I've been replaced?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
I've been replaced?
11
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 1:45pm
I figured my ex would feel bad for breaking my heart sometime, but I haven't seen any signs of that. The only thing he has shown me is that he hates me. He has told people insulting things about me, and I have recently found out that he is dating one of my friends. Obviously the girl and I are no longer friends, but in a plot to make me miserable, the two of them flaunt it my face just to hurt me, and It's working.

She says they are in "love". This girl moved out of her long term boyfriends' apartment and then started "hanging out" with my ex THREE days later! On an online profile of hers, it has their picture up with a caption that reads "I love him so much!"

My ex has never used his xanga account, but all of a sudden he sends me a request to be one of his friends, and when I viewed his page, it says "I was in a horrible relationship, and was miserable for so long..... but have now met someone that has become very special to me..." and all of these other good things pertaining to my ex-friend, and then horrible comments about me, and how bad I treated him.

How can they "Love" eachother after both getting out of serious relationships? I can't stand the fact that I lost my boyfriend to this girl I thought was my friend. And the fact that they are dangeling it in my face is just wrong. Him loving this girl that he has known for not even a month is just ridiculous. Its haunting me that he could be happy with her, but I couldnt make him happy, and he barley knows her! Is this really happening to me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 2:28pm

Ok, here's the thing: He broke up with you a year ago. It's actually quite understandable that he would have moved on by now. What's not healthy is that you haven't budged an inch. Don't worry about that ex-friend, karma will kick her ass in the end. I'm concerned with you-- you're, I believe, dangerously close to obsessing how to still get him back when he's made absolutely zero indication that that is something he wants. You're still focused completely on him, instead of on you, and that is a recipe for disaster. Focus on YOU.

I've listed your earlier posts here so others can catch up and offer informed advice.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking/?msg=22525.1

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking/?msg=22621.1

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking/?msg=22641.1

You are giving him SO much power over you. You must be the one to take that back, and oh by the way, quit handing it to him by falling for his traps. You keep opening the door for him to hurt you and it's now become a game to him, stop playing his sick games.

Have you started again on No Contact with him? If anyone needs to, you do. It will hurt for a while, but I promise you will feel better after, stronger, more in control of yourself.

If you haven't tried the things I outlined in my post to you (below) , start now. I don't make this stuff up. ;)
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking/?msg=22641.4

Hugs,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do


CL-Understanding Men

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 2:45pm

When people (plural as it applies to your case) play a game to purposely hurt another, I can assure you that in the long run, the people who lose the most are those who start the game and keep it alive.

You have to step back and ask yourself, what is your ex really achieving with the game he is playing? Does the games he play reflect someone who is ready to jump full-force into a new relationship with a new partner, or are they indicitive of someone who is still trying to keep the past alive? I hope you can see the latter is the situation you are in right now; otherwise, there would be no contact with you, directly or indirectly.

It sounds as though your ex is using the ending of your relationship as an ego-booster; something to draw attention to himself, and something to make you feel bad about yourself in the process, and perhaps to provoke a reaction out of you. He sounds like a real catch!

Though it must be very hurtful to know your former best friend is now with your former boyfriend, bare in mind no all relationships last forever, especially those that start off fast or on the re-bound. Knowing how you are being treated right now, keep in mind that when it's her turn to be this guy's "ex", she is likely going to endure the same games you are facing now. It's the old "what goes round comes round" rule... she might be having a giggle right now, but at some point, it will come back to haunt her.

There is no value in contact with either of these people, so there is nothing to stop you from blocking all ways they can get in touch with you (email, phone, messages sent via other people, etc.) Instead of focusing on their "supposed" happiness together and the games they are playing, set your standards higher and do what you need to do to move on with your own life.

And whatever you do, don't respond to the "friends request" your ex sent. He's just trying to provoke a negative reaction to make sure his game to upset you is working.

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 2:50pm

I gotta say, I totally agree with Sandra.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 3:01pm

Whoa... though my perspective and advice remains the same, I didn't have the benefit of reading through your past posts regarding your ex when I responded to your more recent one.

If your relationship with your ex ended about a year ago, you should DEFINITELY have the no contact rule in place by now, and accept responsibility for enforcing it.

No contact might not change how you feel, but it would keep this guy where he belongs... out of reach from you, so you can start the process of moving on with your life. It's obvious your ex has done the same - he's with someone new, and though that person happens to be your former best friend, the fact remains he is in a new relationship.

The choice is up to you - leave the door open, or close it for good? Be happy with your own life, or hold on to something which clearly has been making you unhappy for quite some time? Hope things will change, or accept things as they are?

I hope to read a post from you soon that let's us know you have 1) changed your email address (and blocked his and hers just incase they learn what it is); 2) closed your old email account (and don't go back and check it every so often, "just in case" he wrote; 3) changed your phone number(s), and most importantly...

