What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
What should I do?
8
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 1:42pm
I'm on day 27 on NC and suddenly i'm more upset than I ever was except for when we first broke up 6 weeks ago. I've been sobbing the past three days because i've been thinking about all the mistakes I made in my relationship with my ex because I was stupid and inexperienced. I feel so strongly like I want to apologize to my ex for the things I feel I did wrong. In a way I want to do it in hopes that maybe we'd get back together, but on the other hand I really want to do it also because I feel like my ex pretty much hates me and I truly want to tell him i'm sorry and that I didn't mean to do the hurtful things I did to him. I feel just awful about some of the ways I acted when we were together and I want to at least try to get his forgiveness. I tried writing a letter (not to be sent) and I don't know if it really helped. I'm just feeling extrememly guilty and like a terrible person and I don't want my ex to think of me as a bad person. Anybody have any idea what I should do? If I shouldn't contact him to apologize than what can I do to feel better about this whole situation? Any help is appreciated, thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 2:10pm

What always helped me in these times was to write it out, then do a small ritual where I burned the letter I had written, while saying a little prayer asking God to help me let it go. It's very cleansing. I promise you will feel better afterwards.

Instead of calling him, writing to him, or even apologizing to him (especially in the emotional state you're in now-- I guarantee it would totally backfire on you) write what you feel you did wrong, and write out explicitly how you will ensure you will never let it happen in any of your relationships ever again.

Then forgive yourself.

Hugs,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do


CL-Understanding Men

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 4:08pm

Thanks for the advice. The letter I wrote earlier made me feel better for about 5 minutes, then I called my mom and she told me I was being too hard on myself. Either way, I feel better at the moment. It seems like when I have intense emotional outbursts like this, the hardest part isn't knowing what to do, but convincing myself to do it. I KNEW I shouldn't call him, but I had to come up with reasons not to. For my own future reference, me, my best friend, and my mom came up with these. Maybe someone else will need them too, or can use the same idea.

1. He already knows i'm sorry for the things I did to hurt him. I told him I was sorry when we broke up. Maybe I didn't say sorry for the specific things i'm thinking about right now, but if I apologized now, I would just be saying the same things in a different way.
2. He didn't mention the things i'm feeling guilty about in his reasons for us breaking up. I have no reason to believe or assume that these things I feel bad about are even an issue for him. In fact, I shouldn't make ANY assumptions about how he feels. (That always makes me feel worse.) As far as I know, the things that are bugging me so much may not even have entered his mind.
3. I am very emotional still. I have no idea how he would respond to my apology, if he would even speak to me at all. Moreso, I have no idea how I would react to his response, and it's much safer for me to just sit on it for now. (Zen of doing nothing type of thing!)
4. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. I shouldn't be so negative as to assume that I will never have a chance to apologize. I shouldn't count on it, but I shouldn't deny the possibility that maybe there will be a chance for me to apologize at a time where I can do so more objectively and with less emotional instability. If I allow for this possibility, i'm not putting so much "now or never" pressure on myself.
5. I really shouldn't be so hard on myself. I am not a terrible person and I didn't mean to hurt him intentionally. I was doing the best that I knew how at the time. The important thing is that I am growing from this experience and will be a better person in my future relationships. I can make up for the pain I may have caused my ex in a way by not repeating the same mistakes with others. In ANY situation the best apology is action, not words. Even if I never speak to my ex again, I can atone for my mistakes by changing my actions in future situations. If I become a better person because of it, than the hurt I may have caused my ex will not have been in vain because some good will have come out of it.

Next time i'm feeling guilty I will come read this list. Writing it has made me realize how weird I am, lol, because I always try to apply logic to emotions which are by nature not really logical. Sometimes working through emotions logically helps, sometimes it doesn't. In the case of this list though, I think it has helped. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 8:47pm

hey jujubeenie. i was sad to see you in pain today. i think your list definitely will help. but one thing though. you said that you don't think that the things that worry you the most and that make you feel guilty are even things he thinks about. sweetie the problem here is that you're not forgiving yourself. sure you made mistakes, we all do. but you realized what those are and you even apologized to him. i'm sure he knows you're sorry. you have to focus on letting those go and just tell yourself that you'll learn from them and move on. this will only make you a better person both for you and for the next lucky guy that comes your way. but don't dwell on them. try to focus instead on the now, and the future. you have your whole life to be this new, stronger, better person. you will be fine, i know it.

hope you're feeling better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 1:24am
Thanks for the encouragement. These boards do help a lot. I think you're probably right that i'm really having a harder time forgiving myself than worrying about his forgiveness. I've just been feeling so awful lately that it's hard to see, and I felt like I was back at square one. It's so frustrating, but maybe it's just that a breakup involves so many different issues that sorting them all out takes time. I'm hoping the intense pain that hit me recently was just another step in the healing process.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:51pm

Jujubeenie,

Holy cow, when I read your post, I thought you were me and I'd somehow posted again under another name! If you read my previous post (It's in the archives, posted 2 weeks ago...the subject was "Should I apologize?"), I was going through the EXACT same situation as you. I was agonizing over the mistakes I'd made in the relationship, struggling whether to apologize and how. I think the responses to my post will help you tremendously.

