No contact not working for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
No contact not working for me
12
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 8:27pm

6 weeks ago my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. Two weeks ago I decided that I needed to try No contact and I broke off contacting him, and told him that I can not be friends with him right now because everytime we talk it breaks my heart. He said ok, that he will not bother me anymore and if I change my mind he will be there....

Two weeks later and I feel still as horrible as I did before. I feel as though my soul has been ripped in two, and that I have this uncontrollable emptiness inside of me. I have tried to go out with my friends at least once a weekend, and it doesn't help, I just sit there TRYING to have a good time and all I want to do is cry. There hasn't been a day that has gone by in the past two months that I haven't bawled uncontrollably. I feel like my soulmate has been ripped from me and that I am this empty shell of who I was, and that my friends see past my "cheery exterior" that I try to do when hanging out when inside I feel horrible. I know that alot of you will say/think "You don't need someone else to complete you/make you happy" etc. But I felt like he did...I felt and still feel like we are meant to be and it kills me that we aren't trying to work it out. I know that he needs to want it too and right now he doesn't and I am willing to put in the time, but right now it hurts so much. I am so depressed and all my strength goes into NOT contacting him, to text a "Hi" or today to im him "Happy Easter"...I thought that No contact would make me happier, that seeing the "X" on the calendar on each day that I don't talk to me would make me feel proud but it only makes me sader, that each day is a day more that he isn't in my life....God I miss him so much...And I am scared because I am going up to his town next weekend (We did LD relationship for months), and it has nothing to do with him, but I am so scared because I am so beaten by this. I dunno, I just needed to put this all down...I am so scared to even think about getting into another relationship...and I still feel like it I am cheating on him everytime I think about going out and meeting new guys, that I am giving up on believing that we will be together in time...I dunno...I just need him to hold me.

Any advice or words of comfort woud be greatly appreciated. I read the messages on here all the time and it's comforting to know that I am not as alone as I feel in how I feel. Good luck to all you out there too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2007
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 9:13pm

hi

Im going through exactly the same thing at mo and its horrible. I broke up 3 weeks ago and have been in NC for two weeks. Its good that you are pushing yourself to see your friends even though you dont fee like it. I have those days too but then like today i just end up wallowing. The fact you remained in contact for a good few weeks after the break up probably is the main reason you are finding it so hard at the mo, but its understandable because its hard to initially let go. As the weeks go by i promise it will get easier. I miss my ex like crazy as well but everytime i feel like contacting him i think about what i will get out of it- not a lot.

I was in an LDR as well but fortunatly i have no other reason to go back there. Its gonna be hard for you but you can prepare yourself, are you taking a friend with you? that could help.

No contact helps because it eventually stops you associating everyday life with your ex. its a dettachment necessary to heal. Dont beat yourself up about the crying its normal just a release. Make sure you talk to friends and family as well when things get too much.

I know its all very well saying these things but the key is to just take it a day at a time, thats what im doing otherwise i just feel overwhelmed.

good luck to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 9:25pm

"its the detachment necessary to heal"


ITA.


It so sucks, REALLY REALLY sucks, but it's part of the natural grieving process. :(

SarahSept06PG.jpg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 10:28pm

oh mz, reading your post just brought me back 3 yrs ago. i'm currently getting over a break up now too, but this is nothing compared to what i went through 3 yrs ago with who i also thought was my soulmate. i'm going to be honest with you and tell you that it hurt. for a long time. for us it was a little different because we broke up due to cultural differences (his family would never accept me) but it felt like you're feeling now. that my heart was being ripped apart and that i was in limbo pretending to be cheerful and that just the thought of dating someone else felt like cheating. NC didn't work out that well for us (since in a way we were helping each other get over it) and we ended up still being good friends. however, what i will tell you is that it DOES get better. no matter how horrible you feel now, no matter how much you feel your heart is breaking, no matter how you feel like you'll never be happy again unless he's on your side, i'm living proof (and many others on this board are too) that it WILl happen. you WIll feel better, you will start mending and healing. it'll take time, but you'll get there.

for right now, yes take it each day at a time. that's all we're all doing. NC will help you refocus a bit on yourself. and be sad if you feel like it and cry. but don't let it take over your life. talk to your friends about it. you'll be surprised how your loved ones will get you through this and support you all the way.

all the best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 10:41pm
hey girl... i am right there with you and just wanted to let you know that i really do feel your pain. sometimes it's helpful to know that you're not alone and other people care. i just went through a break-up about a month ago, and it's so hard to relate with the people around me right now because all i want to do is cry. i've not been very good at going cold turkey with "no contact", and everytime he actually calls me back it's like there is a little bit of hope that things will go back to the way they were before, but that hope always gets crushed. i really think it is better to not even go there, but i understand that it is easier said than done. i've had to turn my phone off and leave it in another part of my house so i won't be tempted to call him, you might try that. hopefully after a while it will get easier and you can resist the urge, but until then just know that you are not alone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 10:48pm

Hi mz. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I am in week 5 of my breakup and week 3 of NC. I have cried everyday too, so don't feel too bad about it! Keep up your no contact and just don't give up hope that you WILL feel better. Let yourself be sad if you need to be sad, and cry if you need to cry, but don't give up on feeling better. Today is the first day in 5 weeks that I haven't cried (so far!).

