how do you know when its time to go??
Find a Conversation
how do you know when its time to go??
| Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:08am |
Hi, I'm new here and I have a question for you all!
Okay, I am 22 years old and have been married for almost 3 years. Yes, I got married very young! My husband is 21. We have a 1 1/2 year old son together as well. My question is- How do you know when it's over? I mean, I feel in my heart that it is....I am NOT in love with him at all and I feel that we are definitely more like brother/sister and room mates/best friends. We still get along great for the most part, the thing is- there is no love, passion or romance there. I don't even want to have sex with him anymore. He still does, but I have NO desire with him. He gained a little weight since we've been married, and that is a factor in it. I don't think he can/will lose weight even if he wanted to, because heaviness is something that runs highly in his family. Besides, I don't think he really wants to give up eating. I know he feels the same way I do. We talked about this whole situation a couple weeks ago. I told him that I feel more like we're room mates and that I didn't know if I was "in love" with him anymore...He said he felt the same way. Of course we will always love eachother and have that special bond through our son, but we are no longer "in love". I have been antsy lately to get back out into the dating world and have fun again. I feel that I am wasting my time in this marriage. I am CONTENT, yet not HAPPY. Is there more to marriage than just being content? Or am I just being a hopeless romantic? Would it be smarter just to stay with the man I am with, as we have a son together, and we do get along okay for the most part, just don't have too much in common and definitely not in love. Can we fall BACK in love? At this point, I definitely feel that it is a hopeless cause. The problem is- I don't really WANT to try anymore. I just want to start a new life, a new beginning. I feel that we got married really young and didn't really experience with dating other people and really LIVING. I feel tied down now. Don't get me wrong, I will always put my son first, even if I am single, but I just want to have fun again!
Does anyone have any advice for me out there? My family keeps telling me that we should try to work on our marriage...when I don't even know if I WANT to put forth the effort to work on it really....I don't want to. Is that so wrong?? Would I be wrong to separate/divorce him? I feel that we could get along well as friends and co-parents. We are just not "meant to be" ...and I feel that if I stay with him, I could possibly be denying myself, and him, in finding our true better halves. I have been feeling "out of love" with him for over a year now, so this is not something that sprang up overnight, either!
I just feel guilty, and I don't want to regret divorcing him in the future, but I really want to be happy now! I really don't feel that anything we do will bring back that "spark"...am I being naive? could the "spark" really come back?
Any advice at all is greatly appreciated! Thank you!!
Okay, I am 22 years old and have been married for almost 3 years. Yes, I got married very young! My husband is 21. We have a 1 1/2 year old son together as well. My question is- How do you know when it's over? I mean, I feel in my heart that it is....I am NOT in love with him at all and I feel that we are definitely more like brother/sister and room mates/best friends. We still get along great for the most part, the thing is- there is no love, passion or romance there. I don't even want to have sex with him anymore. He still does, but I have NO desire with him. He gained a little weight since we've been married, and that is a factor in it. I don't think he can/will lose weight even if he wanted to, because heaviness is something that runs highly in his family. Besides, I don't think he really wants to give up eating. I know he feels the same way I do. We talked about this whole situation a couple weeks ago. I told him that I feel more like we're room mates and that I didn't know if I was "in love" with him anymore...He said he felt the same way. Of course we will always love eachother and have that special bond through our son, but we are no longer "in love". I have been antsy lately to get back out into the dating world and have fun again. I feel that I am wasting my time in this marriage. I am CONTENT, yet not HAPPY. Is there more to marriage than just being content? Or am I just being a hopeless romantic? Would it be smarter just to stay with the man I am with, as we have a son together, and we do get along okay for the most part, just don't have too much in common and definitely not in love. Can we fall BACK in love? At this point, I definitely feel that it is a hopeless cause. The problem is- I don't really WANT to try anymore. I just want to start a new life, a new beginning. I feel that we got married really young and didn't really experience with dating other people and really LIVING. I feel tied down now. Don't get me wrong, I will always put my son first, even if I am single, but I just want to have fun again!
