. I just feel like I can't depend on him, and if I'm taking care of him like I do myself, why have the burden of the extra work, and not just divorce him? I really don't know what to do. I guess the first thing to do is to make an appointment with a therapist. If we do divorce, we need to go to therapy anyway. We have a covenant marriage, which means that if we decided to divorce, we have to go to marriage counseling for 6 months, and the counselor has to sign a paper every time we go. I'm just so confused. I look for the opportunity to have time away from him, and when I had it recently, I realized I didn't want to be away from him.
I know this may be confusing, as I tend to jump from subject to subject and do not stay much on track. I really don't know what to do. I'm scared to talk to him, because I just dread hurting him, and also because I really don't know what to say.
Any advice will be appreciated.
Thanks,
Jessie

This is exactly the sort of situation that covenant marriage is for. You made the decision when you got married that you didn't want to be able to walk away without any effort if things got hard. Instead of looking at it as a trap, look at it as an opportunity. You are required to do counseling, and maybe that will make things better than they were before.
As for being depressed, you need to take care of that. Ok so he hasn't forced you to see a doctor, have you actually told him that you need help and asked him to make an appointment and take you to the doctor? It's not uncommon for it to be hard for a spouse to understand fully about depression. Even though he's been through it himself, he's not a professional and you can't really expect that he should be able to know what advice to give you about such things. You need to try to communicate better what your needs are. It's also not a good idea to be thinking about life-changing events in the middle of a depression. If you manage to get that treated, you may get a whole new perspective on things.