Here's some tips of things that have helped me. Keep hanging out with your friends and family and shift the love you had for him onto them, shift it into appreciating their support in your time of need. Something i've stared thinking lately is that you know, I loved my ex. I still have love for my ex. But he is a different person now. I think it's fair to say that the person you loved loved you back and wanted to be with you. The person your ex is now is not those things. Try thinking of the person you loved and your ex as different people. Grieve over the person you lost, but know that he is GONE. You want to be with a person who wants to be with you and loves you back, but that person is gone. I hope you understand what i'm saying and I hope it helps you a little. It has helped me a lot. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 11:45pm

*sigh*


Thats what I'm doing right now. My phone is off and stuffed under the baby's crib mattress so I won't call him.


This really really sucks. My stronghold I've held onto all day is slipping away...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 12:31am

Hi,
I totally feel your pain and its just gonna take time. It will improve!! I have been broken up for almost a year and on month 3 of NC. I mean "no contact"...its like this break up lingo that i didnt even know exsisted before this happened. But i realize its like so important in the process. I mean a break up is just life altering in everyway and you have to cry. I seriously recommend therapy. It really helped because she made me see things about him that i didnt want to realize and you really just have to do anything and everything that can help you through this.

Truthfully, I am not totally over it. I still need more time. But its much better than it was 6 months ago. I come to ivillage for support all the time but three months of NC after a 6 year RL i mean it makes me feel so much better to just get rid of it. Move forward....new life. Dont go backward. Those are some things that i think about to remind myself that I am doing the right thing and that he is no longer part of my life and that is for the best. He didnt want me and I don't want him anymore. I know I deserve better and so do you.

I think its so true when they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You will change--im tougher now i dont take crap from anyone and I say what I think all the time. I just have become a stronger person in my life and it takes so much courage to get through something like this but you CAN DO IT.

Lean on your friends. Try to embrace the freedom of being single and focus on you!!
Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 10:38am
I feel your pain. I tried NC for 9 days once and he contacted me and I crumbled. After that we talked all the time. Thursday I kind of came to a head and we've not been talking since, so its 4 days and I know I don't want to call him but I'm afraid of what's going to happen when he calls me?
Good for you for getting out, but really don't force yourself. I tried doing that a few times, friends would drag me out and then wonder why I sat there staring off into space and biting back tears. I go when I feel like it. Mostly I feel like it but the second I get out I'm like "I have to get out of here! Too many people - men - with hands, and eyes! FREAK OUT!" Then I would go home and want to call him, I wouldn't but I would think about what he's doing and if he's missing me.
I'm LDR too so its crazy hard because all I want to do is sit down in a room with him face to face and hash it all out. Maybe kick him in the shins.
But sometimes people help. The right people. The wrong people just make everything worse but when you find the right people to talk to, talk. It helps to just vocalize it.
It also helps to write it down. Write him letters you will never send, or maybe one day you will send. But just get it down and out and sit and reflect on it. Try therapy. I did. I went twice and the therapist was 'facinated about how my mind works' and doesn't 'think I really need to be there' but I can come back anytime I want. Sure for him its free money, he doesn't have to do anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 2:21pm
I know your pain as well. I did no contact for a week and then he crumbled and talked to me. He kept contacting me, so I told him every time he did contact me that "I needed more time and that I would contact him when I was ready." He finally let me have my peace for a few days. One week later.... He contacts me again and everyday afterwards. It was beginning to wear on me. I had already told him that I didn't want contact for awhile, but I was too weak to tell him I still needed time. He wouldn't listen. SO I let him talk to me for four days. By that point, I had moved on from wanting the relationship, but when I talked to him, I got sad again. It was a trend that I noticed. I still missed him and I still do, but for my own sake, I have to have that period of no contact. So I told him last Wednesday that I still needed more time and that he needed to respect my wishes this time. I was tired of him disrespecting me left and right. It just showed me how selfish he was and completely turned me off to him. It helped me move on even more. Well, he hasn't contacted me since and I feel really really great. Happy again! I also realized that I need to keep going both for me and him. He depended on me way too much for support and he needs to start depending on himself. I won't always be there. I will be his friend eventually, but I have my own life to worry about. I still have all sorts of hopes and dreams. Yeah, I miss him ALOT, but I know this is for the best. I think it bothers the crap out of him that Im moving on and not contacting him. Maybe he's trying to test me to see if I mean it when I say I don't want contact... or maybe he just still cares. But it doesn't matter what the reason is anymore. I can sit around and analyze it, but then... it would consume my thoughts.... WHICH HE DOESNT DESERVE. Yes, no contact hurts.... like hell. But I notice that everyday I don't talk to him... I'm happier than the day before. It does get better. Yes, you go through a few weeks of stagnant pain, but then your mind starts conditioning itself for happiness. I did everything to get that happiness. I talked about it non-stop, I wrote in a journal, I went to a counselor... Now, I'm moving on like a freight train. You can too. Just keep gong... have enough willpower to not contact him and when you are weak, go do something else. Go to the bookstore or a walk without your phone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2007
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 9:47pm

Thanks everyone,

Today was better, maybe I was just hardcore PMSing (haha) yesterday on top of it being the weekend and a holiday. It's still tough, and I miss him terribly, but thank goodness I have a job that takes my mind off of him during the week. Good luck everyone! And I will let you know if I run into him this weekend, hopefully not, I am stearing clear of his work TRUST ME.

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