Does anyone have any advice for me out there? My family keeps telling me that we should try to work on our marriage...when I don't even know if I WANT to put forth the effort to work on it really....I don't want to. Is that so wrong?? Would I be wrong to separate/divorce him? I feel that we could get along well as friends and co-parents. We are just not "meant to be" ...and I feel that if I stay with him, I could possibly be denying myself, and him, in finding our true better halves. I have been feeling "out of love" with him for over a year now, so this is not something that sprang up overnight, either!
I just feel guilty, and I don't want to regret divorcing him in the future, but I really want to be happy now! I really don't feel that anything we do will bring back that "spark"...am I being naive? could the "spark" really come back?
Any advice at all is greatly appreciated! Thank you!!

Welcome to the board taytertott,
If you were both willing to work on it, the spark could come back.
I'm just going to be blunt here cause I really see no other way:
So you fall in love, get married, have a child, fall out of love, want a divorce - all within the span of 3 short years? Great planning though.
Are you honestly unable to tell how you are going to feel from say one month/year to the next? Agreed, feelings change, situations change but a marriage - one enters knowing that this is how you feel about a person, and will continue to feel at least for a REALLY REALLY long time, irrespective of what ELSE goes on in life. And to compound the situation with a child? Really, in this decision to leave, how many people are you really thinking about?
Perhaps what you need to ask yourself is what are your expectations from life. If you are looking for the "spark" I can tell you that no one on this board can "guarantee" you of a spark. In no long term relationships are there any kind of "sparks", atleast not the kind you seem to refer to. How many people on this board do you hear saying they miss their exs cause of the sex? or they miss him cause they have no "spark" left in life? It's not the spark that we are missing. It's the person, however flawed, it's the companionship.
And sex is definitely over-rated. It's the intimacy that counts. Do you even realise how rare and beautiful that is?
Your post seems to suggest, the reason you fell out of love is because your husband put on a few pounds. Do you even know what a *marriage* is? If these are the sort of reasons you want to walk out on someone - perhaps you should have had that in your marriage contract - if spouse puts on a couple of more pounds I will leave. To me it just confirms, that you really did not know what you were in for, when you married this man.
Perhaps you should ask yourself what you want from life really. Yes it does sound like you got married young, when you did not know what you wanted. But question is : do you know NOW? And will walking out on this marriage, getting back into the dating world - do you really expect to find a man who will love you, not put on a few pounds and someone with whom you will always have that SPARK? If THAT's what you expect - you aren't going to get it!!
If you are just bored with life, as you seem to be - look for fulfillment elsewhere. There are PLENTY of ways to seek happiness and satisfaction, not necessarily in another man's arms. Better your job, your career, your future prospects. There are so many things to do. This won't just be a "break-up" it will be a DIVORCE. It's no small thing.
Anyway, good luck to you and whatever you decide. But remember, grass is always greener on the otherside and sometimes it just makes more sense to take better care of the garden we live in.
Well. I can honestly saw I've almost been in your shoes, although without a child. (Which does make things different, I realize.)
I got divorced last year from my husband of almost two years, who I had been with three years before that. I married very young as well, at 21. My marriage didn't work out for various reasons, but I too lost the kind of feeling I think you need to have to be able to stay married for any length of time. My husband felt more like a brother to me than a partner. I think any successful relationship *has* to have love, lust, and friendship. Sometimes more of one than the other two, but you have to have all three. Ours had just turned into friendship, I think. My fault and his.
Make no mistake, it was the hardest decision of my life to get divorced. I always was the kind of person who frowned upon the divorce rate, thought you should try to make it work no matter what, etc. But you know what? Sometimes you have to look hard at yourself, and just admit that you were wrong. About yourself, about the other person, about what you thought you could change or live with. And my thought was, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life trying to pretend anymore. And I'm not going to waste any more of my husband's time pretending either.
You have a child, so obviously, that complicates things. I really think you should go to couples or individual counseling before you think of doing anything. This really helped me clarify things. And sometimes things work, sometimes they don't.
Don't let anyone try to lecture or judge you. Only you have lived your life. And only you can make yourself happy, now or in the future.