Broke up and need to vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Broke up and need to vent
3
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:21pm

Everything had been going fine for the past 2 1/2 months. My boyfriend and I started with dating and eventually moved onto spending most of out weekends togather. He wanted to move a little faster than I did, but we eventually found a good rhythm. We talked about doing things together in the near future. Everything was going good. Well at least that's what I thought until friday.

After hanging out a bit on friday he admitted to me that we needed to have 'a talk'. Even though he thought that I am funny, smart, attractive, yada-yada he just doesn't 'see a future.' 'It seems so casual and I don't see myself ever falling in love.' He wanted to save my feelings, because he can tell I am starting to have them and he isn't. And he didn't know why because he couldn't find (or admit to) anything wrong with me. I was him, not me he said. Which left me pretty heartbroken. Despite that he seemed to still care and want to be friends, but I knew it would hurt me too much to remain friends.

During the relationship he talked about his ex's and horror stories about them. Several of them screwed with his head. One of them actually moved in with an ex, told him they weren't getting back together and then eventually broke up with him to get back together with the ex. They judged him, yelled at him and generally made him miserable. He complained because most of his past lovers were selfish. He was very surprised because I am so laid back and caring and not like those people. Anyway, point being, he claims that he doesn't want a relationship like the ones in the past and then he broke up with me. I just think he's going to end up in the same place as before. My friends all think he's a fool and I shouldn't care.

I'm still pretty bummed. But it feels better to get it out. Right now I'm debating whether I should tell him that I think he's going to end up sabotaging himself. I think it will give me closure if I do and I still have the faint glimmer of hope that maybe I can save this if he'll listen to me. I haven't spoken to him since friday and I miss him.

x-neko.gif picture by alleycat_lady

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:48pm
Write a letter (or email) DONT send it, wait another week and see how you feel. Sometimes I do think you need to have a "final say" about something if it will help YOU move on, but normally just writing it out and letting it sit there for awhile you'll look back and think "glad I didnt send that".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 3:30pm

hmm...well his words to you seem to be a direct quote of what my ex told me 3 weeks ago. to the letter. to the "i don't see myself falling in love with you" (which hurt. a LOT). only difference is that i was also having doubts about the relationship but i liked him so much and had so much fun with him that i thought with time things may or may not change and was willing to give it time. but he wasnt. we dated for 5 months. and like you he wanted to move a little faster at the beginning too than i wanted to but we ended up finding our pace.

my advice to you...let it go. he's not going to listen or rationalize this. i tried doing the same, the oh if i only phrase it this way he'll see. but it seems like he's made his decision. he may still text or call you but i think it'll be more because as you said he wants to stay friends. he may regret this or he may not, and he might come back but the only thing that you can do now is be happy for the great times you had together and try to move on. it'll be hard (and you'll miss him every step of the way - i still miss him so much all the time!). but slowly it'll happen. you don't want to be with someone who doesnt see themselves falling in love with you. you want to be with someone who wants to sweep you off your feet.

you know it's funny, i think guys like your and my ex, seem to like drama. so when they end up with normal, caring, sweet girls it's amazing at first to be with something that different than all their past crazies, and they love it. they think that's the person that they should be with. but deep down, i dont think they are emotionally ready or available. i think they both have a lot of growing up to do to realize what they're losing by letting us go. but we can't be there to help them grow up. they have to figure it out for themselves. and we just have to move on and hope that the next guy that comes around is ready to appreciate all that we are and cherish the fact that they are lucky enough to be with us.

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 5:58pm
And you know I have several guy friends who claim to be the 'nice guys' who never get any of the nice girls to go out with them because nice girls all fall for bad guys. Then the same 'nice guys' always fall in love with the most complicated, needy, fake women. What is up with guys?

x-neko.gif picture by alleycat_lady