I'm single because I'm a mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2001
I'm single because I'm a mom
6
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 12:54pm

As indicated by the title, I am a single mom. I am 26, I have a 5 year old, and I have been trying to get divorced for over 2 years. I was absolutely miserable for YEARS until about 13 months ago when I reconnected with my very first college boyfriend.

In his own words, the moment he saw me again he knew he still had feelings for me. We had told ourselves in the beginning that we were going to try and be friends, but we quickly fell into a relationship. It was wonderful. When I think back on the past year I have nothing but fond memories. We had a couple drunken arguments toward the end, but I think it was because we were both kind of scared about what the future held for us. But despite those few spats, it was probably the best year of my life.

I never got to see him much, as he was living 90 miles away from me, plus I have the whole parenting thing. But we saw each other when we could, usually 3 weekends every month. We talked every day. About a month and a half ago he bought a condo that is only 35 miles away from me, and peculiarly he now has a MUCH farther commute to work (I think over 40 miles). He talked about having me and my daughter stay over, meeting up for dinner in the middle of the week, etc. I thought, "this is great, we can see each other so much more now!"

However when I got back from vacation though, I sensed some "weirdness" from him. I had not seen him in 2 weeks and offered to come over, but he resisted, and said he didn't think it would be a good idea. Called a day later and apologized, said he would leave a key for me if I wanted to come. We eventually decided I should come over, although I could tell we were both a little uncomfortable with it.

Anyway, I was a little cold, I guess just trying to take a step back and see what was bothering him. He came right out and said it; the fact that I have a daughter is a huge sticking point. We talked for hours. I told him I had been hoping we would eventually move in together, and the three of us would have our own life (I am not crazy for thinking this, he had mentioned it before). I guess what it all boiled down to is that he said he could never live with us. He is not ready or willing to change his life to accommodate a child (I guess I should mention that he and my ex husband knew each other in college and he hates my daughter's father).

He said the breakup has nothing to do with US, but he knows that the stress he has been feeling over this has started to affect how he feels about me. He knows I still love him and I am 90% sure he still loves me.

The thing is that he was always great with my daughter. I could tell he was a little uncomfortable with her, but it did not deter him from coming to visit us, talking with her, etc. I give him a lot of credit for all that.

My sister thinks a lot of this has to do with independence. He is 26 and is just now for the first time living on his own. Obviously with a child, marriage and divorce, I am way past all that. I keep telling myself that I can't blame him...he can finally establish his independence and then here comes me and my daughter, ready to invade his life. Not as if we were not part of it, but being so far, he always had his own time.

We said we were going to try to be friends. I really believe it is possible; I had always thought fondly of him during the years that we fell out of touch, not to mention how great this past year has been and there is no animosity between us (at least on my side). I have completely lost my appetite, and gone from not being able to sleep at all to wanting to sleep all day. I have been absolutely dying to contact him the past couple of days, but have restrained. Friends have warned me that if I push, I will lose him. If anything, I just want him to know there are no hard feelings and that I will be here if and when he wants to contact me. I guess I would just be setting myself up to be hurt again...

I guess what I am asking here is if anyone else has been in a similar situation (on any level). Lost someone you love because you are a mother, tried to be friends with an ex, reconnected with someone? Your outlook overall?

Thanks in advance for any advice you can offer, and thanks for reading this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2001
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 1:02pm

Ok, I needed to add here that I NEVER regret having my daughter. I didn't really mention her in my original post, and I wanted to make sure that it is clear that she is and always will be my #1 priority. I had thought about the fact that being a parent might cost me something very special or important one day, but I have been very lucky so far, and I guess I was hoping it would never happen to me.

I love her so much, and was hoping that my boyfriend's love for me would extend to my daughter too. Wishful thinking.

This reminds me of something else; when I told her that He and I would not be seeing each other anymore, she broke into tears. I believe these tears were for her own sadness, not mine, because at that point she had not seen me cry, and I was completely straight faced when I told her. Now she is being strong for me.

When I eventually talk to him (I am hoping) do I ever tell him this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 1:20pm

Welcome to the board krelle81,


It's hard to weigh emotions with the responsibility of a ready-made-family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 3:32pm

I haven't been in that situation, no, but I'm closer to his side of the story than to yours, so to speak in terms of age and experience. I would venture a guess to say your sister is probably dead on. Sometimes even good guys want to sow their wild oats, so to speak, and that's that. Chances are he had an unrealistic idea of how having a child around would affect is lifestyle, and backed off. It's understandable I guess. At my age I don't want to have the responsibilities of a child while I'm still working on me. It doesn't mean everyone at my age is like me though - a lot of my friends cant' wait to start a family. There's definitely like-minded guys out there who would love to help raise you daughter.

You are absolutely correct when you say you're at two different stages of life - which is sometimes the hardest thing to reconcile. Two people who are really compatible but the timing is off. I know my last relationship was like this - I'd been living on my own and working/schooling for the last 3 years (pretty much running my own household) and spent every waking moment building my application to med school. On the other hand, his mum still made dinner, washed his dishes, did his applications, and he went to the arcade every day after school for 4 hours (well, maybe some things are a little extreme =='').

Anyways even if you go on to be friends, it won't hurt to take a break from each other. At the very least, your daughter needs to adapt to a routine without him. Then re-evaluate the potential for friendship

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 8:39am
I am actually in a similiar situation. I was dating my best friend for 2 years until about 4 weeks ago. I'm a single mom of two boys 12 and 7, he's a single dad of a 6 year old. Things between us were great, but my son 7 has ADHD. After two years, we had been talking about living together, and it came down to him not thinking he could handle my son around. And to even further complicate things, his son started saying he didn't like my son coming over because his toys always got broken.
It is a very heartbreaking place to be, as I love him with all of my heart. And I know that he loves me too. But what I've been trying to convince myself over the past weeks is that he just doesn't love me *enough* to get through the hard times.
I was the one trying to come up with solutions, and he ran. I'm doing okay with the no contact thing. Did see him two weeks ago, to officially turn it from "being on a break" to a break-up. And I did text him once to tell him I just bought a house! To which his reply was "let me know if you want me to look at it sometime and I miss you by the way".
Not reading too much into that.
I have some bad days, missing him like crazy. But for now, I am concentrating on my kids best interests, and my new house. It's hard as heck somedays. Logically, if he can't be a good father figure to my kids, then I can't have him in my life. But my heart isn't conviced yet that he isn't the one I will be rocking on the porch with when we're 80.
Probably not much help here, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2001
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 12:33pm

Thanks, it is good to know I am not the only one. I knew I wasn't, but to actually hear from someone who has been there. Few of my friends have kids, and none are divorced, so it is hard for them to relate to my situation.

By the way, he called me yesterday, but did not leave a message. I called back, but he did not answer. Then today I got an email at work. It was VERY chummy, as if we are just friends and nothing ever happened between us. I am not sure what to do. I think he and I need to sit and talk, if anything, for me to get some stuff out so I can have closure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 11:16pm
I'm really sorry about your situation but like its been said, some guys just aren't ready for that. If someone told me they didn't want that responsibility I would turn the opposite direction and start running. You deserve so much more. We talk a lot in my family about how kids are just part of the package. It just makes the experience of finding someone who really cares for you will accept your kids and everything else you bring to the table good and bad.