What's wrong with wanting to get married

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2007
What's wrong with wanting to get married
1
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 5:39pm

My ex broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. We had been going out for 10 months. He told me that while he loves me, will love me forever, and would love to keep seeing me, he doesn't think I'm the one he's supposed to marry. He's 29 and I'm 32. And, he felt that if we continued dating for another 10 months it would just be harder to end things then because we would have been going out for nearly 2 years at that point. In that sense I agree he did the right thing. But it still hurts a great deal b/c I wasn't ready to end our relationship. I didn't think there was anything wrong. I thought he was the one for me. I wanted to spend my life with him.

He said he could tell that I wanted to marry him. For some reason I'm really unable to hide the fact that I want to get married to any guy...of course, only to the right guy. I feel like I just scare them away. I don't even know what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I do want to get married. I don't deny that. I thought he did too.

I'm scared that whenever I'm ready to start dating again the next guy is going to be able to see my flashing marriage light and will run in the opposite direction too after I have given so much of my heart.

Has anyone else had this experience? Any advice? I would love for the next one to be the last one. After 4 serious relationships now under my belt I'm not sure I can take any more breakups. They just hurt too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 7:24pm

There's nothing wrong with getting married. However, there's the obvious question of whether you want to get married for the sake of getting married or if it's because you really like 'that' guy. Because wanting to for the sake of it a. isn't attractive and b. usually ends in grief.

At 32, I think you're at your prime. In fact, according to one of those useful articles our CLs post, your thirties are when you have enough dating experience under your belt to identify what you want in a guy and what you won't compromise, etc. Best age to make a lasting marriage.

I am likeminded. Marriage is incredibly important to me, but I'd rather be single and happy, than married and miserable. However I DO have friends that are INCREDIBLY marriage-minded. Like the one who's moving to Texas to be with her internet boyfriend of 5 months fiance for 6, total face time = 3 weeks. But she wants to get married, and this is the first guy that's ever shown an interest, so she's holding on with everything she's got. I'm not raining on the quick engagement, but I don't think after 10 months I could personally decide to bind myself (and my finances) to somebody for the rest of my life.

Like all advice involving relationships, the best time to do anything is when you're ok with doing it or not. It means taking a break from dating until you turn off that marriage light. Perhaps your idea of marriage is unrealistic - your friends' marriages seem perfect, so you want one too. I can tell you my parents' marriage seemed perfect too, right up until the end - unless you happened to be living with them day in and day out.

and unfortunately I need to cut this short as I have a pressing matter.

cheers
Susanna




Edited 9/2/2007 7:26 pm ET by unicornssong
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your