Only you can decide what to do, but for me, I decided that: (1) Yes, apologizing was the right thing to do, but (2) I was not ready, and would wait until I was.

My mother has told me never to make a major decision when you're emotional. I made the devastating mistake of breaking up with my ex when I was emotional. I've learned my lesson; so now I want to treat myself and him with respect by waiting until I can apologizing without being bogged down by emotions. I'll know I'm ready when I can apologize without expecting anything return, and when I can hold my head up high whether he responds positively or negatively.

Keep me and the rest of us posted. I'm encouraged to know that someone out there is going through exactly what I am. And hang in there. We will be just fine!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 12:40am

Hi, I do remember your post! I definitely read it, but I was in a different state of mind then. I remember your situation was that you broke up with your ex and then he broke up with you, correct? I think you have more of a right to apologize in your case. I would relish an apology from my ex! My ex broke up with me and then abruptly stopped contacting me, so I don't think apologizing to my ex will be as helpful for me or him. Plus I think I really wanted to apologize for myself to feel better, not for him. I can't feel too bad for not apologizing, because if he really wanted an apology from me, I think he would seek it out. It's me who really needs to feel absolved, and I'm trying to forgive myself. My ex was my first serious relationship, and I think a lot of the mistakes I made were just because of inexperience. Anyway, I guess what i'm trying to say is that if he doesn't feel he needs to speak to me, he probably doesn't need my apology, and to try and contact someone to apologize who doesn't talk to me is probably going to 1) come across as pathetic and 2) just end up hurting me. Honestly, I don't think it's "pathetic" that I realize mistakes i've made and want to convey my regret, but i've got an image to maintain! ;) And again, who knows, maybe i'll have the chance to apologize to a receptive party in a less emotionally charged environment someday. But for now it's not the right choice.

P.S. I agree, it is immeasurably comforting knowing that other people are having the same feelings and going through the same things. It really makes you feel that you will get through it because other people are getting through it too, and that you're not a freak for feeling all these wacky emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:01am

Hi!

I wonder if my ex feels this same way. I'm not fully aware of your situation, but it sounds like you broke up with him? Is this correct?

Either way, from someone on the other end of this, let me share with you what I'm feeling so you can better understand what I'm going to suggest.

Yes, I hate my ex. I see her all the time now and look past her. I hate how she treated me at the end, how she disrespected me, and how she moved on so quickly.

She's written a few notes talking about how sorry she is and how I shouldn't hate her.

Her contact has two effects on me: 1) makes me feel worse, it's a mixed message, I feel a twinge of hope that we might actually reconcile. But I know that's not possible so then I feel awful 2) I hate her even more for not wanting to actually work on getting back together. So I see these notes as more about her than about me.

Now let's talk about you. Forgiveness is not something you get from someone unless they want to give it. He's hurt, he's angry and any contact right now is not good for him.

If you do truly care for him, then decide what you want. If you're serious about wanting to do something, then find way to demonstrate that---perhaps couples counselling? If you don't want to get back together, then please, consider his feelings and leave him alone to grieve the loss and move on. It's the best thing for him.

Trust me, I know my ex feels bad. But her feeling bad isn't good enough for me. Nothing she could say or do right now would change what's happened. Let him grieve, don't torture him by re-opening old wounds.

I did speak to my ex last Monday following her note. I asked: "Is there somethign you want to say to me or do we have anything to talk about?" She waffled and stumbled, then said she'd "Collect her thoughts" and get back to me. That was a week ago. I saw her today at the gym. She sat near me on the bikes. She's NEVER don't that in 2 months. I hate it. I couldn't move because I was mid-workout but was surprised and didn't look over again.

My emotional health has suffered terribly these past 2 months. Any contact is painful. Please take these words to heart. Find a way to grieve your own loss without him unless you have the courage to get the help your relationship needed. Maybe talking to a professional about what your feeling might be something to consider. It's a good way to help work through the reasons you feel this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 2:40pm
Thansk for the input, but no, I didn' break up with him, he broke up with me. Which probably just makes it even crazier that I want to apologize to him for my mistakes. As of now i'm just working on getting closure from myself. Although I might like to have it, I know I don't NEED his fogiveness to move on, especially since he abruptly stopped speaking to me!