Can we salvage this relationship?
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Can we salvage this relationship?
| Mon, 09-03-2007 - 10:20am |
My fiance told me a few weeks ago that he felt like his feelings for me were changing. He said he still loves me like he always has, but felt like the physical attraction was disappearing. I told him that maybe it's because we have gotten comfortable with each other(living together) and daily activities take over. We aren't as intimate as we were before. One night, this conversation escalated into him getting angry about an ex of mine. He told me that he's convinced that I never had closure with it and that he's always felt like he was second choice to this guy. Honestly, I never looked back to my ex when I met my fiance. But, this conversation made it clear to me that he doesn't really trust me. I told him that I could not marry someone that didn't trust me so I gave him the ring back. The next day, he was sending emails about all of the things he loved about me, etc...He told me that he said what he did to try to make me angry so he didn't have to talk about how he was feeling. He told me that he had made an appt to see a therapist because he knows what he's doing to me is a pattern - (he did this with his exwife and another girlfriend) --- I was excited that he was willing to try and work on things. But, then things changed - we share a phone service and I saw on the bill that there were tons of calls and texts to the same phone number for 2 weeks straight after I called off the engagement. I confronted him and he admitted that he had met someone at a bar 2 days after I gave him the ring back. He was confiding in her about things - he told me that she didn't mean anything to him, but that she was a way for him to escape reach out for something. I got so upset - He still says he loves me, but I don't know what to believe. I'm still hoping that the therapist will help him see that running to another woman is not the answer. He needs to face that fact that relationships change and that's just reality. If change scares him, he's got a long life ahead of him. So, after a month of this - we've decided that he's moving out of my house this weekend. I still want SO badly for things to work out but I know I can't fix him. I'm staying with friends this week so I don't have to be there watching him pack and move. I'm not contacting him. I think my hope is that the separation / therapy will help him realize what he's given up. He's told me that he's never met anyone like me. He says I'm the most patient and understanding person in the world and I let him be who he wants to be and I don't try to control him. He said he never had any doubt in his mind that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. How does that change so quickly??? Any advice?

Welcome to the board ashlyn07,
People fall in love and stay in love not because of how they feel about the other person, but rather how they feel about themselves while with that person.
Well to make a long story short, we tried & it didn't work. We went to counceling and everything and he got caught again talking to the ex's cousin this time 10 times a day behind my back.
See the thing is if you are with someone that loves you then they should confide in you & they are the person you go to. Not someone you met in a bar or your ex or your ex's cousin for that matter. Especially if you're engaged.
I asked myself this. DO I want to be checking cell phone bills & always thinking he's on his phone behind my back with some other girl? No. I gave him a chance after the first time but he blew it & it wasn't just with the sneaky calls either. It was many other things.
He moved out of my place almost 2 weeks ago & I've been through ups & downs but it's for the best.
I don't know what to tell you but just thought I'd share my story. Sorry this is happeneing to you. I know exactly how you feel.
Thanks for the advice - I would LOVE to eventually go with him to his therapist, but he wants to go on his own first. I know that a lot of his issues come from his past insecurities, trust issues and his family, so I think there are some things he wants to tackle on his own first. He sent me an email yesterday (copied from his email) - "You have handled things so much better than I could ever dream of doing myself…Watching how I have hurt you has been the most painful thing I have ever done…I can't imagine living with out you, but for some reason I can't seem to move forward…I hope that I can work this out and at least understand why I'm at this point…I can think of a thousand reasons why I know what I'm doing is stupid…I trust with my heart and that you would never betray…I know you will love me no matter what..and yet I for some reason hesitate and hold back…I try to reach inside myself and can't seem to find the answer…I think it is a pattern and I think the therapist can fix it…I want nothing more than for you to be happy..you deserve that…you're a giving, kind and the most loving person I could have ever have met..and I'm thankful I met you…for once in my life maybe I can love myself…then I can give myself to you like you deserve"
Of course, I read this and got so sad. It makes me think he's really willing to try to make things better. He told me that he didn't want me to cancel any of the wedding plans since the wedding isn't for another 8 months. He thinks that would be us giving up on things. I told him i wouldn't cancel anything for now. But, I know this is not going to be a quick fix. I don't know if he's going to be ready emotionally to get married in 8 months....especially since we're in the process of moving into different houses.