how do you become friends??
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| Mon, 09-03-2007 - 8:24pm |
I'm here to get some advice.. My boyfriend and I are trying to be just friends. We can't seem to get through our issues and always go back to the same spot in our relationship, meaning don't go forward. We seem to want different things for our future. He never wants to get married again. Which, I told him I would be ok with that just as long as we are together, but he also wants another child. I told him I don't believe in having kids without marriage. I wasn't brought up that way.
When I ask him where does he see us going in the future, he always says "I don't know", well it's hard to work on something when that's his answer. He told me I was right, so we should work on being friends.. He's not ready for anything serious. Which I respect, but would like him to say that he's looking forward to a future with me someday, but all I get is "I don't know". I don't want to be pushy, needy or a pest. I just have a hard time living in the moment. I like to think about my future. Which I always bring up the subject.
It is very hard to let go of each other. We're both having a hard time. Last night he came over and watched a movie and slept over. Tonight, he came over and had dinner and we were snuggling on the couch.. I am not strong enough to say to him not to come over, because I want him to. We have been going back and forth for a while now and I don't like it. We don't want to let each other go. We both agree we find comfort in each other. I just don't understand why we can't seem to find our way through this relationship and find balance, happiness.
I just don't know how to be friends after 3 years. He's told me before that he wouldn't want time to pass without seeing each other. Not to mention, we work together on the weekends. It's hard, it hurts, I'm dissapointed, I'm lonely, I want him here to hold me.
Thanks for listening..

last night he sent me a text saying..."I don't want either of us to hurt and I'm glad that we're here for each other. It's hard"....
It's comforting to know that we want to be there for each other, but how do you do that? I just told him that I need to distant myself and that meant the works.
I don't want to do that. I'm crying. I want to hold him. I want him to hold me. I'm hurting. I wanted this relationship to work. To be in his arms for life as his companion, not necessarily his wife.
He wants a companion, as do I. I've been thinking about marriage. I think it's overrated and I don't want to see myself married again. It's just a piece of paper. It's trust and respect is what matters. It's hard to imagine life without him.
Do you really know what you want? In your original post, You stated that you wanted to be married before you have a child for him. Now you're saying that, you want to be his companion, not necessarily his wife? I'm confused. You have to know what you want to get out of a relationship and stick to your beliefs. Otherwise it will be a confusing mess. If everyone thought That marriage was just a piece of paper, no one would've bothered to go through with it. I know deep down inside, you don't believe that.....If you did, you would not be on this board asking for advice. You would just have a child out of wedlock because that is what he wants. According to what you say: it seems to me like you're want this man so much, that you are willing to compromise your belief and values. I hope he's worth it in the long run.
Food for thought>>>Remember that having a child for man, means just that. It's not a guarantee you'll have him in your arms forever.
you know, perhaps marriage IS overrated. But it means something to you, obviously, regardless of how meaningless he makes it out to be.
If he's the kind of guy you want to build a life with, he needs to learn to compromise, not just have you yield to whatever he thinks. Compromise, like, if he gets to have a child, you get to be married, or vice versa.
Go back, read your first post. It's probably the one that best describes how you REALLY feel before the pain and the hurt clouded your judgment. Don't do anything concerning him, relax, go out and jog for a bit, and you'll come back more clear headed
Susanna
we do have some trust, and communication issues that could be worked out by knowing what's going on with the future. I just started to think about not getting married again, and just being companions. I"ve always thought that everyone had to get married in life. I was brought up that way and my parents are still married after 36 years. I'm starting to change my views on things I guess. All I know is, I don't want to let him go.. His priorities right now is going to be getting joint custody of his daughter, which is great. He just never mentions anything that involves me, so of coarse I'm going to have some insecurities for our future. He always says his plans involve moving to California-across country-in distant future. He just told me last week, that he knows I didn't want to move cause my family is hear, but I only didn't want to take my daughter away from her father. So then, he said I could go with him when she gets older. But I'm confused. I would like our relationship to be healthy, I don't know what's going on. I told him this morning that I needed to distant myself. Then I told him that I can't stop thinking about being in his arms for life as just his companion.
Yea, it's a lot of back n forth. It's hard, it hurts, I want us both not to hurt and be happy..