I feel so guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2006
I feel so guilty
1
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 10:53am

My boyfriend broke up with me this weekend. We used to fight a lot but I felt like I fell in love with him just last week. We had a quarrel about him accompanying me to two parties. We made up and then he went with me to the second one. I didn't like the way my hair looked after working so much on it. When we went to the party anyway and were okay. We had a little argument and I was upset because he said that I walk too slow and to walk faster. Then when I he was talking to me, I said what? Because I couldn't hear what he was saying as we were walking and talking and he got annoyed and said forget it you never hear nothing. I felt bad about these things and didn't even want to go the party anymore.

A girl walked in with her boyfriend and he said, see her hair looks sexy. I like the hair like that. I felt kinda bad because he knew I didn't like the way mine looked.

The next day I did my hair over, it was all straight. I sent a pic to his phone and he told me again, that the girl's hair in the party looked sexy. Then he said he also liked another girls beautiful eyes.

I felt so so bad it was enough to make me cry. I was going to my bed and cry and instead said I refuse to cry. I was so hurt. I would try to call him and he kept saying he was busy. I asked him in text messages why he was taunting about these girls.

So instead of crying and feeling bad I told him, the reason why I kept going to the kitchen was because my friend had a cute cousin serving food. This was not true at all. I just wanted him to see how he was making me feel. When I told him that he said that's it, it's over. He said see me next year, I didn't know what he meant by that.

So, for next three days I was feeling horrible. He was refusing my calls, not answering texts and I felt helpless.

I called him from my new job when I told him it was me he yelled I'm busy, very busy and hung up the phone.

On the third day he sent me a text message saying he was going away for a couple of months and didn't want me to bond with him. When previously he had told me it was just for labor day weekend.

I went to his job which I never went to before. He said he owned a small business 2-3 people and all I saw was a kiosk. Those coffe shop carts. I told him I came to give him a gift and just say bye. I wasn't going to question him or nothing, I just wanted to say bye to him.

He was hiding from me so I left and came back. He told me what are you doing here, I don't want you hear, and to leave.

I told him I was just there to give him a gift and say bye. He was playing around with his phone, had a smirk and said okay, 'bye'. I said bye and walked away. No hug, kiss, nothing. I realized he lied to me too about his business. He texted me saying I was messed up for doing that.

I had a letter I wrote before he sent me the text and I sent it to his e-mail. I sent him a text and made it clear to him that I knew it was over but I had a letter I wanted to give him.

He wrote back and said he was sorry but that all he wants is friendship because we fight too much and that he was sorry and have me in heart.....he sent me a text saying maybe we could go out someday. He said he was scared of 'this love' us or love in general, I don't know.

I feel so guilty because I feel it was my fault. People told me I was wrong for saying that to him and I'm beating myself over it.

I'm suffering because I know I can't call him anymore, he won't either and the way he ended it cuts me deep.




Edited 9/1/2007 1:17 pm ET by esorogidni
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2007
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 5:13pm
It looks like he just wanted out. I know that you miss him and will miss talking to him, but it sounds like he did his best to put you down. You are worth more than that. You need to think of each mean thing he said to you and how it made you feel. No one should be treated like that.