4)realized that though breaking up (and all the BS that sometimes comes with it) is hard to do, but moving on and living the best life you can on your terms is the sweetest and most satisfying revenge of all...

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 3:15pm

First off, I would like to thank everyone for the advice and second, I agree with everything I have read.

I have to admit that I have held on to this wayyyy too long. I want nothing more to move on with my life and to be happy, but it's my heart that wont let me do that. I know the right thing is to be over him, like he is over me, but in the same breath I tell myself "I can't believe I was that easy for him to forget about." and that's what keeps my mind on HIM instead of ME. He says he wasn't happy with me, but he's happy with this girl he doesn't even know? That should tell me that he's not worth my time, but I am too focused on how easily replaced I was.

I guess I don't want to be forgotten, so I am refusing to forget about him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 3:39pm

I've decided to respond again to your post, and hope my own experience will be of benefit to you. Trust me, there are a lot of people who know how you feel and what you are going through, and I hope you can use that to your advantage.

Years ago, a boyfriend completely dumped me. I am not sure what hurt more - being dumped, or learning a short while later he was with someone new (a casual friend of his who I had met a couple of times). Trust me, he LOVED rubbing his new relationship in my face, sending me little updates about how happy and in love he was after having been with me, the most awful girlfriend in the world. His new girlfriend was wonderful, sweet, kind and caring... she was just perfect! And in addition to email to me, he'd be sure to include me in group emails, sharing vacation highlights and photos (of course, she was in them),etc.

I kept the door to contact open for about a year after we broke up, thinking that one day, he would realize how much of a prick he had been and acknowledge how hurtful he had been in an email or call. I remember being obsessed with when that moment would come, trying to envision what he would say or write, how I would respond, and how magically, I would get closure on the whole matter.

Well, there never was an email or call addressing his behaviour and games, and eventually, I had to accept for myself that 1) he did know how much of a prick he was being, and 2) he knew how hurtful he was being. When he didn't give me the closure I was waiting for, I gave it to myself by changing all of my contact details and blocking his on my new email account and phone number, just in case he tracked them down and decided to get in touch one day. That day was almost as hard as the day he dumped me... it felt like breaking up all over again, knowing this time, I was the one who was letting go.

Now, fast forward a few years. Making the decision to end all contact with him forced me to move on with my own life. And the more I did for myself in the PRESENT TENSE at that time, the less reason or motivation I had to think about the PAST TENSE.

And by the way, though I never had contact with him again, I found out by way of an old friend we both had in common, but who I lost touch with and ran into years later that his "new girlfriend" dumped him... and this is the BEST... ended up moving in with, and eventually marrying, a friend of his! He did get married himself, and his wife left him less than a year later.

And... years after the fact, he was still prone to occasionally asking people if they knew what had become of me, and if anyone had my contact details.

Perhaps a bit long-winded, but to let you know other people really have been in your shoes, and moving on really is possible.

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 4:19pm
I don't know if you are seeing this, but you are clearly far from forgotten. He is making obvious overt efforts to contact you and purposely rubbing your face in his new relationship. It almost seems like he is obsessivly focused on YOU because he is expending effort and energy to make you feel a certain way (awful). He is a jerk for doing this. And trust me, I know how your heart feels, my heart pines for my ex too! But you know what, sometimes our hearts are idiots and we have to beat them into submission and tell them to just shut up. ;) It seems like you already KNOW what you need to do, you know you need to be over him, and you want to be over him. So stick with what you know and don't let your heart's irrational impulses control you. It is okay for you to feel hurt, just don't let that pain control your life too much. I know you can do it, so stop giving yourself excuses not to and just do it! (That advice goes for me too.) Best of luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 6:04pm

"It almost seems like he is obsessivly focused on YOU because he is expending effort and energy to make you feel a certain way (awful)."

I am glad you picked up on that as well, and hope bb_03 realizes what's behind the game as well.

Playing this sort of game, it could be easy to mininterpret it as a silent cry for wanting to get back together with someone. However, given that there has been no direct contact stating just that, and that this guy has moved on to a new relationship, I hope bb_03 sees it for what it is - a game that won't stop until she removes herself from it.

mblade2006

"Just because everything is different 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 10:32pm

I can't remember, are you in counseling at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 8:37am
No, I am not in counseling. I figure I've gotten over break-ups before so I can do this. Even though my other failed relationships never ended this bad, and I cared more for this guy than any of the others. For him to hate me so much but can't tell me why or what I did or didn't do, is like a slap in the face after all of the time and effort I put into making him happy. No explanations, apologies, or anything after being together 4 1/2 years. I have no closure, but I guess that's something I will have to do without.

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